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AIBU?

I always argue with OH about holidays...he's a teacher...

77 replies

idontunderstandmen · 17/04/2013 14:57

OK so one for debate. OH is a teacher so gets lovely long holidays. I am not a teacher, I get 25 days a year. We have been together 18 months, moving in together in 6 months. He just spent 2 weeks in Bali by himself for the Easter holiday and Im annoyed cos I couldnt go (also he didnt ask me). We have a 2 week holiday booked for the summer. I have said to him that I'd like us to do the big holidays together, he says I dont have as much holiday as him and he likes to go abroad during holidays, its unfair for me to make him stay in the UK. He has said we can look at sorting out our holidays at the beginning of the year so we have stuff booked together and he'll arrange other trips for the weeks that we dont do things. I can see that but I also wonder how it would work as a couple if he heads off to exotic places without me for weeks at a time. He also said he likes his "me time" and helps him to think about things. I can foresee that Im going to be a bit jealous though! Anyone else in the same situation? If we have kids I think he would probably rein it in...well I would hope so

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cansu · 17/04/2013 15:00

I think Yabu. As you don't have children yet there is really no reason he shouldn't take advantage of his holiday time. When you are a couple you will obviously have to rethink this in terms of finances and children should you have them. I can see why it's annoying but the alternative is that he should sit around at home just because you have to work.

NomDeOrdinateur · 17/04/2013 15:03

The "holidays" are one of the reasons I hope to train as a teacher (even though I know I'll spend most of them working from home). However, I'd never expect my DH to agree to me spending weeks (and lots of shared funds) on solitary jollies abroad while he spends evenings and weekends in an otherwise empty house. It's inconsiderate, unfeeling, and ridiculously extravagant - YANBU.

purrpurr · 17/04/2013 15:05

I thought teachers spent some of what we see as holiday time (non term time) actually on site, or at least at home planning, marking, etc? I thought that came up on a recent thread, teachers vs the world or some such.

YABU I think, if your OH is in the rather incredible position of having lots of holiday time per year and the cash to go off to lots of exotic locations, he should do it. If I was in that situation and my partner wanted to tie me down to the UK, I'd drop the partner in the end I think.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 17/04/2013 15:07

YABU - you have only been together 18 months so it's not really long term yet is it. He gets 13 weeks a year and you dont.....annoying but that shouldnt let him stop enjoying his massive holidays. Do you live together?

I totally understand where he is coming from regarding "me time" - we all need that for our own well being.

Branleuse · 17/04/2013 15:08

YABU

fairylightsinthespring · 17/04/2013 15:08

I used to be married to someone who wasn't a teacher (I am). As well as a joint holiday every year, I would go off with friends or my sis when he was at work and he would go on snow holidays during term time as it was so much cheaper. One of the reasons he is my ex is because I had far too much time on my hands when he was working and our lives just stopped being compatible. What do you want him to do instead?

lottiegarbanzo · 17/04/2013 15:10

Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

I agree with you that doing the 'big' trips, the really exciting, once in a lifetime, dream destination trips, together - assuming you share the same dreams of course - should be your aim, as half the pleasure is in the anticipation and recounting afterwards.

That doesn't mean he can't go away during other holiday time though. There must be places you're less keen on than him, or that you could go to easily another time.

The bigger issue I see here is money! If he's spending all of his on frequent, long-haul holidays, he's not going to have much left for household improvements, nice weekends away and nights out, or saving for a desposit or for children. You may find yoursleves quite mistmatched in terms of financial attitudes. Maybe not but definitely worth some thought before you move in together.

AuntieStella · 17/04/2013 15:11

"he didn't ask me"

That bit is a major problem.

You need better communication and to find ways of tackling difficult issues together. Ya, he has more holidays and would like to fill them with things he likes to do. Yes, some of that might mean his gong away alone sometimes. But no, unilateral decisions about anything are a bad indicator.

Do you co-operate well in other areas? Is this one issue that's become a sticking point, or is it an indicator of a wider communication problem?

Ragwort · 17/04/2013 15:12

YABU and very controlling. You need to think carefully about how much this will matter to you in the long run. My DH and I enjoy separate holidays, he has much a much more adventurous streak than I do, I am very happy that he gets to go and do his own thing and I don't have to tag along personally I would hate to have to have the same holidays as someone else, not everyone's tastes in holidays are the same. If it matters to you that much perhaps you'd be better off with someone who doesn't have 13 weeks holiday?

Fluffy1234 · 17/04/2013 15:12

Tricky one OP. I know if it was me I would feel pretty jel if my DH was on lots of lovely holidays and I wasn't. I guess there's not must you can or should do at this stage of life but if and when you have DC then I'm sure things will change.

LaurieFairyCake · 17/04/2013 15:13

You've not really been together that long and the problem is with him and his 'me time' and not with the fact that he is a teacher.

there's nothing wrong with him having holidays on his own - why are you bothered?

