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or is DP re: him not wanting me to be amicable with DDs dad?

(135 Posts)
Amykins35 Fri 19-Apr-13 23:38:27

DP and I have been together for 3.5 years, exH and I separated a few months prior to that when DD was 2. It was awful at first as DD and I had to move out to a hostel, exH was a nightmare etc but for the past couple of years we've been getting on much better and are positively friendly. He has a serious girlfriend and is happy and I'm happy for him, we were only together a short time and mainly for DD - there are no lingering feelings or anything like that. When he collects/returns DD from contact he comes in for usually 20 mins to chat, mainly about what DDs been up to at each house/school as she otherwise she just says she's forgotten. DD is very happy that we get on and likes to show her dad her reading book, school books, pets, bedroom etc. Considering once upon a time he had to drag her off me kicking and screaming every time it's a vast improvement. DP and I don't live together yet but are planning to in the near future. He despises exH despite DP knowing we were never in love, DP being younger, much more attractive etc - no reason to be jealous. He said tonight that when we live together he wants exH to stop coming in altogether. Usually if DP is here exH, DD and I (exH tries to include DP but he usually shuts himself away) still chat but not for as long. I think it's best for DD if she sees exH and I getting on and that it'd be confusing for her if it suddenly stopped, plus I resent him dictating who I can and can't let in the house. I also suspect he is jealous in a way as he and his exW do not communicate at all. AIBU to still let ex in when DP and I live together?

Amykins35 Sat 20-Apr-13 00:23:27

When we first got together DP made a big effort to reassure exH he wasn't trying to take his place in DD's life but it was too soon and exH was not receptive at all so DP just thinks he's a cock.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel Sat 20-Apr-13 00:24:12

Are you reading your own posts, your 'd'p wants to ban your daughters father from the house, bad mouths him to your daughter, he is jealous, and controlling (whether you can see it or not, he is) and already your daughter is telling him what he wants to hear to placate him, and you want to move in with him?

I would really rethink this if I were you.

qualitytoffee Sat 20-Apr-13 00:27:15

Thats just wrong. She already is learning to please him then, to keep him quiet, and you know what, she shouldn't have to do that.
Just like you.

Amykins35 Sat 20-Apr-13 00:29:48

Not defending him but he hasn't been malicious about him, he just struggles not to comment when DD says things about her dad. I.e her dad has sold lots of her toys recently as he decided she wasn't there to play with them enough. She spoke about planning to play with a particular toy when she went there and DP commented 'thats if he hasn't sold it!'

YoniRaver Sat 20-Apr-13 00:30:23

I agree with others that say I would be thinking twice about letting this man move in with this kind of attitude. He hasn't moved into (your) home yet and he is already trying to lay the law down

AgentZigzag Sat 20-Apr-13 00:30:48

I might have missed it, but why don't you live with your DP after 3.5 years together?

AgentZigzag Sat 20-Apr-13 00:31:36

(and I'm not being sarky 'remind me again why you don't live together?' grin)

Amykins35 Sat 20-Apr-13 00:34:50

ExH has also been promising her a trip to Alton Towers with her friend for months and the couple of days before contact DD talks lots about the trip lots but exH always comes up with an excuse why they couldn't go. I agree with DP that ex shouldn't keep disappointing her but it's no good for her if we make her feel worse about it

Amykins35 Sat 20-Apr-13 00:37:09

I don't want to live together until he's divorced and I wanted DD to be 100% happy with it first

qualitytoffee Sat 20-Apr-13 00:38:21

Its none of his business, and yes he is being malicious, because those little asides comments are being heard and filed away.

And he knows it.

Ouchmyhead Sat 20-Apr-13 00:39:09

I can understand where your DP is coming from; he obviously loves you and your DD so I think you can see why he wouldn't want him coming round for chats and what not, especially when your DD gets her toys sold/says she'd rather stay with you.

Saying that, it is obvious that it's important for you to keep a good relationship with your ex for your daughters sake, he will be in your life forever and it will make things so much easier for your DD to see you get along (I have a friend who can't even mention her dad in front of her mum their relationship is so bad, that is a much worse situation IMO!)

I only mention about how I can understand where your DP is coming from just to maybe point out that although he's in the wrong and he can't dictate what happens with your ex, maybe going a bit easy on him and just sitting him down and talking would be the better option. I know some people have said it would be a deal breaker for them/be wary but I think it's a situation you can easily resolve with a good chat! Good luck hope it all works out for you!

