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To not want to go in funeral car

(43 Posts)
Fairyloo Fri 19-Apr-13 10:34:54

I have been seeing someone for a year. Very slow, dating. I have met his family a couple of times.

His mum has been really ill for past year, I never met his mum when she was well. Seen her twice.

Mum has now sadly died and funeral next Friday. He wants me to go in funeral car. I barely know the rest of the family, I will feel like a total fraud and really odd like I don't belong.

Fairyloo Fri 19-Apr-13 10:35:53

Pressed too soon.

I want to go and support him. He really wants me in the funereal car.

Am I making a big deal out of nothing should I just go in the car.confusedconfused

Fairyloo Fri 19-Apr-13 10:36:53



I don't bloody want to go in car. I just want to go and maintain a low profile and support him.

Sparklingbrook Fri 19-Apr-13 10:37:01

Hi Fairyloo. Who else is going in the car?

scarredpierced Fri 19-Apr-13 10:37:18

If he has asked you in the car then no1 whos got an ounce of decancy would question it.
His mum has died, put aside your concerns and go in the car.

Portofino Fri 19-Apr-13 10:37:40

I think you would be going to support him, so if wants you to go in the car, I would.

HairyGrotter Fri 19-Apr-13 10:37:44

I wouldn't be comfortable with it, BUT, if it's his want and he needs you, I'd be there like a shot

Fairyloo Fri 19-Apr-13 10:37:51

His dad and all the close family

Sparklingbrook Fri 19-Apr-13 10:38:53

If his Dad and close family are aware, and it is ok with them, I would go in the car. But I totally understand you being uncomfortable with it.

Fairyloo Fri 19-Apr-13 10:38:55

Scarredpiece? What I haven't got a ounce of decency? Cheers

Sparklingbrook Fri 19-Apr-13 10:40:07

i don't think it was meant like that Fairyloo. it is the people who would question it not having an ounce of decency.

Bluebell99 Fri 19-Apr-13 10:40:22

I think you need to think about your partner/boyfriend wants and how you can best support him. Having said that, my sil's question mark boyfriend didn't come in the funeral car at my fil's funeral, he just came to the service. We hadn't met him before. he was a bit weird

LadyBeagleEyes Fri 19-Apr-13 10:41:05

It sounds like he needs you for support.
I think you should try and be there with him.

HollyGoHeavily Fri 19-Apr-13 10:41:23

If he wants you in the car then he feels he needs your support - I would put aside your misgivings and go in the car with him.

Fairyloo Fri 19-Apr-13 10:41:25

I guess I just feel like I hardly knew her and don't deserve a place in the funeral car

lurkedtoolong Fri 19-Apr-13 10:41:57

I would go. It's not about you and how you feel. It's about supporting your boyfriend on one of the hardest days of his life.

Sparklingbrook Fri 19-Apr-13 10:42:36

I totally get that Fairyloo, but you shouldn't worry. Your DP wants you with him. Is it a very long journey?

grovel Fri 19-Apr-13 10:44:55

I understand your qualms 100%. Perfectly reasonable.

Only you can decide how much your partner needs you.

EuroShaggleton Fri 19-Apr-13 10:47:21

A funeral is not about the person who died in one sense - it iis a rite of passage for those who are left behind to help with their grieving process. If he wants you there, I think you should be there.

scarredpierced Fri 19-Apr-13 10:49:19

Noo, FairyLoo, I mean if someone else on the day starts up "why is SHE in the car?". Then they haven't got an ounce of decency.

Sparklingbrook Fri 19-Apr-13 10:50:06

Thought that was it scarred. smile

amothersplaceisinthewrong Fri 19-Apr-13 10:52:01

This is not about what you want or don't want, but about your partner. Go in the car, and if anyone asks why you are there, just say because you were specifically asked to be.

scarletforya Fri 19-Apr-13 10:57:03

I don't blame you not wanting to go in the car. It could probably be misunderstood by onlookers that you are trying to push in inappropriately even though you're not

Has your BF ever been to a funeral before, he mightn't know the etiquette, partners don't really go in the car or even sit in the front pew with the 'original' family.

It's going to be awful for him whether you're there beside him or not and it just might make the other family members feel inhibited in grieving. That's what I would worry about.

Can you gently explain to him and promise that you will be just behind and will sit near in the church, hold his hand at the grave?

Crinkle77 Fri 19-Apr-13 11:00:32

YANBU I can understand why you would feel uneasy. You would not want the family to feel awkward either. They may not want to have someone else in the car that they really don't know either. perhaps you could say to you partner that you don't want to take a space from another family member who knew the mother better. If he still insists after that then just go in the car. It will surely just be a short journey?

iheartdusty Fri 19-Apr-13 11:04:08

could you say that it might be even better for him if you are ready and waiting for him at the chapel/church/crematorium?

I myself found it very hard to step out of a funeral car, until someone gently took my hand and led me to where I needed to be.

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