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or is DP re: him not wanting me to be amicable with DDs dad?

(135 Posts)
Amykins35 Fri 19-Apr-13 23:38:27

DP and I have been together for 3.5 years, exH and I separated a few months prior to that when DD was 2. It was awful at first as DD and I had to move out to a hostel, exH was a nightmare etc but for the past couple of years we've been getting on much better and are positively friendly. He has a serious girlfriend and is happy and I'm happy for him, we were only together a short time and mainly for DD - there are no lingering feelings or anything like that. When he collects/returns DD from contact he comes in for usually 20 mins to chat, mainly about what DDs been up to at each house/school as she otherwise she just says she's forgotten. DD is very happy that we get on and likes to show her dad her reading book, school books, pets, bedroom etc. Considering once upon a time he had to drag her off me kicking and screaming every time it's a vast improvement. DP and I don't live together yet but are planning to in the near future. He despises exH despite DP knowing we were never in love, DP being younger, much more attractive etc - no reason to be jealous. He said tonight that when we live together he wants exH to stop coming in altogether. Usually if DP is here exH, DD and I (exH tries to include DP but he usually shuts himself away) still chat but not for as long. I think it's best for DD if she sees exH and I getting on and that it'd be confusing for her if it suddenly stopped, plus I resent him dictating who I can and can't let in the house. I also suspect he is jealous in a way as he and his exW do not communicate at all. AIBU to still let ex in when DP and I live together?

greenteawithlemon Sat 20-Apr-13 10:27:29


That sounds lovely, Hassled . What an achievement for you all.

Xales Sat 20-Apr-13 10:28:02

He doesn't even live with you and your DD has to listen to snide sarky comments about her dad. Even if you agree to him not coming in how many years will your DD have to listen to these digs until she is old enough to leave home?

He is not divorced. He and his ex don't communicate. Why is this?

Put your DD first and do not move in with this man. She doesn't have a choice.

Squitten Sat 20-Apr-13 10:52:09

Stop making excuses for your DP and put a stop to it. He should be saying NOTHING even remotely negative about your ex in front of his daughter - if he wants to bitch about him, he can say all that privately to you. What on earth will it be like when she has to live with him?!

Moving in with him would be a big mistake until he has shown that he is capable of behaving like a proper step-father should - which he is NOT currently. Your ex will be in your life for a VERY long time to come and your DP seems intent on ruining both your relationship with him and, by effect, your daughter's. Very foolish to allow that OP!

pictish Sat 20-Apr-13 10:52:59

Well said Squitten - bloody well said.

AnyFucker Sat 20-Apr-13 10:57:18

Oh dear, Amy, I fear you have picked another nobber, sorry

OhMerGerd Sat 20-Apr-13 10:59:11

Put your child first and nip this in the bud with DP now.
My brother is an xP. His ex has a man who started out exactly the same. Soon you'll find stopping xH coming in for a chat won't satisfy him. He'll move onto not wanting xH to come to the door, not wanting to hear DD saying ' my daddy and I did x y z' and not wanting any little dolly or a books DD won at a party, or even Easter eggs she might want to bring home.... You won't be getting on quite so well with xH by this time as it will cause untold stress and upset , so your new bloke will suggest moving away. Then you'll all end up going to court and if like my brother they realise your new partner is being obstructive to a father daughter relationship they will tighten his access rights and make you bear all the cost of transporting DD back and forth.
Meanwhile relationships sour even more and your DD will be stressed start misbehaving at school and feel generally unhappy, insecure ands torn.
This is the life my poor very very darling niece has lived for the past four years since her mother caved in to her new DP's request to stop the drop off chat/ coffee etc.
Any man who tries to make it hard for a father to see his child ( unless father is violent/abusive/) is not going to make good father material in the future for any new DC. P
IMO sounds like you're taking on an immature dP . He needs to grow up, see how hard you've worked to make the best if a difficult situation for your child and support you.