DoJo Sat 20-Apr-13 01:36:39

ExH's girlfriend won't have anything to do with me but doesn't badmouth me as far as I can tell. I've had to rein DP in for making sarcastic/derogatory comments about exH to DD - it isn't his place IMO.

It's not anyone's place - she is half him, and hearing negative things about him is basically trashing her too. He needs to stop point scoring and you need to make that a condition of him moving in with you.

sashh Sat 20-Apr-13 07:27:03


This is a little girl's childhood, she will only get one.

She loves both her mum and dad and her parents should be doing all they can to make sure she is happy and healthy.

Your DP knew you had a DD before you got together. If he doesn't want to see you chatting ex then he can go sulk somewhere else.

Helltotheno Sat 20-Apr-13 08:33:11

Red flags all over this op. But you're not really listening to any of the advice are you?
A kids life should not include having to placate immature adults.

SchroSawMargeryDaw Sat 20-Apr-13 08:48:17

I really wouldn't be moving in with someone who wanted to dictate who I could talk to or allow in my own house! Especially my childs Father.

Any remarks about her Father in front of her are not on either.

What else will he decide he doesn't like? I can see this being the kind of person who wants to choose who their partners friends are and such.

quesadilla Sat 20-Apr-13 09:17:07

Agree with what's been said wholeheartedly. You need to sit your DP down and make it clear to him that 1) your dd has a relationship with her dad, that isn't going to change and he needs to make his peace with that and 2) he is not going to be able to dictate who you see. If he has problems accepting that you need to ask yourself some hard questions about whether you - and your dd - should move in with him.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 20-Apr-13 09:36:15

I really wouldn't move in with him unless he changes his attitude.

Hassled Sat 20-Apr-13 09:41:25

Agree with what everyone else says - if you can salvage any sort of an amicable relationship with your DC's other parent after a split then it is absolutely invaluable, and will remain invaluable for years and years.

A couple of years ago DH and I, and exH and his DP, all went to my oldest's university graduation together. It was a lovely, happy day and ExH and I could talk about how proud we were of DC1, how well he'd turned out - and there was a real sense that we'd done it together, IYSWIM. I'm telling you this so you can see that that relationship doesn't ever really go away - you can't allow your DP to scupper it at this early stage in your DD's life.

pictish Sat 20-Apr-13 09:53:49

Another that agrees with the masses.
It's not on. You know it.

This could become a big stressful issue. Who needs it?

And of course, if he feels entitled to a say over this, it makes you wonder what he's going to decide next.

FryOneFatManic Sat 20-Apr-13 09:54:28

tbh, I'd ditch this DP if I were in this situation. You are trying to do the best for your DD, and your DP isn't helping with that at all.

Viviennemary Sat 20-Apr-13 10:09:03

YANBU. You are only being civil and pleasant. It's not as if you are all going on trips out or holidays together. Which I could understand a new partner objecting to. You DP sounds a bit over jealous to me. Not sure what the way forward is.

pictish Sat 20-Apr-13 10:11:47

Also - if his reasoning for feeling so vitriolic towards your ex is that ex didn't respond well to his not-trying-to-be-her-father speech, then that's even more worrying. Your ex must have thought "It didn't even cross my mind, because you couldn't replace me even if you were trying to!"

Let's be honest...if any of us here got the not-trying-to-replace-her-mother talk from a new gf, we'd maybe similarly dismissive. It would be this hmm face all round.

OP - I'm not going to say your new relationship is doomed...but I will say that if your dp can't wind his neck in a bit, it soon will be.

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 20-Apr-13 10:18:20

"When we first got together DP made a big effort to reassure exH he wasn't trying to take his place in DD's life but it was too soon and exH was not receptive at all so DP just thinks he's a cock."
But actually, it sounds to me as if nothing would make your DP happier than if your exH disappeared entirely and he DID take his place. And no communication with his ExW who he has yet to divorce (after at least three and a half years?) sounds as if he's trying to pretend that marriage never happened either. The past is past, but the present is built upon it, and he doesn't seem too keen on that. Red flags to me too, I'm afraid sad.

TheFallenNinja Sat 20-Apr-13 10:20:04

This is a dick measuring contest. Don't have any part of it. DD must come first.

greenteawithlemon Sat 20-Apr-13 10:25:46

Dump him.

It'll only get worse! Would he mind you having male friends? Having coffee at break with a male colleague? Chatting to a dad on the school run?

Imagine living a life where your every interaction with someone male is scrutinised and your DP gets jealous and controlling about it. I couldn't live like that.

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