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to be annoyed that my friends havent helped?

(172 Posts)
toomuchtoask Sat 20-Apr-13 20:37:32

I have just moved house. My friends are well aware I've been stressed with it. It has needed a complete refurb which wasn't expected. I haven't had a moment to think for about a month. Have any of my friends helped? Nope of course not. Even when specifically asked if they can come. Aibu to be annoyed or aibu to think they would help? They did offer but then they kept making excuses. I would help anyone out but I feel let down that I'm barely a second thought for them.

MrsMelons Sat 20-Apr-13 21:13:13

In that case maybe you need to speak to your friends and tell them how you are feeling, ask them to come round, get in some wine and food and see if they can help do stuff with you.

Alternatively, just do a room at a time and you will get there. I am fairly sure if you tell them how bad you are feeling at least one person will help.

YoniLovesChachi Sat 20-Apr-13 21:13:22

You'll get there. It will take ages, but you'll get there eventually and look back with fondness at that awful first few months. I've been there in a house that kept throwing nothing but graft and expensive bills at us, but we can now laugh about how damn depressing it was.

Chin up, Mrs smile

Jalopeno Sat 20-Apr-13 21:13:29

It wouldn't occur to me to ask friends to help clean my house. Do you have a disability op? If so yanbu. If not then your new house is your responsibility and no one elses.

Having said that I know how it feels when there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Do you know any teens that you could borrow to help with a bribe of McDonalds/pizza?

MadBusLady Sat 20-Apr-13 21:14:57

x-posts. What is it that needs doing? Could you spend tomorrow making a list and maybe try and ask for help with specific, time-limited tasks? I'd be much more inclined to respond to "Can you do one hour's cleaning in the kitchen?" or "Can you help me unpack two boxes?" accompanied by a wine perhaps?

Tortoise Sat 20-Apr-13 21:15:01

What would annoy me is that they offered to help then made excuses not to. So I don't think yabu to be annoyed.

toomuchtoask Sat 20-Apr-13 21:15:57

Thanks guys. I can't really see straight now. I will reply properly in the morning.

MadBusLady Sat 20-Apr-13 21:17:03

smile Hope you get a good night's sleep.

MissLurkalot Sat 20-Apr-13 21:18:45

Sorry OP, I wouldn't expect friends to help and I wouldn't feel comfortable asking either. But, that's me.

If I was taking on a project, it would be my responsibility. And I would attack it. I would certainly get in touch with friends and either get them over for dinner or take away or to meet them out somewhere for moral support and to let my hair down with them. But, I wouldn't expect them to do any hard graft for me on my place. Family maybe, but not friends. Sorry. YABU.

marjproops Sat 20-Apr-13 21:22:21

yanbu. Ive had to move so many times my friends are prob fed up about it but they know our situation, and i go out of my way for them. and even just one hour of their times not going to kill them..

i dont ask, i wait till they offer, but then dont offer and then make exucuses, especially if youve given them moving date in advance.

ive got one 'friend' who always offers, but 3 move times now something mysteriously breaks in her house JUST on that day.

and they also know DC and I have physical disabilites, cant afford a removal man with a van etc. just one hour, eh?

MissLurkalot Sat 20-Apr-13 21:23:07

OP. Come on here tomorrow, let us help you sort stuff out. I know we can't physically help, but let us help you plan your 'attack'.

Rome wasnt built in a day...

I'll check on here tomorrow. x

Viviennemary Sat 20-Apr-13 21:24:08

It is nice if friends are able to help. But most people appreciate that a lot of folk lead very busy lives and haven't always got the time or energy to help. I don't think you can honestly expect friends to pitch in if your whole house needs a complete renovation and you can't afford to pay workmen.

DontSHOUTTTTTT Sat 20-Apr-13 21:24:39

I am sorry you are stressed out and knackered. Moving is hard work at the best of times. I wouldn't ask or expect friends to help me though

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Sat 20-Apr-13 21:26:02

The attitudes on this thread are sickening but NOT surprising. The current thread about having no friends is relevant here....if I go by most of the responses here, then people are just too selfish to have friends....all this "it's your responsibility" is awful.