Hassled Sat 20-Apr-13 11:51:45

greentea - thank you smile

MagicHouse Sat 20-Apr-13 22:18:04

She spoke about planning to play with a particular toy when she went there and DP commented 'thats if he hasn't sold it!
That is a really nasty little comment to a little girl looking forward to something at her dad's. That must have been a real blow for her to hear that. I don't think your DP sounds very nice.

ivykaty44 Sat 20-Apr-13 22:24:56

I wouldn't be moving this man into my daughters life - a person that makes negative remarks about someone else father, who is going to dictate who can and can't come into a joint home is not someone I would be living with.

In fact why do you want to put your dd through this? He isn't going to stop with the remarks and he is going to try to drive a wedge between father and daughter. Can you imagine if you had a child with this man and you split up - he would be there in the childs ear constantly slagging you off behind your back

why put yourself and your dc in this situation

TalkativeJim Sat 20-Apr-13 22:34:09

'He loves DD and wishes she were his'

- he hasn't been given the job of father, and he never will have that job. The post he has is stepfather. A very important job, and in many ways a more difficult one than that of father, involving putting his own feelings second to hers in really, really difficult situations - just like this one.

Does he in fact love your DD enough to be a good stepfather to her? It doesn't sound like it right now. He isn't acting in her best interests with this. Ask him. Is he man enough to suck up this situation and be a REAL stepfather?

cees Sat 20-Apr-13 22:53:26

Red flags waving all over the place but you seem blind to them amy, your ex might be a let down of a Father but he is her Dad and she loves him no matter what he promises and doesn't come through with.

What is your dp doing putting him down in front of dd and why are you allowing this shit? She is a child your partner doesn't have that excuse and neither do you so assert yourself and don't let your child down by becoming doormat for this jealous man child.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sat 20-Apr-13 22:55:38

Fact is that she's NOT his. You had a child with another man and looking in at what you describe - that's what I'd bet the problem actually is. You had a child with a man before you met him.

I bet it's not about loving your daughter (although I hope of course that he does) I bet it's not really about the type of man your ex is. I bet it's about you not having been in a box till he arrived to unpack you.

Amykins35 Sat 20-Apr-13 23:29:58

Yes the comment about the toy was nasty but correct - her dad had sold it. DP feelsa lot of anger towards exH over how he treated me/DD and how he lets DD down and isn't very good with her at all. However, if I can get over how he treated me then surely DP can too - same goes for me biting my tongue when DD talks about the latest disappointment at the hands of her father. DP is great with her and she loves him, but she'll always have a link to exH which DP needs to accept

Amykins35 Sat 20-Apr-13 23:31:17

Yes the comment about the toy was nasty but correct - her dad had sold it. DP feelsa lot of anger towards exH over how he treated me/DD and how he lets DD down and isn't very good with her at all. However, if I can get over how he treated me then surely DP can too - same goes for me biting my tongue when DD talks about the latest disappointment at the hands of her father. DP is great with her and she loves him, but she'll always have a link to exH which DP needs to accept

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 20-Apr-13 23:37:24

Amy, would I be correct in saying that your DP is in NO position whatsoever to criticise your ex when it comes to fathering? IIRC, he has made no effort to see his children by his wife for quite some time now, has he? I wonder if the reason he doesn't want your ex to be around your DD is because it serves as a reminder that no matter how bad a father your ex has been/is; he is still a better father than your DP?

SolidGoldBrass Sun 21-Apr-13 00:05:33

Dump your new partner, and promise yourself at least a year of being single. Your boundaries are messed up and you are very likely to have replaced one loser with another who is simply a different flavour of knob. Your DD's father is, by the sound of it, childish and unreliable and your current partner is jealous and controlling.

waltermittymissus Sun 21-Apr-13 14:03:51

He's not really in a position to judge, is he? If he CBA to see his own children?

