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AIBU?

to not want my son to miss his 3rd day at a new school?

34 replies

DryCounty79 · 15/04/2013 11:00

Hi all. I would like to have your opinions on this please, as I suspect I am being a little unreasonable so may need some sense talking into me.

My DS is going up to middle school in Sept of this year. His first day is a Wednesday. My sister is getting married that Friday. I have no problem at all with that, she has a tiny budget and Fridays are much cheaper. I will be booking the day off myself. However, she wants me to book a day's holiday for my DS so he can attend the ceremony, rather than have my other half pick him up after school to go to the reception.

I wouldn't have any problems with this any other week of the year, but I am feeling reluctant to take him out of school in his very first week - his 3rd day in fact, as the title says. I don't want him to start off the year a day behind, and I think the first few days are important for finding your place in the class, way round the school, and friend set.

I also don't think it would make any difference whether he's at the ceremony or not. He's not a page-boy and has no role within the wedding (there are so many nieces and nephews, they reasonably decided to not have any of them involved to prevent arguments), so his absence wouldn't really be noticeable.

So, am I being a bit unreasonable? I haven't given her an answer yet, I wanted to take some time to think about it as I don't want to be out of order! I don't think she is being unreasonable at all by the way, she just doesn't fully understand how I feel as she doesn't yet have children.

Your replies would be greatly appreciated! Thank you :-)

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squeakytoy · 15/04/2013 11:06

What does your son want to do? I wouldnt think missing just one day would make a huge difference. And if all his cousins are going, he might feel a bit left out.

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LadySybilPussPolham · 15/04/2013 11:08

Makes a change to have someone who doesn't want to take their child to a wedding!
I don't think YABU unless your DS desperately wants to go. It would be quite reasonable to give the explanation in your OP, and emphasise that your DS would be anxious about missing school. If he can come along later it's not much of an issue.
It really is up to you, not your sister

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wineoclocktimeyet · 15/04/2013 11:09

I agree that I wouldnt want DS to miss it either.

For the sake of family harmony, could you tell your sister that the school wouldnt allow him to have the day off?

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frogspoon · 15/04/2013 11:13

Is his current school a feeder for the middle school, will many of his existing friends be moving with him? If so I would not be too worried about friend set. I would be more concerned about him missing first lesson with new teachers and handing out textbooks.

It is obviously important to your sister, she must really want him to be part of it or she wouldn't have made a fuss. You could compromise and have other half pick him up at lunchtime (many schools only have 1 hour of lessons in the afternoon). It's your choice.

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piprabbit · 15/04/2013 11:13

How does your DS feel?

I remember feeling very excluded from the family when I went to school on the day of my sister's funeral. I was a lot younger than your DS, but knowing that the rest of the family were together and I wasn't there was difficult and still stings (even though I know it was done for the best reasons).

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CrapBag · 15/04/2013 11:16

YANBU. If it was half way through the term or something, I would have said it doesn't matter to take him out of school, but actually being the 3rd day when, like you say, they are making friends and finding their feet, I wouldn't do it either.

Tell your sister you can't just take him out of school when he has been there for 2 days. She is not going to notice him sat there when she is getting married anyway and I think your DH picking him up from school and bringing him along after is fine. In fact we did that before when DS was at nursery because I didn't think trying to keep 2 young children (I had DD as well) occupied through a wedding would be much fun. DS came to the bit after and didn't have to sit through the boring (for children) bit.

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heather1 · 15/04/2013 11:17

we had almost the exact same dilemma. DB getting married during first week of new school. We live far away so they would have to miss last 3 days of school. So we are not going. Sad we cant go but my DB and his fiance choose to get married on a thursday and so it is what it is.

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CrapBag · 15/04/2013 11:17

Pip does make a valid point. See what your DS would like to do. My DS couldn't wait to be at school anyway.

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WhatchaMaCalllit · 15/04/2013 11:18

I must be missing something here but from what you've said it's the third day back to school and it's a Friday. Does the school really start off covering the curriculum that much by the third day? Will he miss that much work by not being at school?
I think you are being a bit unreasonable. If you arrange it early enough, can't the teacher give your DS homework for the weekend so that he can catch up in his own time and you can help him?

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redskyatnight · 15/04/2013 11:39

Whatcha OP is not worried about him missing "work" - she's worried about him missing out on finding about new routines associated with the new school and missing out on forming friendships. Very valid concerns. DS's juniors had the first week very structured to get the children accustomed to the school/teachers/routines/each other. I'd not have been keen for him to miss a day of it.

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Fuzzysnout · 15/04/2013 12:53

I think you are being sensible. Those first few days really help them to find their feet at a new school and taking him to the receptionis a good compromise.

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tethersend · 15/04/2013 13:11

There's not really much of an argument here, as the school is unlikely to authorise the absence anyway.

