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Husband and a colleague

(322 Posts)
appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 20:52:57

For not wanting my husband to go out for a drink and a meal with a fellow female colleague in the evening while I look after the kids? He is now saying I could do the same but I am currently a SAHM. I am normally not the jealous type but this new friendship has just got to me.
I do trust him and know its just a friendship but what I have been struggling with is just that - even though I trust him I know that sometimes friendships become something else even if intentions start good as hes a bit naive in nature. Also where to you draw a line - I would call that a date really and in the past feel a bit naughty if I excepted and invite thats the same when in a relationship and would not have done it?

LightTheLampNotTheRat Wed 17-Apr-13 21:21:24

It would be a cause for concern if he was meeting someone while telling you he was doing something else. But he's being upfront.

Again, I'm wondering if I'm being naïve. Coming clean: I trust DH. But I'm not sure I trust myself. I have a particular colleague who I meet up with one-to-one from time to time (sometimes lunch, sometimes evening). Yes, I quite fancy him. But in a 'hmm, if we were both single...' kind of way. We get on well, and talk about loads of stuff. (He's married with kids, as I am.) But there's no suggestion of being 'more' than friends. Still, I wonder a bit about the whole thing.

AuntieStella Wed 17-Apr-13 21:22:12

When did he last take you out?

Arisbottle Wed 17-Apr-13 21:22:30

Male colleague sorry

ComposHat Wed 17-Apr-13 21:22:34

Oh good grief - is it really not okay out with a friend of the opposite sex?

Am I really so trusting that I think there is almost certainly nothing going on here?

If he was whisking this woman out with nefarious intentions do you really think he'd have told the OP the truth? He'd have used the 'working late/drink with a male friend' excuse.

If in a relationship the other partner tried to start telling me who I could and couldn't be friends with on the grounds of gender or telling me what harmless activities I was 'allowed' to do with them. I'd start considering the relationship, rather than the friendship.

NumericalMum Wed 17-Apr-13 21:22:38

I think a drink is probably ok but dinner... In my experience dinner alone with a colleague of the opposite sex is rarely about work... Even if nothing happens there is a high chance that they both wish it would. I do agree about trust being key but in my experience if there was no reason to worry he wouldn't want to go out with her when he could be home with you...

BornInACrossFireHurricane Wed 17-Apr-13 21:23:04

I would object. I feel slightly stupid saying that as of course men and women can just be friends, but that is how I feel.

DH would feel the same as me, for what it's worth

Samu2 Wed 17-Apr-13 21:23:47

Well if we just trust people then there isn't a problem, right?

I mean, everyone who got cheated on knew their partner wasn't trustworthy? it doesn't work that way unfortunately.

I will trust someone but doesn't mean I don't accept that they are human and meeting a woman for a meal and drinks just might cross some lines I am not comfortable with and ups the risks of them becoming closer and turning into an emotional affair at least.

The trust line always makes me laugh. I don't know anyone who was cheated on who didn't trust their spouse 100% not to. I trust, but I am also not going to pretend that socialising in an intimate setting in the evening with a new friend might develop into something more.

This link is eye opening

Soupa Wed 17-Apr-13 21:23:55

If you don't get to go out it sucks, if you do have the chance but don't go that is your call.

It wouldn't be an issue here, dh has a few good female friends who he sees outside of work. I have a couple of male friends who I go for dinners and drinks with. It's a non issue here, one of my male friends became a best buddy of dh too and I like his female friends too.

We do trust each other, Tbh if I couldn't trust him properly then he wouldn't be worth having.

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 21:24:39

He has had female friends in the past and I have been ok with it - he even moved in with one when he had nowhere to live as students but I new her and dident see her as a threat. Some how this has got to me.

MsVestibule Wed 17-Apr-13 21:25:28

My general rule would be that I could tolerate female friends he had before we met - they've had their chance at romance, and presumably didn't go for it because they didn't fancy each other.

However, I wouldn't like him to develop new friendships with women. Feelings can develop unintentionally, and the more time you spend with them, the more chance there is of those feelings developing.

I'm not a bunny boiler - my DH travels on business, often with female colleagues and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. I do trust him 99.9%, but I'm realistic enough read too many Take A Breaks to know that so many women wail "But I trusted him 100% and he ran off with my best friend."

IsThatTrue Wed 17-Apr-13 21:25:30

lightthelamp at least I'm not alone I was starting to think I was being completely mental.

But my DH goes out with friends both male and female, in groups or alone, for lunch/dinner and its never occurred to me to be bothered. And the situation has been reversed and he's happy for me to do the same. Maybe I am just naive? even though XH left me for a friend who he spent time alone with without me batting an eyelid, if they're gunna do it they're gunna do it and you're better off without them

ClartyCarol Wed 17-Apr-13 21:27:35

Hang on, you're saying he's the romantic type like yourself, and you feel you'd end up falling for someone when put into intimate situations with them? I think it's definitely muddying the waters tbh. Presumably her DP is fully aware of it all? Why not have the two of them round for dinner and get to know them both?

