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who isbu

(50 Posts)
frienddilemma Wed 17-Apr-13 20:10:33

i have an old friend and we have been talking about meeting up for ages. she has no children, i have one 20 month old and am separated and going through a divorce, im having a rough time. she's not that close a friend. anyway, she has been texting about meeting up and i thought i should make it happen, so i told her i was free a particular day (she had told me previously she is often off on that day). so she said yes thats grand, ill come round at 7. i said that evenings don't suit me with ds, (bedtime routine etc) so would afternoon suit. she said she would try to make it straight after work, for around 6.
but i was not planning on her coming for dinner - this might sound stupid, but i find being a single parent hard enough as it is, i think im in survival mode at the minute! i don't need the stress of cooking for someone else and trying to do hostess (Which i am totally crap at even without a dc) at the minute. so i have asked her can she meet me on the weekend instead. i feel a bit bad about it, but i feel like she just invited herself round for dinner... i would never say ill come round at 6 without being invited to someones house for dinner. is it me thats crazy? i don't want to seem rude but i get stressed about stuff like hosting dinner. anyway sorry this was long!

WorraLiberty Wed 17-Apr-13 20:13:18

If she's off on that day, she'll probably have already eaten by that time.

pjmama Wed 17-Apr-13 20:13:34

Tell her you'll get a bottle of wine and ask if she'll bring a pizza - job sorted.

frienddilemma Wed 17-Apr-13 20:14:02

she had told me previously that she was off, but now she says she wants to come straight from work

noclue2000 Wed 17-Apr-13 20:14:46

neither being U.
but you seem to be putting obsticles in the way.
you are a single mum, so she thought that coming to you would be easy, child happy and safe at home, cheap, no need for childcare.

squeakytoy Wed 17-Apr-13 20:15:46

maybe she thought you would already have eaten.. maybe she was going to suggest she bring a pizza and a bottle of wine with her..

I doubt she is expecting you to play "hostess" and as its her day off she may have already planned things for the daytime..

WorraLiberty Wed 17-Apr-13 20:16:03

Can you afford to go halves on a takeaway?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 17-Apr-13 20:16:06

What makes you think she expected dinner?

She wanted to come at 7, you didn't want that. She offered to come earlier and you decide she wants dinner?

you say she said she'd "come straight from work" so she's not off on that particular day? So can't come earlier?

I think you're overthinking things, tbh.

Blissx Wed 17-Apr-13 20:16:42

No, you previously said she is often off on that day but as it turns out she isn't. Why can't you chuck a pizza in the oven or better still, get takeaway?

aldiwhore Wed 17-Apr-13 20:18:05

YABU in a way... why can't you two catch up over wine and a take away after your DC is in bed? This is when I do my socialising! (Though I am married and not in an emotional turmoil as going through a divorce is!)

YABU because you decided to make this happen but only on your terms, and unfortunately your terms are fairly limiting for her, though it's understandable life is bloody tough right now, I don't think she has suggested anything U herself.

I think you need to be honest with her. Tell her you REALLY would like to meet up, if you really do, but explain how hard everything is right now and how exhausted you feel physically and mentally. Ask her to bear with you. If she is a good friend, she'll at the very least be understanding, she may even come and give you some support at a time that suits you.

I always found catching up with friends is best done when children are asleep/at school etc., so you can really focus on the friendship, hence I loathed coffee mornings with friends, I found them utterly stressful.

Without sounding patronising, maybe an evening with wine and friendship may just be what you need? A change is often as good as a rest.

Shakey1500 Wed 17-Apr-13 20:18:23

Yes just do pizza/take out. She's agreed to a time change already at your request. You run the risk of it not happening by asking for another change (unless you're not that fussed but would be a shame)

As an aside, I know bedtimes can be stressful and routines are important but sometimes it's good to break the routine as this will happen one day and better that your DC are prepared that things don't always go to plan.

TigOldBitties Wed 17-Apr-13 20:21:09

neither of you are being unreasonable. But I would say what she said and not think I was inviting myself round for dinner.

I agree with Hecsy.

Can you not just split a pizza? Text her and say, "I'm a bit too stressed out to cook, would you like to share a pizza/takeaway, or would you prefer to eat before/after you come round?"

