to love being just a couple with my DP so much that I don't want us to have children?(87 Posts)
I'm 34 and should probably be getting on with it (in my PIL's opinion...)
Jamie I know what you mean and I know everyone worries about the surface things that having DCs will affect, money, job, time to yourself, sleep etc. But I'm talking about that deep down feeling of knowing what's right for you. And I can see that motherhood and children are wonderful but not for me. I don't know why, that's just how it is
I think if you & your DP decide not to have children that's your business. Yours only.
I was with DH for 10 years before we made the decision. We had a great time as a couple; holidays, money, social life. I knew I wanted DC eventually, and when I was pregnant I mourned the loss of my old life.
But, when DS then his brother arrived I realised that my priorities had changed & the luxury holidays seemed irrelevant. It was the best decision we ever made.
I'm not saying you can only have a happy & fulfilled life if you chose not to have children, but that for many people they are icing on the cake.
Don't do it unless you really really want to OP.
Yanbu of course. Your in-laws sound difficult!
This is quite a dark way to think, but whatever your DP feels about parenthood now, and however good your relationship is, his fertility will last longer than yours, and if you split up say in five years he could have a child with someone else whereas you might not have that option. Or you might stay together but change your mind in a few years and have fertility problems and end up with no children.
I don't mean to be negative, but sometimes thinking about different scenarios can help IYSWIM. I also know a couple of women who this has happened to.
Clarty I found the article, it was fascinating, thanks!
Don't have them if you don't want to. But listen to doubt if it's there. I decided I wanted to have a child when I was 26 - didn't have one until I was 30. 33 now and I doubt I'll be able to have another one without treatment, which I can't afford. Wish I'd started in my early twenties
Saying that, I did spend ten years with my husband (8 married), on our own, which was lovely too.
Well it sounds like you know your answer already! Have you talked to your DH about the fact that you don't want children and whether he is on board with that?
I'm just wondering if the answer to your IL gripe is simply for your DH to tell them "We don't want kids so there won't be any". At least they can go postal about it and get it over with then!
Children are hard hard work. They are can be demanding, expensive, selfish. You have to have a strong relationship to get through pregnancy, newborns, toddlers, teens,,schoolwork aggghh. Emotionally, we have been through extreme highs and extreme lows with our children. Without them our lives would have been a less stressful plateau.
Having children was a natural step for us, and was a sort of progression on for our love for each other. We wouldn't change a thing. But I can understand why you would stick with what you know and not want kids.
I would not want to raise children if I did not have the biological urge to do so. I know a few people who have not had any (all in their 50's now). They have no regrets. YANBU.
YANBU - children are very hard on a relationship if you aren't both 100% committed. Not to done if you're not sure.
Lots of people have taken the decision not to have DCs, but these people are therefore not PIL to anyone - and often don't socialise or live in child friendly places to friends with people like your PIL. Your PIL also will be from a generation where fertility treatment wasn't as available/successful so are more likely to just assume those amongst their social group who don't have DCs weren't able too IYSWIM.
Personally, I'd talk to your DH about it again, be 100% certain he doesn't want them, then get him to let it slip to his Dad that he thinks he can't have DCs, that will probably shut your FIL up for a while, which is all you want (don't let it be you that officially has the problem, as then you might find your FIL starts pressuring your DP to go find a woman who can have DCs)
But yes, be very certain your DP doesn't want DCs, you have only a few years left of being able to have DCs, he's easily got a couple of extra decades. I know a few dads who had DCs in their 50s, and their 30-something DWs were not their first long term relationship. It might not be a deal breaker now, but it might become a deal breaker in his 40s. Best to be certain his "I don't mind either way" doesn't mean "I don't mind either way now but probably will want them at some point." (If that's the case, best to leave him now rather than wait for the inevitable)
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