Maybe it's just you're both quite young? I'm sure if you have children it's your dh who will be with them much more in the holidays

lottiegarbanzo · 17/04/2013 15:14

Also, there's a big difference between him seizing an opportunity while he has it, pre-dcs, precisely because it is limited and wanting this to be his lifestyle forever and feeling resentful of curtailed freedom and of giving up an essentially single-person's lifestyle when they become a real prospect.

idontunderstandmen · 17/04/2013 15:15

Hmm well yes I would have quite liked to have gone to Bali. I was gutted that I couldnt, and actually he didnt invite me. I tried to say to him could he just do the exciting things with me but he wants to do exciting things all the time - he just sold his house and has loads of cash now. He is also very good at going to cheap places and not spending much out there. But he is just about to buy so perhaps the cash situation will prevent the exotic holidays for a while. Maybe I should just say its fine as long as we plan our holidays first, and what I might find is that he doesnt have much money left to do too many exciting things without me anyway. I wonder how he would feel though if I got maternity leave and headed to Bali with the baby???! for example. Haha

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SirChenjin · 17/04/2013 15:17

I think you both need to compromise. I would want to do the big holidays together too, so unless he is earning some amazing teacher's salary on a secret pay scale somewhere he can't have much left over for your joint holiday. I'd suggest that he spends a little less on the 'me time', allocates a bit more to the 'together time' and uses the remainder to the other stuff like the house and weekends away.

I can't imagine wanting to do the big fancy-schmancy holidays without DH tbh (although some time on my own without him or the kids would be extremely welcome) - and even more so 20 years ago when we first got together.

drjohnsonscat · 17/04/2013 15:17

a bit torn on this. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to "save" one of these big holidays for you (say three weeks backpacking round India or whatever you want to do). If he only wants to do those things on his own and only does smaller, package deals with you then I'd be concerned that he doesn't want to share the big adventures with you.

As for "me time" well perhaps it's too soon to tell him that there will be no "me time" if and when you have children. "Me time" does not exist in my world. I also need a lot of "me time" but I don't get any. This is a fact of life.

I think I would just be wondering whether he will continue like this when you have children - if he does then it's not going to work. That's a bit unfair, I realise, because you actually don't have children now. But it would just cause me to wonder a bit.

MaxPepsi · 17/04/2013 15:18

Both of you are being unreasonable. Him more so than you.

Easter holidays - he got 2 weeks off, fair enough. You (im guessing here) had a long weekend due to the bank holidays. You could have extended this by taking an additional couple of days and therefore had a nice break together. He was being a selfish twat to not even consider this as an option seeing as you have been together some time.

You however are being unfair if you expect him not to have me time away from you regardless of whether or not it's in this country.

Will this change when you live together in 6 months though?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 17/04/2013 15:20

When you say 'he is about to buy', does that mean that you will be moving into his house?

Where does that leave you in terms of your financial position? Helping him pay his mortgage so that he can go off to exotic locations while you stay behind and keep the place clean?

idontunderstandmen · 17/04/2013 15:21

Agreed we need to talk more about these things, before he goes off and plans them. The initial plan was that he was going with a friend (who then pulled out) which I guess is why he didnt ask me. I was annoyed though because I had asked him in the autumn if he wanted to go on holiday, he said he had no money and was saving, so I went away with a friend. Then as his house was on the market he changed his mind and booked a holiday at easter (without discussing with me). I let it slide cos I had gone away with my friend but when I said to him please could you not do that in future he said he was something he wanted to do in future, he liked going away by himself, he doesnt like feeling stuck in the uk etc. I said what about just small trips by himself and he said he wants to do long ones too. Grr. But yeah, maybe the finances will sort the whole situation out in the end

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Ragwort · 17/04/2013 15:22

As for "me time" well perhaps it's too soon to tell him that there will be no "me time" if and when you have children. "Me time" does not exist in my world. I also need a lot of "me time" but I don't get any. This is a fact of life.

It doesn't have to be though does it? Plenty of couples successfully arrange 'me time' (can't think of a better expression) when they have a family - my DH and I are very happy to arrange between ourselves separate holidays/weekends away depending on our interests/hobbies, and separate time away from DC.

HandsomeEddy · 17/04/2013 15:25

I'm with Stella. I don't understand the "he didn't ask me" thing.
You live together, but I assume from your post your do not mix your finances?
If you have your money and he has his (except for splitting bills obviously) then I don't think you should be quite so annoyed at him taking extra holidays when you're in work (and before any DCs come along).
But like some posters said the 'once in a life time' things should surely be better if you're with your partner who you love?
Sad for you he wouldn't wait to go to Bali with you.

idontunderstandmen · 17/04/2013 15:25

yes he is buying the house and I'll move in. I've told him I'm only paying my current rent to him though (which wouldnt be half the mortgage and bills, its probably more like a third as I dont pay much now). Technically yes, I would be funding his holidays...but then by renting Im just chucking the money away. Also he said when we get married one day the house would be in my name too so its not a total non-investment.

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HandsomeEddy · 17/04/2013 15:26

Sorry just saw you don't live together yet. Kind of his time and money to do with as he wants then. But I'd be upset if DH wanted to do so much without me when I really wanted to go too.

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idontunderstandmen · 17/04/2013 15:27

No we dont mix finances, and we dont live together yet. Trouble with once in a lifetime things is all his holidays are a bit like that...all long haul. We are going to America in the summer which we are both excited about. Im sad that he hasnt wanted to do any long holidays with me yet, I guess thats another issue.

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SirChenjin · 17/04/2013 15:27

'Me time' doesn't exist in my world either - in fact, I don't know very many couples who have the means or the opportunities or the desire or the annual leave entitlement to arrange separate holidays or weekends away.

idontunderstandmen · 17/04/2013 15:27

(i.e America would be our first 2 week holiday, longest so far has been one week)

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