to be annoyed that my friends havent helped?(172 Posts)
I have just moved house. My friends are well aware I've been stressed with it. It has needed a complete refurb which wasn't expected. I haven't had a moment to think for about a month. Have any of my friends helped? Nope of course not. Even when specifically asked if they can come. Aibu to be annoyed or aibu to think they would help? They did offer but then they kept making excuses. I would help anyone out but I feel let down that I'm barely a second thought for them.
yanbu people always make off the cuff promises that they will help , if you need anything just ask , that kind of rubbish , until you do ask then come the excuses oh im working , cant get child care , forgot i was busy that day sorry , ive learnt not to ask anyone for anything then you wont get false promises and feel hurt , no help to you im afraid but least you know someone who has been in the same boat .
YABU. Moving is awful and it's lovely when friends offer to help... But that's as far as it goes - there is no obligation at all.
From their perspective, they are busy too and you are actually pretty lucky as you have just got a new place, which is a Good Thing (even if it's hard to remember right now!)
YANBU. That's the sort of thing friends do for each other, even if it means putting themselves out considerably. What goes around, comes around.
I've moved house twice over the past 6 months. The last month before the earlier move was very stressful and one thing that rather depressed me was that I realised my friends and relatives were more likely to ask me to do something for them than to offer me support. People put me under pressure for a last meet up before I moved away or would come round and think I had time to go out for the day and didn't seem to understand what a massive task I had to do. I didn't actually expect any help but I would have liked people to have just understood that it was a busy and stressful time and to have been emotionally supportive.
At the same time, I would really struggle at the thought of going to someone else's home to pack or clean. Sadly, I think as your friends haven't helped and have made excuses, I'd do the same if they ask for help in the future.
I have exactly 3 people in this world who would help me out - one is my mother and the other two are friends. In the end you make your bed and lie in it. I offer to help others and sometimes do, sometimes it doesn't work out but although it would be nice for someone to help, more often than not they wouldn't know what to do.
The friends I have that help, just do something for me - it may not be what I expect but it's something. They just get on with it and it's usually something that is no trouble to them, like taking the dcs for a day, or picking something up for me. But if I wanted help with a project that I decided I wanted to do, that was getting me down, they might not help me.
OP I think you are probably exhausted and feeling sad and if you need help talk to your friends and see if they come up with any ideas. They may want to help but don't know how to.
I think it depends entirely on people's own circumstances.
I have always helped my friends as much as I can, but a the moment I could offer very little in terms of practical help. I'm a working single parent with 2 young children, so if I were to go and help with some DIY I would need someone to look after my children. And I really prefer not to delegate childcare when I'm not actually working, I like to spend time with my kids. I would, however, gladly offer to look after someone's children while they did their own DIY.
When we were all young and childless, moving house was always a team effort, and I have decorated many friends houses with them over the years. But it gets much harder when everyone has kids and life is a precarious juggling act.
I hope you start to feel better soon.
Neo it is a bit much to say that the attitude is sickening.
For a start the OP has drip-fed.
I help my friends out in all kinds of ways. I help with emergency childcare, I take meals round when they have had babies, take their kids places and so on.
Help with moving just isn't something normal within my family or circle of friends. No-one has ever asked me to help, I haven't asked them - or not beyond student/20's flat share situations when everyone used to muck in and get drunk
If you can't do something alone, without relying on others help/goodwill then really you shouldn't do it. My DH does this and it really pisses me off.
Sorry you are feeling so low with it all, I've had a terrible time with house moves in the past year so do understand. Sometimes you just need to go through the pain, soldier on and then feel brave and strong at the end when you realise YOU did it.
chin up my lovely. I've been in your shoes, you just think about all of your friends and think to yourself 'I cannot believe no one helped me!', it's shit. off load on here. perhaps start a new thread somewhere a bit less harsh ie relationships. lots of people could give you some virtual hand holding. I feel for you, I really do.
i would have helped if you were a good friend. no question. I have helped my friends in this way in the past. i'd like to think that if i asked a friend to help with something specific then they would.
but try not to hold it against them. maybe you're investing more in your friendships than they are. take a little step back and give it some thought.
works both ways too.
i have a friend who asked for help, i happily jumped in but sadly no reciprocation. sometimes these situations arise and you find out who the users are. then you can be a little more reticent in future and maybe invest your efforts with others instead.
