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cutting family off from my 2year old

(5 Posts)
mrstumble2 Thu 18-Apr-13 14:12:29

I have recently decided to cut all of my family out of mine and my sons life this is for a number of reasons. The main reason being i dont like the way my nephew gets more time and comes accross more inmportant because his dad doesnt bother an my son still has his dad there as we are still together. When i have actually pulled my mum over it after she turned up one day with my nephew in the car to drop something off an then told me how her an my dad were off out for the day with my nephew as my sister was in work. Now luckily my little boy was only 9months at the time so was unaware but i thought she could of easily said oh we will take them both. this sort of thing was happening more and more an when i finally got angry over it and said somethin.
I was told my son had a dad an my nephew didnt. so when my little boy is old enough to realise nan an grandad arnt the same with him as tgey are his cousin av got to then say oh thats cos you have a dad thats why you cant spend as much time with nanny an grandad.
My dad later on went on to have a number if affairs and after my mum taking him back time after time in the end he moved in with one. Before he moved in with her though he was stuck for somewhere to live an me not wanting to see my dad sleeping in a car i let him stay at mine. i told my mother i wasnt taking sides but i just couldnt do that after that none of my family spoke to me. my dad moved in with his girlfriend an he stopped bothering.
He hasnt seen my little boy now since xmas day. My mum and two sisters dont really bother with him. so i have decided i dont want him growing up resentfull and left out. have i made the right decision or am i in some sort of way depriving him of a family.

Dahlialover Thu 18-Apr-13 14:28:33

I had a mother who used to overcompensate for the perceived deficits in my sister's children's lives. She would not understand my point of view at all. My brother felt the same.

I just withdrew but kept up with doing the 'right thing'. I just stopped running the extra mile for her as it was not going to make her love me any more and it was causing problems with my family and making me unhappy.

It is best to keep up the formal contact and keep your distance, expect nothing and not be disappointed. It is hard to do and sometimes it is easier to cut off contact all together. However, keeping lines of contact open is probably the best way forward, unless they are seriously dysfunctional.

formicaqueen Thu 18-Apr-13 14:34:18

I agree - formal, rare but polite contact works in such situations. Create some distance and chat with friends about it. Choose not to let it upset you.

DiscoDonkey Thu 18-Apr-13 14:39:23

I agree that polite but distant is the way forward. It's how I now approach dh's family who behave similarly.

atrcts Thu 18-Apr-13 14:46:46

I would keep the contact but on your terms, for the following reasons:

1. When your child is old enough, there are bound to be questions asked about why the family aren't in contact. So you can't fully shield your reasons and what has happened, from your child.

2. Sometimes in life, and always in the absence of abuse, you have to accept people for what they can give and not necessarily what you want them to give. It's probably a reasonable life lesson for a child to learn, and people's limited 'giving' doesn't reflect the other person's value or worth.

My partner often gets this with his family. We don't cut them off because we just take them for what they feel able to give, which is often limited and unfair. It happened this week with a family celebration where grandparents took out my partners family/kids on a special day out, but did not invite my partner or our own family. I would have seen that has being excluded and so would not have done that to someone, but they just seem to not see it that way.

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