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My mum wants to take dd1 out for the night with us but not dd2?

(18 Posts)
D0oinMeCleanin Sun 21-Apr-13 12:39:20

For my birthday.

Her reasoning is 1) We can never get anyone to sit for both of them together because of their exuberant behavior when they are together.

2) taking dd2 would mean no-one would have a peaceful meal. Sitting still is not something she does well, even at home she is practically tied to the table at meal times, without the added distraction of being in a new, exciting place

3) dd1, when apart from dd2, is very grown up and will sit nicely and join in with adult conversation

4) not taking either of them means either DH or my sister would have to stay home with both of them, because they are the only people who can manage both children together

5) We are having a child-friendly tea party (that really is for the children, not me) before we go, so it's not like dd2 won't be doing anything nice. She will then go to MILs for a sleepover, where she will be spoilt with takeouts and dvds.

My mum says she would leave early with dd1 because she has to be at work the next day anyway, leaving me to carry on my night with the rest of my family. Dd1 would sleep at her house, because she is very self sufficient and requires little looking after when she does not have dd2 as her partner in crime, so my disabled father would manage easily with her until we collected her.

Is it fair to take dd1 and not dd2? I'm not sure.

featherbag Sun 21-Apr-13 12:43:51

I can't see the problem tbh, if dd2 would spoil the meal for everyone else, particularly if she's going to have a pleasant evening getting spoilt by mil! The fact that your DM will also have other dd overnight giving you and DH a completely child-free night would be the icing on the cake for me, especially as it sounds like this is a rare occurrence for you due to both dds together being too much of a handful for most sitters!

NatashaBee Sun 21-Apr-13 12:44:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Sun 21-Apr-13 12:49:28

i would do it. being a bit cruel i could add that DD2 may see that if she was to behave better she would get the same opportunities in future. they sound a handful so enjoy it. Happy Birthday thanks

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 21-Apr-13 12:50:19

She is almost 7, so is old enough to realise, but we were going to tell her that dd1 is just being babysat elsewhere, which is usual, because as I said, finding someone to look after both of them is hard, normally one is looked after by my Gran, but she is coming out with us and the other is looked after by MIL.

She is old enough to behave herself at meals out, really. But try as we might, we cannot get her to be calm for long enough. We've done all the discipline, leaving places mid meal, taking away toys, setting rules before we leave etc. We didn't go on Holiday last year because her behavior the previous year almost ruined the whole holiday. She has been assessed for SEN and behavior difficulties and they say she is borderline, she doesn't need extra support yet, but might do in the future if she does not grow out of it.

When away from dd1, she is relatively well behaved, until you take her out somewhere that requires her to be still and relatively quiet. Then it all goes pear shaped.

Iamsparklyknickers Sun 21-Apr-13 12:54:36

It does look slightly unfair on the face of it, but taking all your mothers reasoning into account it's really not.

I remember not being able to do certain things that my older brother was allowed to do on the basis that I wasn't old enough yet, and this is the same thing.

It's not unreasonable to choose to do something that your youngest can't join in on if she has a good alternative. It really is about age if she's too young to control her behaviour in certain situations. No reason for the rest of the family to miss out while they wait for her to get older, and it's not like it's happening on a daily basis.

ChasedByBees Sun 21-Apr-13 12:58:19

I'm not sure but please don't tell her that DD1 is being babysat elsewhere. The truth will come out and that will be massively hurtful. Far better to tell her the truth surely? She can't behave well so she can't come. Won't that help her learn to behave better?

Startail Sun 21-Apr-13 13:03:25

YANBU
My DDs are 12 and 15 and DH, me and DD1 have gone out for a meal when DD2 is at sleepovers.

DD2 is a right fusspot over food and doesn't eat very big portions. Therefore she both limits where we can go and gets fed up waiting for us to finish.

At 7 she'd have loved to get out of sitting down quietly at agrown up meal.

WhereYouLeftIt Sun 21-Apr-13 13:05:19

I personally find it acceptable that older children are allowed to do things that their younger sibling are not.

You ask "Is it fair to take dd1 and not dd2?" Maybe a better question to ask yourself would be 'Is it fair that DD1 misses out?'

5Foot5 Sun 21-Apr-13 13:10:16

She is old enough to behave herself at meals out, really. But try as we might, we cannot get her to be calm for long enough. We've done all the discipline, leaving places mid meal, taking away toys, setting rules before we leave etc. We didn't go on Holiday last year because her behavior the previous year almost ruined the whole holiday.

So maybe when she finds herself being excluded from things because of her behaviour then that might start to get the message across? Perhaps that sounds cruel but if you find her difficult to manage then other people probably do so it would only be a matter of time before she is being excluded from party invitations, sleepovers etc unless he can calm down and behave appropriately.

Startail Sun 21-Apr-13 13:10:59

At 7 I wouldn't bring behaviour into it. I'd just say she's sure to have more fun being baby sat than made to sit at the table.

DD2 isn't 'naughty' she doesn't consciously choose to find food boring. As she gets older she even begins to see why we find her such a pain.

All DCs are not alike and it's no crime sometimes to separate siblings and do things apart.

5Foot5 Sun 21-Apr-13 13:11:12

^^
She can calm down - rubbish typing

Startail Sun 21-Apr-13 13:19:32

As for holidays, We tend to Mallorcan hotels with buffets in the evening and pizza or a balcony picnic for lunch for lunch.

Sit down very slow Portuguese restaurants plus DD2 were awful. She wasn't naughty she just fell asleep without eating.

Picturesinthefirelight Sun 21-Apr-13 13:24:31

How old is dd1. Not unreasonable for her to have aire grown up birthday treat.

When dd was 8 and ds was 6 we took dd to London for two days to see Wicked. Ds was left at home as we knew he wouldn't fit through the show.

A couple of years later he started coming too.

exoticfruits Sun 21-Apr-13 13:30:46

Sounds a sensible arrangement to me.

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 21-Apr-13 13:34:46

Dd1 is almost 10 and much more sensible than dd2. She has her moments, of course, but knows when she has gone too far and reigns it in.

We normally go to Turkey for holidays, which suits dd2, because they are so child friendly, there was almost always a bar manager/waiter willing to entertain dd2 while the rest of use ate, if she kicked up a fuss and they were more than happy to cater for her love of beans and sausages and not much else. Plus there are loads of 'fun pubs' you can eat in that have a play corner/outdoor play equipment for her to burn her energy off on while DH and I have a drink. The last time we went away we went to Tenerife, which was lovely but not nearly as dd2 friendly as Turkey is.

Picturesinthefirelight Sun 21-Apr-13 14:04:58

Oh absolutely then. Dd is now 11 and for her 10th birthday asked to take a friend out for a grown up meal/theatre trip rather than a party. At that age they are starting to want to do more griwn up things. Not at all unreasonable to leave a much younger child with a sitter.

Picturesinthefirelight Sun 21-Apr-13 14:06:22

Thanks for mentioning Turkey by the way. We loved Tenerife and never considered Turkey but wonder how they would be with plain pasta and Philadelphia sandwiches ds.

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