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DD sharing bed with boy twice her age - update and advice please

(142 Posts)
princessj29 Tue 16-Apr-13 12:37:05

I posted a few weeks ago about my 5 year old DD sharing a bedroom with the 10 year old brother of her fathers girlfriend during contact. There is no need as its a 3 bed roomed house, they have occasionally shared a bed too and I think it's inappropriate. I told her father this but last contact they still shared a bedroom. I spoke to him this morning about it, he says he knows the boy and I don't, that the boy is young for his age and that he doesn't see an issue. I said he may act young but he is beginning puberty and that both children need privacy and to not be put in a vulnerable situation. He said he'll think about it. I previously spoke to the NSPCC about my concerns to check I wasn't over reacting, they advised I refer the matter to children's services. If they continue to share a bed/room WIBU to do this? Ex and I are amicable and I don't want to spoil that for DDs sake but feel he's being naive here.

Pickles101 Tue 16-Apr-13 12:39:28

I don't think you would be unreasonable to take this further, given that the father isn't interested in removing the boy from her bed/room. Utterly inappropriate.

quoteunquote Tue 16-Apr-13 12:40:12

If you are not happy with this arrangement ,which is by the way totally unfair on both children, do not allow your child to be in that situation.

If it is a three bedroom house why do they need to share a room?

TigOldBitties Tue 16-Apr-13 12:41:14

I think I would highlight how strongly you feel and tell him that you have spoken to the NSPCC and this is what was advised, and that you are therefore considering social services involvement.

I think it would be extremely detrimental to your relationship to contact social services without warning him. He may not be aware that that is the point you being pushed to.

He may be spurred into action or at least to taking you seriously by the suggestion alone.

Have you told your DD she isn't allowed to share the bed with him so that she can point this out to her dad when she's there?

Pickles101 Tue 16-Apr-13 12:43:23

If it is a three bedroom house why do they need to share a room?

They don't, hence OPs upset. But her DDs father doesn't seem to see the issue.

It is good that you are amicable with you ex and a good relationship is beneficial to your DD, but I don't think that is any reason to not get this sorted.

princessj29 Tue 16-Apr-13 12:45:49

I said that to him, he said that one day they would need third bedroom (inferring he and his girlfriend will be having a baby). I said until then they don't, that the boy has his own home and bed and if he does sleep at theirs he could share his bedroom or sleep in the front room. He says they enjoy sharing but DD has said boy is very body conscious (locking himself in bathroom to change, covering eyes at sight of DDs body etc) and DD is becoming the same whereas before she wouldn't think twice about parading around naked.

Footface Tue 16-Apr-13 12:46:35

What reason does he give for them sharing? How does he justify it.?

glossyflower Tue 16-Apr-13 12:47:16

To be sharing the bed - I wouldn't be happy either.
Bedroom not so sure but as you say they have another bedroom so what's the reason they can't have their own rooms?

On the other hand it's sad that people think the worst when maybe these children are just being kids and find it exciting to spend time together as they are almost like siblings.

Pickles101 Tue 16-Apr-13 12:48:32

If I were in your situation I would warn him that if the boy is not removed from her bed/room you are going to contact children's services on the advice of the NSPCC and take it further.

StanleyLambchop Tue 16-Apr-13 12:48:43

When I clicked on this thread I thought it was going to be about a teenage DD with a much older boyfriend! I am shocked at the ages of the children, I agree he is starting puberty and that is not appropriate to be in the same bed as a five year old. I think you need to tell your Ex you are considering ringing SS, it might prompt a re-think on his oart.

princessj29 Tue 16-Apr-13 12:49:24

I said that its not allowed for siblings of these ages to share a room let alone children that are not related and that if either child mentioned it at school it'd be seen as a safeguarding issue and he'd be reported to SS. He said he'd be fine to 'show SS around so they could see there's nothing weird about it.'

Pickles101 Tue 16-Apr-13 12:50:26

Then phone SS and he can show them round and they can see that it's weird there's nothing weird

princessj29 Tue 16-Apr-13 12:50:41

They're not almost siblings, her father and girlfriend haven't been together that long. If they marry the boy will be DDs step uncle.

Footface Tue 16-Apr-13 12:50:51

Each should have their own room and if they have a baby which ever gender the baby is then they share with the same gender.

It's a concern for both children, and it sounds like he feel uncomfortable as well. I'd ring ss if that's what nspcc suggested. But id tell him first so he could change the situation

KarmaBitch Tue 16-Apr-13 12:52:55

I agree with glossy - I wouldn't have a problem with them sharing the same bedroom as such but not the bed no, especially if there is adequate room for him to sleep elsewhere.

Actually, the sharing the room would also depend on how 'old' the boy is for his age.

princessj29 Tue 16-Apr-13 12:54:54

Even if they have a baby it's at least 9 months of pregnancy plus probably 6 months in their room which means the boy will be 12 by then and the sharing situation would be even worse. Ex is in denial that boy is starting puberty, I said its hardly something he's going to advertise.

Bobyan Tue 16-Apr-13 12:55:16

I remember your last post,tbh I'm not sure what you are waiting for...

cavell Tue 16-Apr-13 12:55:30

That's simply not true. There is no law preventing opposite-sex children sharing a room. For many parents, there is no other choice - my nephew and niece, for example, shared a room until the niece left home at the age of twenty (she was older than her brother by two years).

Footface Tue 16-Apr-13 12:56:19

They are being very strange about the whole thing. Feel sorry for the boy. Does he live there permanently?

princessj29 Tue 16-Apr-13 12:58:00

Usually they share the bed to watch a film but occasionally have slept that way too. I don't see the need for bed sharing at all. I think sharing a room is inappropriate too as DD described the boys bits sticking up in the morning - I know he can't help it but she doesn't need to see it and he doesn't need to be embarrassed.

Footface Tue 16-Apr-13 12:59:57

Does he live there?

KarmaBitch Tue 16-Apr-13 13:00:18

Princess, if you really feel uncomfortable about them sharing a room. I'd explain to your ex that you don't want her staying there if she is to share a room. Couldn't she have her own room if there's three bedrooms?

Mention that it would be nice if DD could have her own room with a couple of her things in which would make it feel more homely for her.

BTW, is this your ex's house, gf's or joint?

Fakebook Tue 16-Apr-13 13:01:05

I still don't understand where the boys parents are? Why is he being looked after by his sister?

diddl Tue 16-Apr-13 13:01:27

Haven't you posted before that your daughter had already seen him with a "morning erection"?

Who is driving that they share a room/bed?

Does the boy live there or just visit?

adeucalione Tue 16-Apr-13 13:01:36

Have I remembered correctly from the other thread that they sleep in a bunk bed, with a double at the bottom and a single at the top, but occasionally have fallen asleep in the same bed if they've been watching a film?

TBH we regularly have a house full of family and friends, and wouldn't worry about putting a 10yo in bunk beds with a 5yo.

However, given that there's a spare bedroom, I don't know why your XP doesn't put her in there for a quiet life if for no other reason.

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