Friend's HELP one another! DH's friend is always offering help and so is DH. I help my friends...they help me!

CloudsAndTrees Sat 20-Apr-13 21:34:21

Your friends probably had genuine reasons for not being available when you asked then to come and help. Even if they just didn't want to, that's ok and it doesn't mean they aren't your friends.

I understand the stress of doing up a whole house on your own, I had to do mine when I was a single Mum to a 5 and 7 year old. It was dirty, stank of old cat piss, and it pretty much had to be gutted and started from scratch with us living in it. It took forever and it felt like we were living in one of those rental storage boxes for ages! It didn't occur to me to ask friends to help me clean and move suff though. I'd be embarrassed to have my friends clean for me.

You need to take it slowly. You will get the place straight, you just have to accept that it will take a while, and that's ok. You don't have to have everything sorted within a couple of weeks.

emsyj Sat 20-Apr-13 21:36:43

I have previously offered to have people's DCs so that they can move without the extra stress of kids - and I would drive a van (I have done that too, actually - but years ago) or anything else BUT I wouldn't clean!!! Unless you had some sort of physical problem that meant you couldn't do it, and the house was a proper shithole. Then I would. But there would have to be a compelling reason why you needed help with it.

But still happy to babysit, drive your van, take you out to dinner to save you cooking, bring some wine round....! grin Just not cleaning/painting/DIY.

Awomansworth Sat 20-Apr-13 21:37:49

YANBU - If you were my friend OP, I wouldn't need asking... in fact I've just sat down after being on my feet all day helping a friend decorate the bedrooms in her new place (she's just been through a messy break up) whilst another friend had her children round to hers, and DH took our children out for the day.

I hope you get sorted op and please find yourself some new friends, yours sound like fair weather ones to me.

KitchenandJumble Sat 20-Apr-13 21:45:59

I'm sorry you are feeling so stressed. Moving is horrible. I've had to move a lot over the years and I loathe it with a passion. I think it ranks quite highly as among the most stressful situations one can encounter.

But I don't think friends should be expected to help. If they offer (and genuinely mean it, rather than just offering to appear polite), wonderful. I've never offered to help a friend with DIY or cleaning house. Babysitting or bringing a meal over or taking you out to dinner would be the sort of thing I would do.

I do hope things improve for you. When you're right in the middle of something like a complicated house move, it can seem so overwhelming. I'd love to help with list making and prioritising tasks, if that would be of any assistance.

wine and flowers for you.

BottleRed76 Sat 20-Apr-13 21:47:21

Sorry to hear you're feeling knackered and alone.
It's exhausting stuff and yes, a hell of a lot to do all on your own!!! So be a bit kinder to yourself.

Don't be too hard on your mates. Might just be really shit timing for them and they might not know exactly how bad you're feeling.
Can you get over to see them for a coffee break and have a chat. Even just getting it off your chest how alone you feel might help you feel better and might hit a nerve with them.

I don't know much about your situation so please excuse me sticking my nose in -
Talking practical stuff - have you got a plan set out of everything you need to do and a timeline of how one task leads into the next task etc - like a project schedule? If you're feeling overwhelmed it will really help you get your thoughts in order
Is there anything that could be prioritised that would give you a bit of mental space and help you cope with the rest of the work? - i.e. if you had a particular room such as bedroom or sitting room sorted out then you would have a little haven and make it a little bit easier to cope?
Could a friend take kid/kids off your hands for a bit to give you time to get to grips with your most urgent stuff?

I think someone else said about being more specific about what help you want? I think that's a really good point. Could you do a group email/facebook update saying what you need help with, when and for how long. You could bribe with cake and tea. You could offer a skill swap (for when you have time obviously).

