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Aibu to want to say goodbye to dying dad?

(27 Posts)
Goingunderfast Tue 16-Apr-13 12:13:31

I had found my dad 5 years ago he has no other children other then me but for the last 20 odd years brought up another ladys children and her name is ellan, when i knocked on dads door that first time he invited me in to there home saying look ellan its xxxx so she obviously knew off me, she was pleasent and we exchanged phone numbers. Any way next time dad phoned me he said ellan said i cant see you so we will have to see each other in secret. So he came to my home and place of work to see me. He retired last year and so was with ellan full time and i no longer seen him. My other family his sisters and brother kept me informed of his well being. And monday i received an email from my uncle saying that ellan has told family that if they inform me that my dad has cancer and is having his stomach removed this week she will make it awkward for them to see him. Uncle says hes not got long to live. And he had to tell me as im dads flesh and blood. He also said that if i was to go to the house i would be told by her to go away politly as dad is no longer mobile. So doni turn up at the hospital or should i leave it but i feel i need to at least say goodbye to him. They are not married but i would think she is down as next of kin. X

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Tue 16-Apr-13 12:21:38

Phone the hospital, tell them the situation, ask for them to deal with it sensitively and to find you a time to go when you know that she will not be there and to not tell her you have been? Ask for outside normal visiting hours perhaps? I am sure they will have come across similar before.

I think it is very sad that your father chose to not stand up to her during these 5 years. That must hurt. Particularly since he wasn't in your life before that. It must feel like a double rejection. Do you think you might benefit from someone to talk it all through with?

AMumInScotland Tue 16-Apr-13 12:26:55

Do you know from your uncle what hospital he is in? If so, then I think you should go and visit - either on your own or with your uncle if you want. If you tell the nurses that you are his daughter, then there should not be any problem in you visiting him.

And then see if he'd like you to come back often, and when would be a good time - assuming that you want to avoid a confrontation with Ellan, then you'd probably want to make sure you aren't visiting when she is likely to be there.

It is his choice whether to see you, not hers.

glossyflower Tue 16-Apr-13 12:28:00

You don't know she will turn you away by only what other people have told you.
However I would go to the hospital regardless, she's probably not going to be there 24/7 plus if he's able to speak he can speak for himself whether he wants to see you or not so the ward staff could not make you leave if he wants to see you.

Goingunderfast Tue 16-Apr-13 12:35:44

I have phoned the hospital this morning and they said that they cant help but to visit and see if dad wants to me. I was thinking of writing two letters one to dad and one to ellan. I dont want a confrontation i dont want dad upset. I was just going to put in letter to ellan that she has had a life before my dad as she has kids and so has he and can she not find in her heart to let me spend a little time with him before he goes. And yes i feel like a dirty secret and rejected is an understatement. Ive never been nasty nor do i intend to as ellan must be going through the mill at the mo but i do need to at least say goodbye.

mrswoz Tue 16-Apr-13 13:12:10

You don't need to ask Ellan's permission to see your Dad. If they are not married, surely technically you are his next of kin?

Don't wait. Don't dither. Go and see him, with your uncle or other family if you feel you need their support. Be prepared for the possibility that he may not want to see you, but to be honest if he is aware of what's going on with his health then I should imagine he would want to see you.

My dad died a month ago, you can't go back in time and say goodbye again sad

Sallyingforth Tue 16-Apr-13 13:16:11

I'm so sorry to hear this OP.
A good friend of mine was in a very similar situation. In our case she didn't say anything to the other relatives, but just turned up at the hospital during visiting hours. I went with her and looked into the ward first to check that the others were not there to avoid a confrontation. As it turned out her father was very, very glad to see her and they were both crying with relief and happiness.
I think you should do the same.

