Am I going mad or is DP being unreasonable?(56 Posts)
Monday - drove off after having put my handbag on the roof of the car. He told me the handbag was on the roof whilst I was putting the baby in the carseat, funnily enough my attention was elsewhere and I didn't hear him. Loss of handbag, 2x carkeys, bank cards, driving license (with address on obv), housekeys. Vague apology made for totally ruining my day with stress and worry. Yes, a mistake but things like this happen all the time due to his carelessness and lack of common sense.
Yesterday - I placed an order with an online company to the tune of £250. It is in his name as I don't have a bank card. However, I discovered half way through the transaction that you can pay by paypal so the money that paid for the items is mine. Today they ring up whilst I was in bed after a bad night with the baby. DP takes the call. The order needs to be changed, he says "That's fine" even though he knew it took me weeks of researching to decide on these items and doesn't get me, or say I'll ring them back. He is now angry with me for being angry with him. Apparently if he'd woken me up I would've been unreasonable so he didn't. Doesn't take the point that he could have got me to ring them back.
Final straw today - I find he's washed the cat's blanket (pretty minging actually, excuse is a 5 week old baby) with baby clothes on a 15 minute 30 degree wash. Now the clothes are covered in cat hair and in my opinion, diritier than when they went in. When I point this out, he is angry with me as all I do is criticise him....ARGH.
So, AIBU in being pretty fed up at the moment?
I think you were being very unreasonable, he was just trying to help. You also sound very tired.
honestly - you sound tired and fed up but I think you are being unreasonable - it's not all his fault is it?
Cat blanket is his fault that's just plain silly.
Agreeing to the order change also his fault he should have checked with you. Is it sorted out?
Handbag is prob both at fault as I guess you put it there but he saw it and didn't move it?
The getting angry with you is because he knows he is being a bit of a plank. Also you are both probably knackered and stressed so everything seems amplified.
For the life of me I really cannot understand how you driving off with your handbag on the roof of your car can be his fault. How did he ruin your day with his carelessness? If I understand you put the handbag on there is that right?
The online order - I don't know he'd have been damned if he did and damned if he didn't wake you up probably. Plus you can call them now and change it I'm sure.
The washing - totally sympathise. I hate it when mine does washing as he puts the wrong things in and doesn't use common sense. But when I pull him up on it of course he says all I do is criticise and that he was only trying to help and he wonders why he bothers.
I would be really cross about washing baby clothes (or any clothes) with a cat blanket.
The handbag on car was confusing- who put the bag on the car & who drove off? not sure he is responsible for your bag.
The phone call, that was a bit silly of him. But he was trying to let you sleep? so not sure who is unreasonable there.
You did sound stressed & tired- not surprising with a tiny baby. Maybe try to do something nice for yourself to help you calm down. Then tell your DH (calmly) how he could really help you, it does sound as if he is trying.
I would be mad if my DH put my handbag on the roof. I very deliberately NEVER put anything on the roof so that I don't go drive off with it up there (as we've got a tall car and it's above my natural eyeline).
I would tell him this. And he'd probaby remember and conceed it was daft.
The other things can be remedied relatively easily - but i'd have your DH remedy them both, not you.
He put the handbag on the car roof, told me (i didn't hear for reasons explained above) and then he drove the car off without checking I'd taken the handbag.
Oh, I see. Well in that case I would be annoyed, too. Although technically it is probably a misunderstanding.
Oh, that makes more sense discolite. Hmmm that is annoying. Are you both up in the night with the baby? We have a 3 month old, send when we have both lost sleep more mistakes are made. Perhaps you both need a break?
Ah right that is a different story then on the handbag YANBU.
I'd also get him to fix the baby clothes and cat blanket. He probably also has to change the order too.
I'd say take a deep breath and put your feet up sounds like you need it.
Thank you for your opinions everyone.
We are both tired but unfortunately he has been making mistakes like this since i met him. I can cope with them normally but the handbag really really really annoyed me...he lost his own wallet last week, fine, his problem. He left his computer in a car he sold, fine, his problem. He messes up tickets for plane travel/train travel, fine his problem. But we'd be much better off financially as a couple if he didn't have to keep paying for his careless mistakes.
Yes, he is only trying to help, and most of the time he is brilliant. But sometimes he just makes my life so much harder than it need be. My decision to have a baby with him, so I'll have to suck it up as a personality quirk but it drives me absolutely mad....
Sorry but YABU especially about the handbag. Why should he be responsible for your hand bag? The order change thing is annoying but he was being considerate by not wanting to wake you. It sounds to me like you are constantly nit picking at him. When the people from the company rang about the order he said he did not want to wake you for fear of upsetting you. He probably feels that he can't do right for doing wrong
YNBU but your anger will get you nowhere.
I understand exactly how you're feeling. You feel like you're the only responsible adult, like he's not as outcome driven and not respecting or appreciating the work you're putting in. I suspect that you're exhausted and feel entitled to him completely changing his tune. Little things are becoming the last straw. You want to get this right, you want to be pulling together. I don't blame you because I felt the same.
Your partner's on another planet, though. I'm not excusing his careless
behaviour, I'm just saying that he doesn't get the vision and doesn't understand why everything he's doing isn't good enough. Instead of digging deeper and showing you the commitment you need emotionally, he's withdrawing in exasperation. You need to try and reset this.
Take a step back. Apologise for how you've been (because constant criticism does deserve an apology no matter how provoked you were). Ask him if you can start again, together this time.
