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AIBU?

To not always dance to his tune?

45 replies

DaydreamDolly · 18/04/2013 22:25

Back story, STBXH left me and (very young) kids 6 months ago for the OW who he'd been having an affair with for 2 years. (My kids are 3.5 and 1 year old)
He currently sees them for 24 hours every weekend. Either Friday night through to sat afternoon, or sat night through to Sunday afternoon. So far so shitty good.
He had a business trip earlier this month which meant he couldn't have them for one weekend. So I agreed he could have them on a weds night through to thurs afternoon so he could still have his time with them.
He then announces he is going on holiday with the OW next month, and won't be able to see them for 2 weekends. He again wants to see them before the weekend he goes, and after the weekend he returns. Meaning I'd have to swap eldest DD's pre schoolorning round to enable him to spend the days with her (a Friday and a Monday)
Now, he says he's going on ANOTHER holiday with her in June and wants to do the same again. I'm afraid I told him enough is enough and if he can't see them on his allocated days then that's his look out. Sure they'd like to go abroad for a holiday too but alas that's not going to happen.
AIBU to refuse this third request? I just feel like they've taken me for a mug these last 2 years so why am I accommodating them so they can get away together, 4 weeks after their first holiday?
He is accusing me of using the children but honestly they don't give a shiny shit if they see him or not.

OP posts:

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YouTheCat · 18/04/2013 22:29

Sounds fair enough. Keep to the weekend agreement.

Once the eldest goes to school, contact during the week is not going to be easy anyway and he'll just have to suck it up.

If he doesn't like it he'll have to go to the expense of taking you to court and then he's only going to get every other weekend anyway, in all probability.

DaydreamDolly · 18/04/2013 22:30

Thanks Cat, I really struggle as I don't want to be seen as the bitter ex but I've had enough of being walked over!

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CocacolaMum · 18/04/2013 22:30

HE should be slotting in around them.. not the other way around. Stand your ground x

DaydreamDolly · 18/04/2013 22:34

Thanks Cola, I'm feeling empowered!

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HollyBerryBush · 18/04/2013 22:36

I don't think you can call the business trip as mucking you about. Everyone has to work.

I also don't think you can expect him to curtail what is a normal holiday of a week

I would raise an eyebrow at a two week holiday so quickly - but then again most employers do insist on a two week stint within the holiday entitlement.

Flip the thread slightly - f he asked to take the children on holiday for a fortnight would you be threading that the children are far too young to be away from you for that length of time?

DaydreamDolly · 18/04/2013 22:38

Holly it's two separate weeks away, a month apart not a fortnight. And true about the work trip which is why I was happy to accommodate.
I agree that flipping it does change it, I would hate him to take them away but not just for selfish reasons, I don't think they'd like to be away from me that long.

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DaydreamDolly · 18/04/2013 22:39

Plus I have agreed to accommodate the change for the first of their holidays.

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Snazzynewyear · 18/04/2013 22:39

I think if you've allowed two other changes to the expected routine then you have reasonable grounds to say you have been flexible till now but you can't always accommodate every single request to change things. Has this not been agreed in a court, then, it's just the arrangement you have come to between yourselves?

DaydreamDolly · 18/04/2013 22:40

Thanks Snazzy yes it's just agreement between us.

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DaydreamDolly · 18/04/2013 22:41

Maybe I'm just being bitter! There's still a lot of pain going on.

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HollyBerryBush · 18/04/2013 22:42

Other than the fact it annoys you - is it actually upsetting routines for the children if he has them different days?

DaydreamDolly · 18/04/2013 22:43

Only in the fact I'd have to change DD1's pre school days.

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HollyBerryBush · 18/04/2013 22:45

So it's not actually a problem then, pick your battles, parents that facilitate contact usually have better adjusted children. Go up the avenue of rigid days and you may find they will resent you in the ling run plus there might be a time when you need him to do you a favour

pictish · 18/04/2013 22:45

What is best for the children? To spend time with their dad, or not?

Snazzynewyear · 18/04/2013 22:48

Will it cost you extra to change the preschool days? Or will it disrupt your own work routine?

DaydreamDolly · 18/04/2013 22:49

Thanks Holly, I appreciate it the slant on things. I guess Pictish that it's best for the kids to spend time with him and feel loved by him. Regardless of my feelings. Oh god now I'm going to have to back down aren't I

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DaydreamDolly · 18/04/2013 22:50

Snazzy no, no cost implications. It's just the principle of him swanning in and out in between glam holidays abroad with the woman who is 50% responsible for the kids being without their dad full time.

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nametakenagain · 18/04/2013 22:56

If you can acommodate him, then do, I think. There will be times when you need him to be flexible, too. Think f it as an investment even if its irritating at the moment.

DaydreamDolly · 18/04/2013 22:57

That sounds annoyingly sensible name Thank you

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Sh1ney · 18/04/2013 22:57

If it genuinely doesn't put you out then yes, back down. If it disrupts your plans, stand firm.

You do sound bitter... this is clouding the issue. Try and view it dispassionately. Practically. He can take holidays as and when he chooses now can't he? I'd concentrate on keeping contact with him to an absolute minimum and even then only about the kids - who cares what he is doing with his time? Not you! You don't give a toss. You're too busy getting on with your life without this cheating useless lump.

Keep thinking this until one day you really couldn't care less.

Good luck

BlackeyedSusan · 18/04/2013 22:57

prescshool my not be happy with all the chopping and changing. perhps you could suggest another day other than preschool day. you e offereing eextra time and dd gets consistency, which is also important. there my be different children and routines at preschool on a different day.

Inertia · 18/04/2013 22:58

I think YANBU. I don't think you should be constantly changing the children's routine to fit him. Think I would be tempted to offer a swap that suits the children's routines, not Ex's demands.

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ivykaty44 · 18/04/2013 22:58

why not tell him to lengthen his weekends that he does have the dc to friday through to sunday and that way he will get to see them more - and you get a longer rest

I couldn't swap weekends as I worked every other weekend - he still dropped weekends and I would have to find someone to have the dc. me and the dc wouldn't give our weekend time up together though so no swapsies

DaydreamDolly · 18/04/2013 23:00

Sh1ney, I was afraid of that I'm afraid although I try my best, the bitterness does creep in! I can't help it. I'm a line parent, skint and run ragged and they're taking holidays abroad. But of course, I'd rather have my life. I'll be the bigger person I think.

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Sh1ney · 18/04/2013 23:00

I would be looking at him having them every other weekend from friday through until sunday. that way he gets decent time with them and you get a proper break.

You'll be glad of the time to yourself when you meet fabulous new man.

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