Put your feet up and chill out with a bottle glass of vodka wine and have bit of a brain dump session to put together a plan to save your sanity.
You'll get there. x

DoJo Sat 20-Apr-13 21:47:35

Everyone has different stuff going on in their lives, and moving is one of those things which rarely has a fixed date until the last minute, so it's perfectly possible that they all have other plans. I offered to help friends move but then it turned out that I wasn't free the weekend they did it, so it wasn't possible - not my fault, not theirs, but I would be saddened to think that they thought any less of me for it. I can see how feeling alone and stressed might make you feel unloved by your friends too, but it sounds like you could really do with someone to come round and have a good old chat with to make you forget about the house stuff for a while. Perhaps organise that and maybe your perspective will shift a bit too.

Kahlua4me Sat 20-Apr-13 21:50:30

Yanbu, surely that is what friendship is all about. Helping each other and making life just a little bit easier.

My friend has just moved and I have been over there several times to help, whilst being very jealous of the hugeness of their new house!!

Perhaps you need to start building new friendships with people you can depend on and also support too. Have you tried telling them how you feel and how much you need some help from them?
Sometimes others don't know and assume you are coping.

maddening Sat 20-Apr-13 21:55:34

Neo - as I said right now in my life I could not assist my friends with such a task- was rushing to get things sorted for my op - now recovering from my op and in 2-3 weeks will be starting a full time job and ds starting in nursery too - my life currently= hectic I don't think that it is sickening that in my current circumstance I could not offer help to friends - I am also not asking for help. I do have friends.

In the past I have helped friends. In the past I have done all my house moves - once with help carrying stuff downstairs to a van I had hired and drove. And once with help from my parents. All others were just me /me and my fiance. I reallY would only ask for help if I was desperate and wouldn't expect it.

Without knowing what is going on in the lives of the op's friends it is hard to judge.

Op fwiw I think it is more the fact that it is a big daunting task - if you don't have anyone you can ask then you need to break it down and prioritise as well as deciding what you can't do for yourself and if anything can be outsourced (finances allowing).

Unami Sat 20-Apr-13 22:03:15

YANBU - I totally understand your frustration. Over the years my DP and I have given lots of help to friends who are moving house, specifically turning up with a car to help do trips (sometimes multiple trips) with boxes. We feel that it's really important that friends and family pitch in to help with with stuff, as its swings and roundabouts, you scratch my back stuff. It's nice to get help, and if you give help you'll get it in return.

Or so we thought. We moved house a year ago and got no help beyond family. We were pretty pissed off. And now we don't bother to help people moving house anymore - though people are not shy about asking. I still feel guilty for not helping them.

I must admit that I would not expect friends to help me with cleaning or renovating, unless I was incapacitated in some way, or if they had specialist equipment that I could borrow or that they could help me to operate.

But on the move day itself, I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for help. It's a big job and much easier if people pitch in. I'm still really pissed off that no one helped me on my moving day when I'd given up multiple afternoons to help others.

nicelyneurotic Sat 20-Apr-13 23:07:36

YABU. To be honest, you sound very demanding. I doubt your friends have time, especially if they have jobs, children, other commitments. Like other posters have said, if I had the time I'd fix my own house first. Hire a decorator and cleaner and let them sort it out. It will be worth the money.

MidniteScribbler Sat 20-Apr-13 23:35:32

I've moved 32 times in my life and don't recall anyone other than the hired removalists helping. It simply wouldn't occur to me to expect my friends to spend their time moving my furniture around. Likewise, I'm doing (yet another) reno, and don't expect them to do any of the work. The only thing I've done is paid a friends teenage boys to do some gardening work for me. They wanted to earn some extra money for their holiday.

I got asked by one (ex) friend to help her move. I got there in the morning and she'd packed nothing, and I ended up doing most of the packing and carrying down three flights of stairs while she kept sitting down and watching the football. I did fourteen trips in my car and not a penny of petrol moneyoffered, not even a cold drink or anything for lunch. It really was the beginning of the end of that friendship.

KeatsiePie Sat 20-Apr-13 23:57:46

Moving is horrible. Horrible. But I have to say I wouldn't ask for or expect help, beyond asking friends to help to load/unload boxes if it were a DIY move, and even that is a big ask once everyone is no longer in their twenties.

But yes, please come back and let people help you sort it all out. I think the worst of it is not the work (though the work of getting settled is pretty miserable), it's feeling so alone with it. Hope you have a good night's rest.

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