AIBU or is DH? (Long, sorry)(49 Posts)
Aargh where to start......
DH and I have been together for 13 years, married for almost 7 and have 3 DCs.
I am SAHM and he is self employed (this is a recent thing since birth of dc3).
DH has lots of "projects" - mostly vehicular including a car which he had when we met that has now been off the road for over 10 years. It is a nice car, a collectors car if it were on the road, and probably worth a fair bit.
We have moved house 4 times in 5 years and transported this car with us. I have paid for a new roof, windscreen and various other bits over the years, with DHs solemn promise that "this summer" it will be on the road. He's been saying this since 2009, and it's still not on the road - not even close.
It needs some welding doing, and a f other bits, then it can be MOTd taxed and insured. Great, except it only has 4 seats and there are 5 of us - so we won't all fit in.
DH also has a motorbike, which until march 2012 had also been off the road for a couple of years. Last year for his birthday, I put it through an mot, taxed it and insured it. He went out a few times, took dd1 on a road trip, and that's it. Since end of July last year it's just been stood in the garage and is now SORNd again.
DH also has a camper van, which is fully roadworthy and he drives it almost daily (not for work - I'm getting to that bit!) I love the van, it's great and gives us loads of freedom to get out and about.
I have a car (the family car). Pretty standard 7 seater which we look after as it is our daily method of transport.
DH made some noises about getting rid of his motorbike last year as he didn't enjoy the road trip and felt he didn't have time for it really. I agreed, but then he changed his mind and said he didn't want to get rid, but change it for something else. Again I agreed, but made him promise not to buy another project.
When DH goes to work, he generally borrows my parents work van. He can chuck his tools in and go. No problem. Except our driveway is not big enough for all these vehicles.
Today I had to leave my car out on the road, and it had the wing mirror clipped by another's driver. No damage, but not really the point.
A few weeks ago, I suggested that DH get rid of his car and motorbike, and use the money to buy himself a little works van, instead of borrowing my parents van and then moaning when he has to return it and take all his tools out.
He said that was like asking me to sell all my nice shoes and buy a new iron
I'm at the point where this could be a deal breaker.
Should he sell the car and bike, or should I just shut up and put up with it?
<be gentle please, I'm feeling a little jaded about it all this evening>
I don't think it's as simple as Yabu/Yanbu.
How long have you been upset about this?
Well if you had no room for your shoes and needed an iron, would you sacrifice some?
I see what he is saying but as Thr classic car is not getting fixed and he isn't interested in Thr motorbike, I Think it would be fair enough to get rid of them.
The old saying - if you haven't worn it in a year you should get rid of it - well he's the one started the clothes comparison! It does seem an excessive amount of vehicles to have.
I think that he is being selfish. Have you added up how much money has been thrown at these things over the years?
I think he should sell them. But it doesn't matter, does it? He doesn't care how you feel, what possible difference would it make to him what strangers on the internet think?
I don't blame you for being pissed off with it. I would be too.
Perhaps a compromise could be that he pick one of them and get rid of the other one and he can't have more than one project at a time?
You say that you pay for things. does this mean that you have separate money and not just the one pot of family money? If so, there's your answer - stop handing over any personal money for his projects!
Second the suggestion that he should get rid of one of them. He currently has two 'toys', neither of which are being used, and one of which could be sold and put towards a work van.
The parking issue would drive me nutty, btw.
I don't have any advice really but this just reminded me of a (short) convo with my DB
''so how many motorbikes do you have these days, anyway?''
''Four. Although the one in bits in the living room is more ornamental than anything else.''
The way I see this sort of thing is that he could be down the pub, playing golf, have a season ticket, betting etc; as it is he's tinkering on the front drive with a bit of old metal. Quite sweet really. I'd put up with that, so long as he didn't put his carb in my dishwasher!
WRT money, when he was a SAHD to dd1 and dd2 I paid for everything, but since I became SAHM and he went self employed he has taken over the rent bills, etc and anything left over is just there for whatever.
In all fairness he did save up his oddments of change to buy his LPG conversion on his van.
The roof for the car, mot and stuff for bike, were birthday presents.
I've had a bee in my bonnet about this for some time, but I seem to have a growing resentment towards them as I can't get the pushchair out of the drive without moving at least one vehicle. I can't reverse his van off the drive as it has no power steering and is heavy. My washing machine is in the garage, and more often than not I can't get to it because there's a pile of tools in front of it.
I don't want to take his "toys" away IYSWIM, but then do I put up with another 10 years of this car sat on the drive not moving? Until recently, it was stored in the corner of the garden by the hedge, but as it was on grass, DH kept saying the moisture coming up through the grass would rot the car. I suggested putting paving slabs down - we have a stack of them in the back garden, then it would be on hard standing and out of the way.
If I needed to get rid of some shoes, I would yes. I've Cleared a hell of a lot of stuff of mine out over the last 12 months as I haven't worn it and don't need it.
perhaps insist he rents a plot of land somewhere?