QuintessentialOHara Wed 17-Apr-13 21:30:11

Is he going to pay for her?

Why can he not take you, and her and her husband out?

Why is he not keen to get a babysitter and take YOU out?

I would be very hurt if my husband pulled such a stunt.

Thing33 Wed 17-Apr-13 21:30:20

I agree that the dinner aspect makes it seem more intimate and date like. Mind you if DH said he was going for lunches with a female colleague I doubt I'd be best pleased about that either. smile

IsThatTrue Wed 17-Apr-13 21:31:14

But isn't the point that surely one day wether you anticipate it or not there will somehow be an opportunity? If they are trustworthy they won't take it. Obviously this could mean you don't trust them from the off just in case, but is that how people want to live? Maybe being an optimist helps. Ill trust people until they do something that breaks that trust, not the other way around.

Shakey1500 Wed 17-Apr-13 21:32:16

I understand what you're saying Samu and yes, my "trust" line didn't really reflect what I was trying to convey.

I struggle with the concept of that if someone is in a particular "setting" shall we say (like the restaurant in an evening) then the chances are heightened somehow. And not only that, but the suggestion seems to be that if we "let" them be in the company of the opposite sex too much then xyz may happen. Yes, it may but if that's the road to be gone down then we'd (general) never let them out the house lest they bumped into someone who stirred their loins and they acted upon it.

I'm still along the lines of "if it's going to happen then it will regardless of time of day or setting etc"

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 21:33:41

Hes not being open about just half open he said he was going out on a different night out then he usually does and I just jokingly said who with and he said a female colleague and keeps on saying all the women at his work look like the back end of a bus - she not quite the back end of a bus - quite normal looking ive found out- Question = would he go out with the 60 year old one he used to work with - shes single and nice? he then tried to say others might be there but then she rang and cancelled and he didn't go out?

ClartyCarol Wed 17-Apr-13 21:34:09

ComposHat - yes, there's nothing going on at the moment, they are colleagues who have bonded and who want to get to know eachother better. However, the concern is how it develops. As pps have said, no-one is happily married to their spouse whilst simultaneously thinking they're an untrustworthy specimen who is likely to do the dirty on them given half the chance.

I dunno, maybe I'm cynical.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 17-Apr-13 21:36:16

For me it would depend entirely on the other person involved. It is perfectly possible to have and opposite sex friend that you don't fancy. Or, in my case, as a lesbian who has mostly women friends and doesn't fancy a single one of them. However, you've said you feel uneasy about this particular friendship so maybe you ought to meet up with this woman and him and see how you feel, then you can also get an impression of how your dh is with her.

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 21:36:48

I still don't get the physical trust thing everyone bangs on about - he could be temped by that on any street corner- its the other intimacy that hurts I am sure some would agree?? Help?

LightTheLampNotTheRat Wed 17-Apr-13 21:37:11

I agree, IsThatTrue. I have no reason to doubt my DH - he tells me who he's meeting and comes home and tells me about the evening. I don't want to waste babysitting time on meeting his colleagues - v happy for him to see them by himself. And they'll talk about scenarios/people that I don't know, so I'd be bored. Same the other way round, if I want to gossip with colleagues.

The situation I mentioned upthread does confuse me a little, admittedly. It does sometimes feel date-like. But neither of us are 'available'. And so we're just friends. And I'd be sad, not to be able to be friends with 'new' people, including male people, as well as people I'd known for a long time. I think DH feels the same - he says he does.

BOF Wed 17-Apr-13 21:39:14

I agree with SootyEyes- it's different from lunch as its eating into your time. And if he's got money to spunk up the wall on cosy dinners and wine, he should be paying a babysitter so the two of you can go out.

It's not as straightforward as having platonic mates: it's the fact that he's putting energy into developing new ones at the expense of making you feel like the boring drudge at home, when now is precisely the time in your lives that you both need to be looking after your relationship as a couple. There is likely never going to be a more stressful time for your romantic connection than having very young children, and if you are going to go the distance, you have to pay it some attention. To me, that does not include intimate evenings out à deux with new female colleagues while you stay home feeling neglected and resentful. He's not being very sensible.

Taffeta Wed 17-Apr-13 21:39:44

I think the fact that you are staying at home looking after his children makes a massive difference to this. Pre kids I probably wouldn't have minded. I would now.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 17-Apr-13 21:40:33

Don't know if it helps but I developed a really horrible feeling about my Dp meeting up with an ex (even though I am friends with my ex). However, her ex came to ours for lunch shortly after their meeting and as soon as I met her and saw them together I realised I had been mad to worry about it. There was no weirdness at all.

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 21:41:01

Yes I am fine with lunch old friends ect work ect. O and it our money as well?

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