Tell your sister that school said no and there's nothing you can do.

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diddl · 15/04/2013 13:16

I wouldn't want to take him out.

Won't he just have been at home for 6wks worth of week days??!!

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diddl · 15/04/2013 13:18

And he's not part of the ceremony & will be able to attend the reception after school?

YANBU imo.

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DryCounty79 · 15/04/2013 13:27

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for your replies, it was very helpful to get different thoughts and opinions.

I think it may be possible to request just the afternoon off school, which I would be much happier about. I was under the impression that it was an all-day event, but it seems nothing much is happening until after lunch (apart from nerves, panics and much excitement!).

My DS would much prefer to go to the wedding, but then he'd do pretty much anything if it meant he'd get time off school :-)

Sorry I can't respond to everyone individually, but there are couple of you I'd like to say a quick word to;

piprabbit, thank you for pointing out that he may feel excluded. I hadn't actually thought of it from that angle, but it is a very valid point and he would be upset. I'm sorry you didn't get to attend your sister's funeral, I can understand how it still bothers you x

heather1, I'm sorry you're going to miss out on your DB's wedding, what a shame. I completely understand why! I hope you all get a chance to celebrate together at a later date x

WatchaMaCallit, I'm not too worried about the work - as you say, there probably won't be much in the first few days. I was more concerned about it being only the 3rd day in a new school with new routines, teachers etc. But I will ask if the school would like to give him homework, just in case there is something important he needs to do.

Again, thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond.

Have a good day all :-)

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MrsJollyPostman · 15/04/2013 13:27

What time is the wedding? Could he be picked up from school before or after lunch? Just fib and say hes going to the dentist.

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DryCounty79 · 15/04/2013 13:28

frogspoon - sorry, I skipped over your post! Great minds must think alike :-) Thank you x

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BombayBadonkadonks · 15/04/2013 13:32

school might not allow him not to be at school.

I know my DS1's school says no holidays for the first 4 weeks of a new term.

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MoetEtPantsOn · 16/04/2013 06:23

I missed the first Friday of secondary school for a cousins wedding. Obviously a long time ago. But it was a real pain actually. New subjects started that day, new teachers etc. I felt really out of it on Monday.

She won't really notice who is in the church anyway. She might think that she will but when the time comes, I think it's unlikely.

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trinity0097 · 16/04/2013 06:58

It's not worth lying about reasons, children always tell the truth and we do find out - far better to be honest! Even if the school don't authorise it a half day missed for a family wedding is not going to get you put in jail!

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exoticfruits · 16/04/2013 06:58

Why would you want to fib? I never understand it, just say he is going to a wedding.
Personally I would do as you are doing and have him at school, especially since he can do the reception.
You could ask him but I doubt whether a boy that age wants to go to a wedding ceremony.

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exoticfruits · 16/04/2013 06:59

It is always a pain if you miss the first sessions of things.

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dozily · 16/04/2013 07:05

Generally I wouldn't take the dc out of school for a wedding, but I would definitely make an exception for my sister! Take him - not worth upsetting him or your sister over. Tell school the truth and hopefully get it authorised, then everyone's happy

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LindyHemming · 16/04/2013 07:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LookingThroughTheFog · 16/04/2013 07:22

When my son started school, he had a phased start - he was part time for the whole of the first term, and even before that, he went on two or three days a week for the first few weeks.

When my daughter started, that system had (thank goodness) changed. They still phased the children in, and for the first two weeks they did either mornings or afternoons, mixing the groups up so they could get to know each other in smaller groups.

I'm usually quite anti term-time holidays, but for this one day, that early on, the chances are he won't be missed and he won't miss much.

I can see Euphemia thinks they'll all be all sorted by day three, and in routine and doing stuff, but my personal experience is different. Routines were started, but incredibly low-level; this is where your book bag goes, line up for lunch, wash hands before, this is how we sit on the carpet at reading time, but nothing more than that. Lessons were slowly introduced simply by spending carpet time talking about specific subjects in weeks 3 and 4, and after the first half term, they started phonics and number work.

Socially, my son didn't have a firm friendship group established until year 1, and even now in year 4 it's quite flexible (he and his 'best friend' hooked up last year). My daughter started with a friend from nursery, so they did stick together, but by half term there was a third who she talked about, then by Christmas two more, and those five are now a very clear and determined little friendship group. But none of this was fixed and inflexible by the third day.

So I'd say, don't worry overly. Nothing will happen on day three that will remain fixed and unbreakable for the whole of his school life. If you do take him, I'm sure he'll have an interesting time at the wedding, and it will reassert that his family are close around him even while his own life changes. If you don't, I'm sure your sister will understand that it's a starting school is a big deal, and some children need to focus exclusively on that.

Good luck.