To think a text from couch surfing exP would be polite?(26 Posts)
I don't even know where to begin with the background on this but basically exP, father of DS is staying with us temporarily, storing his stuff in DS's room and sleeping on sofa or DS's bottom bunk. For most of the time since the relationship ended 6 years ago he had been living in a shared house with his sister and various other housemates. This situation recently came to an end when his sister moved in with her partner. As exP was in arrears with rent (incredibly bad with money but that's a whole different story) he couldn't raise the money for a deposit on a new room so asked if he could stay with us until he saved enough to get back on his feet. Nowhere else to go apparently. DS doesn't get to see as much of him as he would like due to fact he works in hospitality so I agreed/was slightly forced into a corner. He's just got back from a night out, work related, after saying he would be back around 11pm when he left. AIBU to think that it would have been polite for him to at least text and say he won't be back til 5am? This is the third time its happened in 2 weeks and the first time I was properly worried, thinking something awful had happened given that he had also said he would be back before midnight. So this time I wasn't worried but I am extremely irritated and thinking that the least he could do is let me know. Just out of courtesy? At least its still dark this time. last time he came creeping in at 7.30 stinking of brandy while DS and I were eating our breakfast.
So he can't afford to get his own place but he can afford to be out drinking to all hours three times in a fortnight? Get a spine woman and chuck him out! Not your problem!
If nothing else, get rid for your son's sake. What a terrible thing for him to have to observe and I don't just mean the all night piss ups.
Sorry, it was work related, he works in hospitality, he wouldn't have had to pay for drinks. Or at least not much. Same as previously, would have been drinking where he works then possibly at someone's house.
So what? He's still a cock lodger and setting a terrible example to your son.
Tell him to get a shift on. Coming in smelling of brandy at breakfast time isn't work really is it.
A grown man taking the piss, does he pay rent? Does he have a plan and a set time with you so you know when he will be moving out? Is he winging it and will go when he get it together? That will be never, he can couch surf for as long as you put up with him.
He's an Ex for a reason.
As an adult, and not your partner, I don't think you should be making it your problem to be concerned what time he comes in. I would focus more on a time table for getting his act together and moving out. It's all so easy for him, using first his sister and now you to a kid any responsibility
Set a date by which time he could save a deposit, and stick to it.
No set date of planning to move out no. originally it was 2 weeks. He will have to move out in a couple of months (obv I want it to be sooner) as I am moving further out of town so he won't be able to travel easily to and from work. So that is probably the timescale in his head.
There is a room available soon with a friend apparently but this isn't right according to him because its in a big shared house where DS wouldn't be able to stay. His working hours mean he sees DS on Sunday afternoons and whatever evening he has off in the week usually.
I think he should take the room and not have DS to stay (he had been staying less and less at his previous place due to issues getting him to school on time) and see DS on a Sunday. I know what form this would take though, lounging around on my sofa watching movies and football with him. Possibly even when I have moved. And no contribution to bills yet no. Its been mentioned but nothing forthcoming so far.
He also happens to owe me a lot of money from borrowing in the past. See what I mean about the back story? And that's just the tip of the iceberg really.
I do realise this thread should have been titled How Do I Get Rid Of Leeching, Manipulative ExP?
Well, whilst he always has women in his life who support his lifestyle he won't move out will he?
For the first off, although he's only temporary, have you declared him to the authorities? Council tax and so forth?
he's a bigger millstone than you think.
very good point holly. Not sure what limit is time wise, will check, but don't think I can charge him anything in that case. I am telling him today. Its a week too long already.
YABU just simply because you should never given him a key to your home. What did you expect?
Stop enabling and kick him out. He'll earn no responsibility until you do. However you may have to write off the money he owes you. Just don't lend him any more including letting him leech off your home, bills etc i front of his son.
Dear oh dear
Your mistake was to allow him back in your home
Whatever possessed you ?
if this room thats available soon isnt suutabke for ds to stay then I think he shiukd take it and use it as a catalyst to better himself for the sake of his ds. he has responsibilities but as long as you bail him out he's certainly not going to to face up to them.
its not an ideal setup for your ds to witness so I'd have him out ASAP. You've done him a favour, now it's time he did himself one.
oh and whatever his job, its no excuse to repeatedly come in stinking of booze - not the best example to ds.
but, he's an adult and therefore you can't dictate what time he comes home or what he does in his free time.
just kick him out and then you wont have to worry about it. well, as long as he's not been drinking when he has ds anyway!
it sounds like as long as you let him sponge, he will do! x
In the nicest possible way, grow a spine woman and kick him out! This mans problems are not your problems.
Maybe you need to lay some ground rules. he can stay but he is not to roll in at 5am drunk. Not a good example for your son
Kick him out. Stop enabling him. And then phone the CSA.
Hospitality jobs don't keep you drinking til 0730 in the morning! His excuse of the shared house not being suitable as he can't have your DS to stay should really set alarm bells ringing, why would you want your DS to stay with him when he is this badly behaved? Yes get him to take this room and move the hell off your sofa.
Thank you everyone for your comments- particularly the ones about growing a spine! Reading my original post back I do indeed sound like a total fool.
He is coming to collect his stuff tonight. No idea where he's going but I am sick of worrying and making it my problem. I've spent the day fuming at my own stupidity and that I've let him take the piss for so many years.
In a way I felt like I was protecting DS from realising what a loser his dad has turned out to be by helping him with one crisis after another but I am not going to be able to do that forever.
You've all told me what friends have been telling me for years but its taken the truth of strangers to make me do what should have been done years ago.
Aww I'm glad you've taken control of the situation mervyn. You'll feel better for having your house back to yourself!
Where he goes and what he does are not your problem. Just keep repeating that to yourself. And what a relief it isnt and he is out of your hair. Well done!
He didn't even put up much of a fight- I was fully expecting the usual manipulative guilt trip but he agreed he had been behaving like an arse.
Unfortunately I don't expect this to be the last time I ask for your advice on his antics but at least he is out of my house.
I am new to Mumsnet and can't help thinking I could have saved myself a lot of grief if I had discovered it sooner. Got it confused with that Other One ages ago, thought this is crap what's all the fuss about and promptly forgot about it for years! Thanks again
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