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 21-Apr-13 14:39:27

Amy, I understand what it is to have an Ex put his needs before that of your DC. It's difficult and painful at times. But as long as you know that you are putting DD's needs first, you will always be able to look her in the eyes and tell her the truth when she starts asking questions.

Your DP is yet another man who is putting his needs above your DD's, yours and his own DCs(?). He is expecting you to sacrifice DD's relationship with her father to make him feel better. It won't make him feel better, he will expect more and more sacrifices from you and your DD in the future. Is this really what you want?

Squitten Sun 21-Apr-13 16:00:05

What your DP has to understand is that his feelings are irrelevant.

He is not your DD's step-father, you are not married and do not live together. Even if you were married to him, his feelings about your ex would STILL be irrelevant. In coming to an amicable relationship with your ex, you have already realised this. The only person who matters in all this is your DD. She should not have to live in a situation where she is having to constantly choose between her loyalty to her father and tip-toeing around your DP's jealousy.

How dare he dictate to you how you can communicate with the father of your child? How dare he stop your DD from having her father in her home? I strongly suggest that you start putting your relationship with your DD and her happiness above your relationship with your boyfriend.

Amykins35 Mon 22-Apr-13 10:21:04

I do put her first, hence why ex comes in at drop off and collection - the not wanting him to come in comment from DP came out of the blue though I knew he hated it. He thinks ex is a cock to DD but also thinks exH would have me back if I asked. ExH asked yesterday if he could take DD for tea this week and I said yes, he asked DD where they should go then he said 'I think Mummy should just cook for us here.' DD had already changed the subject so I didn't respond but it's hard because if I was single then I'd do just that. However, it is a bit cosy for us to be having family teas so can see DPs objection.

Squitten Mon 22-Apr-13 10:34:05

Come on OP. We're not talking about your ex wanting to come for a home-cooked meal every week are we? Your DP doesn't want him to set foot in your house - at all. His thoughts and actions are being entirely motivated by his own jealousy. And if it wasn't starting to get to you, you'd have told him to stop being so stupid and would never have started questioning yourself in the first place!

You are entirely correct in not thinking it's appropriate to be playing happy families in your home with your ex. Your DD should understand that you are seperate now and that's fine. My worry for you is that once you move in with your DP he will turn up the pressure. Then it becomes an issue of "Not in MY house". He's already starting to get under your skin and make you second-guess yourself. It won't end well.

GoingUpInTheWorld Mon 22-Apr-13 11:49:40

Op i agree with your dp about your ex coming into the house.

Alot of new partners, dont like the ex partner coming into the house especially if your ex husband has been rude and has only been more amicable when its suited him.

Its alot more common than you think for your dp to feel this way.

Your dp feelings are relevent, as well as your dd feelings are relevent. You just need to compromise and consider everyones feelings all round.

If someone was rude and a damn right PITA then i wouldnt want them in my house either when im relaxing in my scruffs, with them looking round and judging on things etc.

I think your dp should only say negative things about dds dad when shes not in ear shot, and that drop offs should be at the door or he beeps and dd goes out.

I dont see anything wrong in what your dp has requested. You have to consider everyones feelings. So your considering dds feelings by not allowing dp to slag off ex husband in front of dd, and your considering your dps feelings by now allowing someone he despises into his home.

squoosh Mon 22-Apr-13 11:51:49

I disagree completely with GoingUpInTheWorld.

TheBigJessie Mon 22-Apr-13 11:57:04

GoingUpInTheWorld The house in question is presently solely the house of the OP.

If the OP allows her partner to move in, it will become their home. "Their home" means the home of the OP, the little girl, and the new partner. Not his home.

GoingUpInTheWorld Mon 22-Apr-13 12:00:22

When it becomes his home aswell then his feelings should be taken into consideration too.

At the moment they are not taken into consideration as he doesnt live there.

But when he does live there, hes entitled to have his feelings taken into account. Its all about compromise.

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