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To have ended a friendship because her DS his hit my DS & DD?

(27 Posts)
airyfairy1978 Wed 17-Apr-13 10:03:37

I've struggled with this one for a couple of weeks. Friend's DS hit my DS deliberately & in temper-my DS was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. These things happen don't they? Children get all kinds of knocks blah blah blah. This wasn't the first time though & he has also hit my DD unprovoked previously. There's no redress, no chastisement & no consequences for the child, which further disrespects my children. Also, is it not a parent's job to help our kids to develop a conscience through helping them to understand the impact of their actions? My (ex) friend hust looked embarrassed. I'm sure she didn't know what to do but that's not good enough for my DCs
I do not condone violence at all. My DS & DD are gentle characters who have never had to defend themselves against violence or aggression. In some way this perhaps makes them targets for kids with more aggressive tendancies, which makes me sad, but it's who they are, they're not in the wrong qnd should not need to change.
My friend took offence to my withdrawing contact beteeen the children. Am I overreacting? Probably.

airyfairy1978 Wed 17-Apr-13 10:05:43

Cont...Surely though it's my job as mum to protect my DCs from harm. Any thoughts fellow mummies?

Dawndonna Wed 17-Apr-13 10:05:48

Actually, I don't think you are overreacting. You say there is no redress, no responibility. One day, you'll read about him in the papers and be grateful that you did end the friendship.

iusedtobefun2 Wed 17-Apr-13 10:07:45

how old are the kids?
Big difference between a 2 year old hitting and a 10 year old

kerala Wed 17-Apr-13 10:10:05

Toddler shoving YABU and overreacting, though I would expect a parent to do something. Older than that and parent doing nothing but has witnessed it YADNBU and agree with your post. That mother is setting herself up for a very difficult time if she continues to be so ineffective.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 17-Apr-13 10:18:40

Age makes alot of difference, I agree about that. However, I do understand you pov absolutely and have been in your situation more than once. For me it is the lack of reaction of the parent that is the final straw. Yes, some kids are a bit like this at times but their parents ought to be watching them and ought to be teaching them to make ammends. I had the biggest fall out of my life with a friend over something like this. She wouldn't acknowledge the bad behaviour either (it had happened for AGES) even though both her and her DP had witnessed it and done nothing many, many times. She preferred to say I was lying about it and has never spoken to me since. I don't regret it. Yanbu.

starfishmummy Wed 17-Apr-13 10:43:13

Yanbu. The mums lack of reaction is the problem for me.

Maybe ask her why she doesn't say anything?

MajaBiene Wed 17-Apr-13 10:44:30

YANBU I wouldn't put my DS in a situation where he is likely to be hit.

WhatchaMaCalllit Wed 17-Apr-13 10:47:01

Yanbu.

Was the exfriend waiting for you to say something to stop her child from hitting yours by any chance do you think?

MrsCampbellBlack Wed 17-Apr-13 10:48:25

How old are the children?

DewDr0p Wed 17-Apr-13 10:50:34

I also think the age of the children is crucial here.

Sianilaa Wed 17-Apr-13 10:53:07

If you're talking about a preschooler then that's different to an older child doing it IMO. However I would expect the mother to discipline the child!

But if it's been going on for a while and she won't address it, YADNBU. Have you talked to her about why she won't address her son's behaviour? I'd try and talk about it first before withdrawing from the friendship.