On mn it is often expected that everyone should just pay for professional assistance if help is ever required
In my rl, people help one another all the time. Friends/family/neighbours- no relationship is too tenuous to offer/receive help I have given and received so much 'help' in so many situations it would be impossible to list.
OP - you need new friends
This is not something you ask friends to help with.
You just need to take more time to sort things out
I was once asked to a "painting party" she would supply booze and we'd all help her paint her house - I said sorry no I can't stand decorating my own house why would I do someone else's
Over the years I've realised what a grabby person she is and backed away hugely
Friends are for emotional support and laughs not for hard labour
If they offer, because they don't mind, then fair enough but don't get the hump when they don't want to. They don't need an excuse either
Thank you for those who have been understanding. I am still feeling overwhelmed this morning but it's a new day and I'll plod on. For those who haven't understood perhaps they haven't ever arrived in a house to find it actually needs a complete renovation (unexpectedly). Perhaps they haven't had to move, do a renovation and cope with a full time job all at the same time (can't get annual leave in April). Perhaps they have had a partner to help them which I haven't. Perhaps they are physically stronger than me (I am 4 foot 8 and physically pretty weak). Maybe they have had the money to pay for removals, decorators etc which I don't. Or perhaps they just will never understand.
Maddening....as a good friend, I see when people are not able to offer help to me...and I continue offering mine as and when I can....and they do the same.
People need to give more generally. WHen life is pootling along comfortably....it's too easy to just get on with things and not think about how others are doing.
I would not give a shit if one of my friends couldn't do things for me...if they were unhappy or stressed I would be there and know that if the tables were turned they'd be right there for me.
How did you not know that it needed a complete renovation beforehand?
BTW, I would hate the idea of helping anyone with their house - can't find the time to do my own!
Can you explain why you have moved into a home you'd not seen before hand? Maybe I'm missing something, but if it "needed a complete rennovation" then wouldn't you have known that before you decided to move there? Doesn't that then feed into your decision making about if it's the right place for you ?
Exactly neo - but the op has not explained the reasons her friends have felt unable to help - you are assuming that they could help - that may not be the case. Of course if I can offer help I do.
Additionally to expect help is wrong imo -you can ask for it but to feel that rejection of that request is an " excuse " ie suggesting it is invalid and a sign that they are not a good friend is silly.
In life you will come across takers and selfish idiots who take help and don't offer it but it is not possible to judge the op's friends with the info given.
YANBU. Your friends are selfish. I've helped many friends move, do DIY etc. and I've been helped tons too. That's what friends are. People "too busy" with their own self-important lives aren't great friends. Having a friend is about jumping to help when help is needed (and you sound like you need help!), not about finding an excuse why you can't. If you were my friend, I'd help. In fact, if you live in north/east London, pm me and I'll bloody come help.
Wow - I'd never assume friends should help with a house refurb, unless you were moving in difficult circumstances. I'd usually drop over a meal when you moved, which is my stock response to all big life events, but I can barely keep on top of my own family's needs and stay sane. Maybe if my children were older. But I wouldn't see it as a common thing to do.
Just take it slowly... One room at a time. It won't happen overnight. I would never expect friends to help with a 'complete renovation', of course for little things it's fine, but would never ask a friend to something for me that I wouldn't do for them. But I really wouldn't expect my friends to help in their own free time (which is very precious nowadays) for any major work.
Take it one step at a time, expect it to happen slowly, you can do it. I'm not sure what being 4'8" has to do with anything, I'm 5' and yes I would struggle to lift any thing huge on my own but I'm sure I could ultimately find a way, asking a friends husband for help lifting something is very different to asking for generic 'complete renovation' help. And height wise, there's always ladders!
OP - if you drip feed then of course people don't understand.
I'm not really understanding how you can not have seen where you live before you move there, but there we are.
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