Goingunderfast Tue 16-Apr-13 13:33:34

Mrswoz sorry for your loss, thank you all for your replies. Im planning on going to the hospital first thing thursday morning as he should be there by then getting ready for the opp. Taking my husband with me and i will give them both my letter. All i can do i suppose is turn up and see. Im hoping she will be polite while I'm there but then do what she did years ago with the ultimatums. Hoping my dad will stand up to her but wont hold my breath . Ive been told that she will be next of kin regardless of my paternity. X

BegoniaBampot Tue 16-Apr-13 14:00:05

go to the hospital, it's important that you get the chance to say goodbye - it really helped me with my mum's death. not sure how close to death he is though if they are still carrying out that kind of surgery.

helenthemadex Tue 16-Apr-13 14:08:39

good luck with your visit on Thursday, it is absolutely the right thing to do if you don't go you would regret it

glossyflower Tue 16-Apr-13 14:33:40

To be honest I wouldn't bother with the letter myself.
I would just go and visit DF and say what you have to say.
The letter would not achieve anything.
Xxx

NotKathyReichs Tue 16-Apr-13 14:47:42

I may have a very suspicious mind but I wonder if her reluctance is due in part to inheritance? If he hasnt made a will then legally you may be the next of kin.

I also wouldnt bother with the letter, but do go to the hospital to see him, it is very unlikely she will cause a scene at the hospital if she has previously been polite to your face. Hope it goes well for you

Goingunderfast Tue 16-Apr-13 15:51:42

My uncle has said dad has already had high chemo and now stomach removed which will leave him with a tumor that can not be removed behind his heart in his gullet. Well will post back on thursday after going and tell you what happens. Thanks ladies x

Mamakan Tue 16-Apr-13 16:16:26

So sorry to hear of your situation.Good luck for your visit.Hope it all goes well.I lost my dad a few months back and miss him every single day.So insensitive of this lady to keep you away from him at such a difficult time.

Jenny70 Thu 18-Apr-13 17:06:02

Hope your visit was OK and you got to see your Dad etc. Let us know how you got on.

digerd Thu 18-Apr-13 17:31:36

My bil had advanced stomach cancer and they had to operate but had no chemo as was terminal. No mention of a tumour in his gullet, though.
He died 6 weeks later.
I do hope you manage to see him while he is still alive.
I don't understand his wife not allowing you to.
The threats to his family if they tell you about his op is just so nasty.

Your dad did still see you against her demands not to, when he could before he retired. Keep that memory close to you.

Kundry Thu 18-Apr-13 19:29:09

If they are prepared to operate then they must think the operation is worth doing and he is likely to survive for some time afterwards.

If you go the hospital and your dad has capacity to make decisions, then he will decide if he sees you or not.

I hope you manage to see him - it sounds like there is still time to try.

lunar1 Thu 18-Apr-13 19:32:59

I hope you managed to see him op

imour Thu 18-Apr-13 19:37:27

you are his flesh and blood , you have a right to be there if your dad wants to see you , he is caught in the middle however much he wants to see you he knows it will upset his partner , but to be honest from what you have said i cant see a reason why she wouldnt want you to see him , he should of put his foot down years ago and said he wants you in his life ,go to the hospital and spend time with him , this woman is being vile .

Goingunderfast Fri 19-Apr-13 07:59:49

Hi all went to the hospital yesterday @9 am. Found which ward and he was in pre opp assessment. Ellan was not there her daughter donna and husband was. Dads face lit up when i walked through the door. But donna the daughter looked mortified and looked at me like i was poison the whole time. She said her mom would not be going to hospital often due to her own ill health and i was welcome to visit in the evening as they would visit in the day. I explained that my dad excepts her as a daughter and her mom should except me but she just shrugged. She has told dad she is not going to tell her mom i was there as she dont want her upset. Went to see dad last night and he is doing well phoned this morning and is comfortable. Dad getting upset talking about wanting to sort something out when leaves hospital so told him we will sort that later. So relieved ellan wasn't there and dad wanted to see me. X
.

imour Fri 19-Apr-13 08:23:17

thats great news really pleased for you , hopefully when hes home things might change and you can have a proper relationship with your dad out in the open , good luck for the future .

helenthemadex Fri 19-Apr-13 17:12:06

so glad you managed to see your dad and even better that his partner wasnt there

Hope your dad gets well soon and you get to see him often

Marshy Fri 19-Apr-13 17:21:04

Whatever the outcome, you did the right thing to see him. Time is precious when parents are ill, as I know from my own experience this week with my DM who sadly died on Monday.
I'm glad it worked out well for you.

MTBMummy Fri 19-Apr-13 17:38:42

I'm so glad got to see him, and so sorry to hear about your dad

lunar1 Fri 19-Apr-13 17:39:40

Glad you got to see him, it must be so hard for you in these circumstances.

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