If you possibly can, take a break, either together or alone. You need a break from the situation to get some perspective. You're both stressed and tired and I think you would see things for what they were - quite honest and well-intentioned mistakes - if you could only get a rest.
God almighty he sounds like a nightmare. Totally irresponsible and careless.
I would be fuming about the handbag, and the cat blanket being washed with the baby clothes.
Does he do stupid things like this at work?
I think what Starfield said is the best advice.
I think I might be your husband I do stuff like that.
However, I am very well-meaning!
Gosh, you're both tired at the moment so that makes everything feel worse. The handbag thing is ridiculous - I don't know why he didn't have a quick check before you set off. The online order - a hassle you don't need but can probably be rectified easily enough. The cat blanket - a bit stupid but could be forgiven given the tiredness. However, you need to make sure that it's his job to sort out these messes and that you don't end up picking up the slack...
To be honest, I couldn't be with someone like this. These incidents sound like part of a much bigger problem. Why does he make mistakes like this? Unless its part of a medical condition or something similar, it's as though he can't be bothered to get things right - and the last thing you need with a new baby is an extra man child to look after. It must be tremendously frustrating, not being able to rely on him to book tickets, organise any part of your life - why should you facilitate this for him? I'm sorry if this sounds unkind - after all, he's the person you've chosen to be with. I just can't help thinking you're missing out on someone else who could be an equal partner in your relationship, rather than being with someone who relies on you to be his carer/general picker upper after the latest disaster.
Why did he put your handbag on the roof of the car rather than in it??
And a cat blanket in with clothes-just stupid!
But then if he has always been like this...
yanbu. I used to go out with someone like this and it drove me nuts. He had dyspraxia and some other issues so I tried to re-programme my thinking and be kinder and more forgiving, but I just couldn't get over my sense that I was always having to work harder, and lose money and time sorting stuff out that shouldn't have happened in the first place.
I wouldn't necessarily recommend that you ltb, but I think you need to find ways to separate his problems from yours. You can only do so to a certain extent within a relationship, but for instance: handbag. Don't let him have it. He will leave it somewhere stupid. Laundry: when he messes it up, make him do it again. If necessary, have a secret stash of clean baby clothes he doesn't know about so when you have to dress the baby, you are not held hostage to his crap laundry. Your order: make him phone them back and revoke the approval of the changes, and ask them to call you to clarify how to proceed at a certain time that suits you. Your computer, phone, keys, cheque book, etc - don't let him anywhere near them and when he loses his stuff, don't lend him yours, just refuse to do it.
You need to do all the above very calmly and pleasantly so that he cannot resent your manner at the same time as he is already resenting not being able to casually use your resources to sort his mess out. this is easier said than done.
for instance, don't let this conversation happen:
him "I need to go out, can I take your keys?"
you "where are yours?"
him "I don't know, I can't find them, can I just take yours?"
you (impatiently) "well what will happen when I need to go out and we can't find my keys either because you have had them?"
him "why are you always so horrible to me?"
Instead have this conversation:
him "I need to go out, can I take your keys?"
you (charmingly) "no, I need to keep them on me, I am going out in a sec"
him "Oh go on I can't find my keys"
you (voice dripping with love) "Oh dear. well, they must be around somewhere." then you change the subject
I don't like threads like this really, they turn into a character assignation of a man we don't know and who can't defend himself.
I get that the OP needs to rant and blimey, I've been there myself having to pick up from other people's mistakes, but I think posting here means that you will get plenty of posters who will take great delight in informing you what an arse you've married, which will make you feel shit and even angrier.
It's not a personality 'quirk' it's just the way he is, it's his character and no doubt you found it endearing when you fell in love with him, but once kids come along you expect him to suddenly change to Mr Organisation and that just isn't going to happen. It will, in time, but look at it this way. You had 9 months of having to get to appointments, remembering notes, furious reading of baby books, plenty of advice from other mums, etc so by the time the baby was born, you were already much more prepared than he was. Plus if you are the primary carer then your organisational skills are excelling due to intensive 24/7 training.
Yet I bet that even with all that preparation and full on training, you have made mistakes yourself. I remember forgetting that I was shopping with a baby and I left her at the cheese aisle after wandering off. I also used to always, always, always forget to bring a change of baby clothes with me so when their arses exploded, I had no spare clothes for them. No-one chided me however and I had to learn from my mistakes as he will.
You are both getting used to the idea of being parents still (trust me, it takes a lifetime and you still don't get used to it) and the harder you try sometimes, the more mistakes you make.
He will learn from these mistakes but you also need to learn to go easy on him too. He is only trying after all. He thought he was doing you a favour by washing the baby's clothes along with the cat blanket. Likewise with the order, he was probably terrified of waking you in case you bit his head off. The handbag - well he thought he had done well in telling you so really, you were both at fault there.
Please don't tear him apart on this thread. I'm sure he's not completely useless and those mistakes sound like the ones I used to make many moons ago and probably still do. None of us are perfect. You are both tired and stressed and you probably do millions of little things that get on his nerves too. Imagine if you came across a similar post about yourself on Dadsnet!
I get your need to rant but you also need to put it into perspective and ignore those who tell you how useless he is, they aren't perfect either. Give it time and it WILL get easier, I promise.
therhubarb has a point but I still think that the op (and anyone in her situation) needs to find ways of making his disorganisation his problem and not hers, and while it is always good and constructive to be nice to the person you are living with, it is also a helpful and necessary thing to find strategies to help their shortcomings affect you less, which can mean appealing to the collective wisdom of the hairy handed truckers of the internet.
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