NotSoNervous Wed 17-Apr-13 10:53:47

What are the ages? Tat will make a huge difference. If a 2 yr old hit a 2 Yr old then they should still be told that its naughty and not to do it but its not the same as a 9 yr old randomly hitting a 2 yr old

LemonBreeland Wed 17-Apr-13 10:53:51

Age of the children is very important. However no response from the Mother at all would really annoy me. Even my 21 mth old gets told no when she hits.

jacks365 Wed 17-Apr-13 10:57:36

I think the age of the child doesn't matter since the real issue is the mothers lack of response. My 18 month has started hitting out in temper but she's stopped and told no. YANBU to not want to mix with a mother who won't even try to get a child of any age to behave.

airyfairy1978 Wed 17-Apr-13 14:29:16

My DS nearly 2, DD=6. Her DS=3.5. I knoq for some of you the young age of her son makes a difference. The fact remains though that my DS was hit in the face & knocked over. DD was also hit in the face.
ExF is something of a victim. Unsure why her children behave badly; because they're allowed to IMO. I'm a crap friend-she's going through a hard time re. Marriage & business failing...Lots of pent up anger in the whole family and no responsibility being taken to make any positive changes. I'm drained because of it all and DS being hit was final straw!

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 17-Apr-13 14:31:52

It makes a difference to whether the child is hitting because they do or hitting because there is a problem. 3.5 is young and they hit sometimes. However, well old enough for consequences.

airyfairy1978 Wed 17-Apr-13 14:50:02

I agree entirely. There's lots of stuff going on & I've tried to help but its hard when met with defensiveness/poor me. I like her DS. He's a cute child with lots of lovely qualities. I just can't put my own DS in harm's way while exF continues to accept responsibility

airyfairy1978 Wed 17-Apr-13 14:51:10

Doh deny responsibility i mean!

Cherriesarelovely Wed 17-Apr-13 14:53:35

I agree Op. Lots of reasons why her Ds might have hit out like that but no excuse for not responding. None at all.

SquirrelNuts Wed 17-Apr-13 14:57:27

YANBU you dont want your DCs picking up that behaviour. My DS is 3.9 and he doesnt hit, he knows better than that, he had a short stage of it at about 2 but it didnt last long! Theres no excuse for it at that age

TimothyClaypoleLover Wed 17-Apr-13 15:56:44

I do not think age is important at all here. I have just done exactly the same thing OP. My friend's DS hits my DD (they are both 3) every time we see him and his mother just laughs about it and never disciplines him. It has been going on for quite some time now and he is a horrible little boy. I appreciate it is down to parenting and not his fault but my DD is incredibly upset in his company and any playdates we have had are really stressful for everyone.

I have spoken to my friend about her son's behaviour and she is in complete denial and thinks its just a phase he is going through. Other friends have deserted her over the last year and I have tried to continue with the friendship but I am not prepared to put my children at risk anymore. This boy also attacks his baby sibling and the mother does nothing.

We have only become friends though the children so maybe is she was a lifelong friend I may have dealt with things differently such as continuing the friendship without bringing the children into it.

stopgap Wed 17-Apr-13 16:17:04

The lack of parental responsiveness would get my goat.

Just yesterday I took 20-month-old son to toddler story time at the library. Before the librarians read, children are at liberty to take books from the shelves and "read" them. So my son pulled a book from the shelf, but in comes a three-year-old who says "Mine!" and snatches it from him. Son looks shocked, but I say no big deal, let's choose another. Only it kept happening. And the mother did nothing, only sort of simpered and said, "He doesn't seem too bothered, really". (Erm, that'll be because he's shy and doesn't like taking things unless they are offered.) And then when we finally claimed a book, said three-year-old came over and stomped her foot on it so that we couldn't read it.

So you're definitely not being unreasonable. One or two of my friends' toddlers are more physical than my son and prone to pushing etc. but it really is no big deal, IF the parent is seen to actively discipline, or at least redirect the child.

teenagetantrums Wed 17-Apr-13 16:21:45

well i would say it depends if she is a valued friend can you not jsut see her without your children, you should not have to put your children in a situation they do not want to be in, so if the other child is hurting them just take the kids out of your relaionship until they are better able to deal with each other,

airyfairy1978 Wed 17-Apr-13 16:29:06

Crikey, if it's so acceptable to that mother she thinks it' s funny & allows her DS to attack her baby I dread to think what a menace to society that child will grow into. Like a lioness we need to protect our
cubs!

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