Or you could just grab some crisps and dips and munch on that.

frienddilemma Wed 17-Apr-13 20:25:03


thanks for the responses. maybe i am overthinking things. but i think she would have expected dinner, as the last time she came i made dinner (when i was still with dh), and also the text said that she would come after work and be there for 7. then when i said it wouldn't suit, that mornings or afternoons suit better, she said that she could leave work early and get here by 6. so thats why im assuming she expects dinner.

thanks for the suggestions. i won't be able to do the wine and socialise after ds is in bed... im so knackered these days as ds is not sleeping he hasn't been too well. i always fall into bed knackered at the end of everyday i have nothing left to socialise.

i could do the whole take away thing... or pizza but i just know i won't enjoy it. im always tired by that time, and focusing on ds getting his dinner and you can't relax. maybe i will do that thing of just explaining how tired i am etc...and that evenings are not good.... though i tried that one and it didn't work so i wil have to include 'dinner time is not good for me!' as well and this just makes me sound insane. maybe she will understand more once she has her own kids. or maybe its just me who feels like this.

BackforGood Wed 17-Apr-13 20:33:34

Well, I think you are, a bit, sorry.
She works. Despite not having dc herself (so presumably would normally socialise with friends by going out somewhere), she's said she's happy to come to you, so you don't need to find a babysitter.
She suggested 7 (maybe thinking a baby would be in bed then?) and you said earlier, so she's preparing to leave work earlier to get to you for 6. I'm not sure what else you want her to do?
Why not try it - you might be really surprised and delighted at how much a good chinwag and a relaxing glass of wine with a friend helps make you feel better. As other have said, you don't need to go wild with cooking - a takeaway or a 'meal deal' or a frozen lasagne maybe would be fine. You can say that you're not coping with late nights now so need to be in bed by 9 in advance, but you'll have had a nice natter with an old friend and it might do you the world of good.
I can't see how she can bend any further over to meet you (way past) half way, tbh.

Shakey1500 Wed 17-Apr-13 20:36:45

You're pre-empting things that haven't happened. You might not be knackered with the thought of having your friend round? Your DS might go off like a dream etc etc. You are putting obstacles in the way. It sounds like you're letting your DS rule your roost. Don't get me wrong, I've been there with a terrible sleeper etc but you know, you have a life too, one that DS will adjust to if you let it happen. Don't mean to sound harsh, it's just that my Dsis told me all this and yanked me back to reality smile

Let your friend come round, have a makeshift dinner. Try and relax. She may appreciate the effort, she may not but she's a friend who wants to see you and has changed arrangements to suit. sounds like a good egg to me. And we all need friends like that!

frienddilemma Wed 17-Apr-13 20:37:16

i guess i wanted to meet with her on her day off, or the weekend. is this asking too much? do a lot of people not meet on the weekends?

i could try it... but i know it will really stress me out and that will take the enjoyment out of it. im not much fun these days am i!

noclue2000 Wed 17-Apr-13 20:40:00

you are really sounding high maintenence.

squeakytoy Wed 17-Apr-13 20:40:01

"maybe she will understand more once she has her own kids. or maybe its just me who feels like this."

sorry, but I think it is you who is being the one putting up obstacles and excuses here.. you do sound quite down though.. and maybe a chatty night in with a friend would do you good..

frienddilemma Wed 17-Apr-13 20:42:27

yeh. i haven't actually had anyone round for dinner in about 3 years so it is a pretty big deal. but ill do it.

idiuntno57 Wed 17-Apr-13 20:42:37

YABU. She does sound like she is trying to be accommodating. You want her to give up day time on her free day but don't seem to have asked directly. Maybe she wants to see you not your DC. Maybe she doesn't have much free time. Maybe you should make an effort this once. You might really enjoy it.

squeakytoy Wed 17-Apr-13 20:44:32

having ONE person round for the evening is hardly on a par with holding a dinner party though.. you dont need any fancy table decorations etc... you dont even need to cook!..

frienddilemma Wed 17-Apr-13 20:45:12

i did ask directly. i told her mornings or afternoons suited, and also asked was she free any weekends, and she didn't reply. i am also working a few days a week. i do make a lot of effort with my friends, but i try to do it at the best times.

LemonPeculiarJones Wed 17-Apr-13 20:46:30

You just need to be clear about the fact that evenings aren't good for you - which is perfectly ok !

Just reply something like, sorry lovely, by afternoon I meant between 1pm and 4pm ish I guess. By evening I am just a wreck with tiredness at the moment because DS isn't sleeping that well. Can we arrange one afternoon soon? Looking forward to catching up x

frienddilemma Wed 17-Apr-13 20:46:47

no but i am in recovery from a severe eating disorder which she doesn't know about, and this complicates things even more and makes it very difficult for me. anyway, i kinda wish id never came on here. i need to go to bed here, thanks for the replies

squeakytoy Wed 17-Apr-13 20:48:36

and the award for "drip feed" of the day goes to..... hmm

why on earth did you not mention that in your first post?????

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