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Family members moving abroad

(19 Posts)
chocolatehomemade Thu 18-Apr-13 21:25:30

To be (although a bit childish and trying to hide it from rest of family) p off inside about my sister emigrating - this also involves more to it than just her happiness which your OK with first - when it actually happens to you all sorts of thing start occurring to you, like - i.e looking after elderly parents ect will be left to me - sorry I know it sounds mean - I wish her well but also feel hurt which is irrational and that's why I keep it to my self.

SuzySuzSuz Thu 18-Apr-13 21:39:03

No it's completely normal in my view. My younger sister emigrated a few years ago and has married and settled out there. I was one of the few family members that, whilst not trying to dissuade her, was open that I didn't want her to go but did want her to be happy and would miss her loads.

Our parents aren't that elderly to need care yet but know that will be very hard, also when either of us have children that will be the next really hard time as the distance will be very much felt.

chocolatehomemade Thu 18-Apr-13 21:40:56

Thanks suzy

OkayHazel Thu 18-Apr-13 21:42:54

Maybe talk about your feelings with her? Regarding your parents?

What ever you do not phrase it as 'What I am going to do now you've buggered off?'

But more of a 'What should I do if something bad happens to Mum or Dad when you're gone?' And take it from there.

chocolatehomemade Thu 18-Apr-13 21:45:19

I would not discuss it with her I want her to be happy at the end of the day and would not put that on her, but it has had a massive impact on my happiness. Not really sure why I started this post -nothing can be done.

GailTheGoldfish Thu 18-Apr-13 21:46:39

It's hard for you but it will also be hard for her, she will miss out on a lot of family events and occasions. My brother and his wife and kids live abroad and it has been hard for them, when their second child was born we couldn't support them for more than a couple of weeks at a time and they also have only met my DD once. What you say about elderly parents sounds tough but perhaps you will be able to work something out such as her contributing financially instead?

JudgeJodie Thu 18-Apr-13 21:51:00

I don't think you are being mean at all. I am in a similar position (with massive compilations about children and exp's thrown in) and I console myself with the fact that she wouldn't pull her weight if she was here, so at least if she is on the other side of the world I can tell myself that is why I am doing all the looking after of parents etc!

CaffeDoppio Thu 18-Apr-13 21:52:40

Two threads?

chocolatehomemade Thu 18-Apr-13 21:52:54

It basically an emotional thing - I have actually had to go through a grieving process as I will hardly ever see her again. It is almost like them dying except they haven't suffered. Unless one of you has been through it you cant understand it - I was fine with it until it happened and then all these emotions dawn on you.

chocolatehomemade Thu 18-Apr-13 21:53:50

sorry about the 2 threads I thought I got the title wrong the first time - I am fairly new here

It isn't like them dying at all confused

My brother emigrated to NZ (although he came back 3 years later) and it was great to see him happy and having this new phase of his life. Its so easy to keep in touch these days as well. I know you miss her but you need to stop thinking about it as you are and start thinking of the cheaper holidays grin

chocolatehomemade Thu 18-Apr-13 22:01:58

I cant afford to see her

Still18atheart Thu 18-Apr-13 22:02:22

This exact same thing has happened to my df. YANBU

elQuintoConyo Thu 18-Apr-13 22:02:45

My parents are completely buggered, then. I moved to EU 14 years ago, DSis to Oz 8 years ago. We both have families now and roots, I don't know what I'll do when The Fossils start getting old. I expect I'll be doing majority of care as I'm closer.
It's a hard one.

JudgeJodie Thu 18-Apr-13 22:16:40

Actually I don't think grieving is entirely the wrong word to use.

A part of grieving is accepting the dreams and plans you may have made with that person will never happen. That you can't reach out and have physical contact when you need a hug off someone special. Someone who might be the only other person who shared your childhood

If you had dreams and plans of raising your children together, cousins being close, sharing family traditions and events etc then you need to go through a process of accepting that it can't and won't happen due to circumstances outside of your control.

So I think that it is a kind of grieving in the same way you might "grieve" when a relationship ends.

MacaYoniAndCheese Thu 18-Apr-13 22:20:00

I don't think YABU at all. We're considering the move abroad and I feel like your concerns are all things that need to be taken into account. Also, we emigrated when I was a child and I've seen first hand how that affects families. Have a sit-down with your sister smile.

2rebecca Thu 18-Apr-13 22:44:35

It seems strange to me to worry about how it affects you looking after your parents. I wouldn't want my kids not to move abroad because they feel it's their duty to look after me when I'm ill. I feel it's my responsibility and the state's responsibility to look after me in my old age. Elderly people without kids manage. I may die tomorrow or my kids may so worrying about what may or may not happen in the future seems daft to me. I think you try and build a good pension but really don't think kids should arrange their future plans over what care their parents may or may not need later.

NonnoMum Thu 18-Apr-13 22:47:06

Had couple of opportunities to move abroad but the biggest stumbling block was how many people we would upset if we went... Really.

YellowDinosaur Thu 18-Apr-13 23:04:40

I know something of how you feel - my sister moved to nz about 10 years ago. I've only been able to afford to visit twice since then. Luckily she comes back once a year for several Weeks at a time or I'd really really struggle.

As you say though you need to mourn to yourself in order that you can support her since the most important thing is that she feels able to follow her dreams and be happy in her new life without bring guilt ridden at those left behind. One of my sisters friend who has also emigrated had a Mum who couldn't accept it and has been really nasty on occasion. Their relationship will never be the same.

Practical stuff - many credit cards offer airmiles so if you're disciplined about paying it off you could put all your regular monthly spends like supermarket / petrol etc on there and as long as you pay it off each month the miles will stack up pretty quickly.

Skype is fab - free video calls which really makes the difference. Download it for free - just search for it on google. And if you both have smart phones you can text for free using viber.

Good luck - you will miss her but the above makes it easier.

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