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to ask if you parent like your parents?

(24 Posts)
KarmaBitch Mon 15-Apr-13 10:36:20

I love my mother to bits but sometimes I just find her exasperating. She always has to have an opinion on how I parent the kids. I'm constantly getting: 'That's not how X (stepdad name) and I did it.'

I swear if I hear it again...argh!

I told her I couldn't give a rat's arse how she and my stepdad parented -DP and I are not them.

She always goes huffy when I tell her, though, claiming she's 'only trying to help.'

In all honesty she helps a great deal but I can't stand the 'Well that's not how..'

Drives me bonkers

shellshock7 Mon 15-Apr-13 10:44:52

We do parent similarly to mine, with some big differences, I BF for eg. but its never caused any arguments...we know we disagree but respect each others role as parents, how it should be.

We don't parent at all like DHs parents and they have made their displeasure quite clear and basically don't like me (they see it as all me, DH obviously doesn't have a say?!) since we had DS and it is causing a big idea how to improve things hmm

redskyatnight Mon 15-Apr-13 10:56:12

We parent mostly differently but some things the same.

I do use my parents as a frame of reference though - I think how they would have done it and what my opinion of that was (mostly this then leads me to do the opposite!).

My mother disapproves of most things I do though, so I'm used to it grin .

YoniBottsBumgina Mon 15-Apr-13 10:58:12

Same as others - some things the same and some different.

I'm probably not as involved as my mum was - she was endlessly patient. But I take a lot from her, and my own stuff too smile

Dawndonna Mon 15-Apr-13 11:07:05

Fuck no! But my mother isn't allowed to contact us!

LunaticFringe Mon 15-Apr-13 11:10:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

freddiefrog Mon 15-Apr-13 11:11:48

In some way, yes. Some ways, no

DH and I had fairly similar, happy childhoods, so I guess, 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it'

I am more relaxed and laid back with the kids than MiL would like and she takes it as a critisism of her parenting iyswim - I remember her once taking spectacular offence when DD1 was about 15 months and had pulled a load of plastic bowls out of a cupboard. She was having a fantastic time whacking them with a wooden spoon so I let her get on with it but MiL was horrified that I'd allowed it

WestieMamma Mon 15-Apr-13 11:13:31

God no. We weren't parented. We were feral.

dadofnone Mon 15-Apr-13 11:52:23

On the whole no.

AllYoursBabooshka Mon 15-Apr-13 12:09:26

Nope, I like my son. grin

formicaqueen Mon 15-Apr-13 12:25:38

We have never had the conversation you mentioned in your post BUT I parent totally different to my parents. I have actively gone out of my way to parent my own way.

My parents are very respectful of the way I do it because a) they would only seek to encourage me and b) my parents weren't that great at parenting years ago.

It's so easy to reflect on parenting style these days as we are surrounded by so much parenting information and food for thought. Great to take it all in and then do your own thing.

LokiTheCynicalCat Mon 15-Apr-13 12:46:14

I hope so, we both had great parents who were very involved and hands on.

The main difference for me is that I am more social and confident than my mother and try to get out a lot to groups and things. I don't remember ever feeling bored as a child, but I was shy and not a good mixer and I did feel isolated a lot, especially as I got older (countryside upbringing with a painfully shy SAHM).

OnwardBound Mon 15-Apr-13 12:48:22

I was just thinking about this the other day.

In some aspects I do parent as it was done [by some] in the 70s. So I am not too proud to dress DS 1 & 2 in [good] charity shop cast offs and second hand stuff from friends with older DC.

They also sport rather fetching pudding bowl haircuts as I am too tight- thrifty to spend £10 or so each on a professional with a fancy qualification and a pair of special scissors grin

However I do not believe in smacking [my DP still believe this is a highly effective parenting tool] and I don't have dinner table battles where DC are forced to eat such delights as brussel sprouts and porridge because parents decried it was an important part of their daily nutrition and nothing else would do.

I think there are some useful aspects of old school parenting and some where modern parenting has the edge.

So at the moment I am picking and choosing between the two approaches.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Mon 15-Apr-13 12:49:16

I am just about as opposite as I can be to my mum. Thankfully.

Airwalk79 Mon 15-Apr-13 13:05:54

If me and dh were to drop dead tommorow. I am more than happy to know that my parents would bring our children up and so a very good job! Very rarely have any discussions about parenting.

I realise I am very lucky in this being the case!

Molehillmountain Mon 15-Apr-13 13:15:59

My benchmark of whether a parenting decision or approach is to ask "what would dm do?". I then do the opposite.

gonerogue Mon 15-Apr-13 13:20:18

No, not a chance. My mother's idea of discipline was a bamboo cane or wooden spoon. She would give you deadlines to get things done by and if you were out by even five minutes you were punished.

I did have a large family, so not a lot of quality parent - child was spent.
We were shouted at for everything.

The one thing it did was teach me to be independent, and not depend on them for anything. I do think my mum was a narc, and Dad her enabler but that's a whole different section.

redandyellowandpinkandgreen Mon 15-Apr-13 13:20:51

I think we're pretty similar. Obviously understanding and recommendations have changed over the years so there are differences but nothing drastic. My mum has been very good at not commenting and also at following what I would do when she has DS. It helps that we have similar views though. In laws have fairly different ideas but have gone away and looked things up (such as about breastfeeding) and then been very supportive. And they make sure to praise me for the good job I'm doing. I'm lucky actually.

AnyFucker Mon 15-Apr-13 13:25:12

Christ, no

I make every effort I can to do the opposite

Molehillmountain Mon 15-Apr-13 13:25:37

I am learning, however, to parent like my mil. Little by little. She's amazing.

Doyouthinktheysaurus Mon 15-Apr-13 13:35:17

No, not at all.

I would say that I focus much more on the emotional health and wellbeing of my dses than my parents ever did. I strive to ensure they feel truly loved and secure, unconditionally. Lots of praise and positivity.

I never had that relationship with my mum and dad, it was much more of a cold, distant, dictatorial relationship. I don't live anywhere near them now so we get on much betterwink

VonHerrBurton Mon 15-Apr-13 14:11:35

Ditto, doyouthink. What you described is exactly what we strive for and I think we're doing ok. My dad is an insensitive, dictatorial, racist bigot. See him maybe once/twice a year and I married the absolute opposite to him. Mum and stepdad are adorable but mum spent our childhood frightened of questioning dad and it wad all just "his way".

We were too young to realise at the time but mum had a shit time, too. Ironically I did enjoy the majority of my childhood - until I realised how dad was. We parent ds so differently.

Tee2072 Mon 15-Apr-13 14:19:22

Nope. And it makes my mother mental.

"But I did blah blah blah!"

"Yes. And I'm not you."

She also compares me to my sister in law.

"I love that she blah blah blahs" looong pause waiting for me to say "My god! How could I not do that!"

Instead she gets "Isn't that nice. We have very different parenting styles, SIL and I."

This is my husband's sister, BTW, so not even technically related to my mother. They got to know each other through a long involved set of circumstances and now everything SIL does is perfect and I just don't measure up. Because SIL parents the way my mom did.

And I don't.

Okay, that was a bit of an essay...

Iwantmybed Mon 15-Apr-13 14:35:20

I'm quite strict like my parents I suppose but I will always try to talk with DCs and give a reason rather than just do it. I want them always to feel loved and supported though and for them to be able to talk to me no matter what.

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