I'm sure the neighbours love you! Not looking like this on your front, is it?
He he, not quite like Onslows pad!
We're lucky as we're quite rural. Neighbours aren't bothered as nothing spills on to their gardens etc, and in fairness all of the vehicles are completely intact, there aren't bits all over the place.
I think it's just really got to me today as I had to ask DH to move his van so I could walk the DCs to school this morning, then I had to ask him to move it again so I could put DCs in it when we returned the works van to my parents, and in the middle of all that, I left my car on the roadside for a short wile and the wing mirror was clipped by another car.
Of all the many, many things in your post I can see would also piss me right off, the killer is "like asking me to sell all my nice shoes and buy a new iron". Because I'm sure you're all about the shoes and the ironing, aren't you, what with being a woman and all? Is he usually such a cliche?
Anyway - no, I can't see why you should put up with this shit. A successful marriage is about compromise - you seem to have been compromising for a hell of a long time. Does he ever compromise?
I don't think you are BU, especially as your daily life is being impacted. It's ridiculous that you can't get a pushchair down your drive. What does he envisage doing with the project car once it is finished, if you can't all fit into it?
I think what I would want to happen is that he sells the bike and moves the project car onto paving slabs, so he has a toy but it's not in anyone's way. TBH I'd also look at how often I was using the camper van and whether it's worth owning one or if you could get away with renting one. If he could get project car roadworthy, would he enjoy driving around in it enough to be able to get rid of the camper van?
I would leave the problem of whether to get a works van up to him, as he is the one affected by it. But at the very minimum I would insist on being able to access the drive with a pushchair - could the drive be widened at all, if nothing else?
His compromise is to swap his bike for one that he likes and will ride and is not a project.
WRT shoes and irons etc, he knows I love shoes and I have some beautiful ones, but I wear them.
He also knows I love ironing. He isn't sexist, but he doesn't want to budge over the vehicles.
It's a rented house so we can't widen the drive, not really any scope for it either.
I think he imagines in the future that I will drive the car with the three DCs and he will lead or follow on the motorbike.
Getting rid of the camper isn't an option, we use it as often as we can to get away and we do go to Europe in it too. It's our holiday van, and through the summer we'll try to go away as many weekends as possible.
goodness! I would tell him to get rid, to buy a the works van. I think its time for your Dh to grow up. No more money for repairs....get them sold x
I'm with serious tine to get rid, he's never going to finish it all.
My Dh has finally got rid of all kinds of project toys, our place was starting to look like a junk yard, all we needed was a vicious dog.
Now it looks presentable, and even Dh thinks it's nice. He is also less stressed over all the thinking about finishing things that would never get done.
I have plenty of jobs to stress him with if he needs things to worry about.
Borrowing a jobs van isn't on is it, he needs to sell a couple of things, and buy one decent work vehicle he can use right away.
Well you too need to be totally immovable over the issue of being able to get the pushchair down the drive. Does the current set-up mean if he is out and you can't move whatever thing is on the drive you are trapped in the house?
Can he rent garage space somewhere to store the project car, and the bike? Not ideal as a solution I guess, as it will cost more $$$ but at least they will be out of the way. Although then there is the possibility that they will moulder away unseen and end up worth zippo.
Do your parents not mind him borrowing their van every day?
So he has vehicles he doesn't use/like & nothing to get him to work everyday??!!
Ignore the car and the bike and the van - they are not the issue.
Tell him you refuse to live surrounded by junk heaps anymore, you won't put up with not being able to access the washing machine anymore, the path out of the house is NEVER to be blocked (ffs, what if you had to leave in a hurry???!!!) and he needs to find a way that you don't have to put up with SEEING the crap around you, because that's the real issue, isn't it?
If the ONLY way to deal with it all is to get rid of it, then problem solved. But it may not be the only solution. Leave it to HIM to find a solution, but insist that a solution be found.
Your Dh sounds a bit like mine op, with him it is things that might come in handy one day mostly wood off cuts. He completely blocked off the side access and built a shelter to protect his
junk treasures. It was ugly and also meant I was having to drag rubbish through the house every week on bin day, not to mention the kids bikes.
Following many heated discussions Dh just would not budge - we ended up moving and now have a house with a garage, a basement and x2 side accesses !( 1 already blocked) Lovely house but we had nearly paid off our mortgage and now have a really big one, all to store some crappy bits of crap!
Whilst marketing our last house crappy bits of crap had to go into storage to the tune of £1000 even then I couldn't make Dh see sence - weird because he is really good with money.
Good luck Op but I suspect it's a battle you may not win.
I know I won't win, he will choose his projects over me without hesitation
We had words this morning, he says I spend too much time on mumsnet and it's all I ever do, he says it gets in the way of us having a cuddle at bedtime etc.
He won't listen to me, he won't compromise with me, he says I'm miserable and grumpy and we never have fun.
And I went to my mums with ds and I've come back and he's gone out in his van to somewhere, no note, no notching
So that's it for another day.
I just want to cry.
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