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If you are a MIL, help me understand this crazy behaviour!

(186 Posts)
Wishwehadgoneabroad Sun 14-Apr-13 11:34:42

In a nutshell..

MIL now not speaking to me at all because I have 'ruined' her day.

Her day being my wedding day!!

Basically, we (DH to be and I!) want a very low key, no kids, short church wedding with a short, civilised meal after the event. The only child coming is our own (small baby)

Apparently, I am selfish, mean and 'playing games' because I am not putting family first and inviting everyone from her side of the family. The kicker, we are not inviting DH's baby nephew who is 'her world' and should be the focus of attention at her son's wedding!!

I have been polite and put her with her crazy ways over the last 4 years. Last night, she tipped me over the edge and I told her exactly what I thought - which pretty much ended in, 'My day, my way..don't really care whether you approve of our wedding plans or not, come, don't come, it's your call, but please don't dictate to me how to celebrate my wedding day'

So, AIBU or is she? And is this salvageable??!! grin

BlueberryHill Sun 14-Apr-13 13:08:37

It was canapies for me too, I still hate them.

Good luck, BTW, child free is fine and I would have no problems if the bride and groom had theirs there, you need to draw a line somewhere

diddl Sun 14-Apr-13 13:10:10

We also had who we wanted-we were paying!

There were a few young children/babies there-who were absolutely fussed over-'twas lovely tbh.

I was still the one in the big dress who had got married & was the focus of the pics!

digerd Sun 14-Apr-13 13:23:28

OP did not ban BIL from the wedding, it was MIL who insisted he not come as MIL and FIL don't speak to him and don't want him there.

OP and DH <to be> obeyed on this demand from MIL.

edam Sun 14-Apr-13 13:29:37

I'm not usually terribly keen on child-free weddings - think it's a bit miserable mostly - BUT your description of a low-key, short church wedding with a short civilised meal seems appropriate for no kids. It's not a big do with a huge crowd.

I do wonder what your MIL would post if she was on MN... bet she'd get loads of replies telling her SWBU. Even if she posted on Gransnet!

Flappingandflying Sun 14-Apr-13 13:30:05

I would invite nephew and the sister's husband. That way if DN is sqwaking there is enough of then to take him out. I am quite shocked at not inviting a partner at MIL request unless there was something criminal involved. Ithink your husband needs to be firm with mum and tell her how disappointed you are in her attitude to your daughter and you expect both children to be treated fairly. She either accepts that she puts up with her son inlaw at the do or if she can't then that's her choice not to be there. Whatever happened to people showing restraint, social nicities and mutual respect whatever your personal likes and dislikes.

In your mad MILs defence it is more common for the woman's mother to be closer to the uprearing etc of a daughter's children. If you are mother of son's its more difficult to get involved without seeming that you are interfering or suggesting stuff. I think your paetner needs to tell her in foot high capital letters about why you made the decision and actually it stems from her behaviour. She will either have a massive huff or consider and change her ways by moderating her behaviour.
Have a happy day

SanityClause Sun 14-Apr-13 13:31:19

It sounds like your DH has always been second best with his mother. My DH had this all his life, as well. He is an only child, but was always compared unfavourably to his cousins.

Your DH to be needs to understand that this will always be the case, even if DNephew is not around. She uses this as a tactic to keep him under her thumb, constantly seeking her approval. He will never get it.

So, while I respect your decision to have a child free wedding - that's entirely your choice - just failing to invite DNephew is not going to give your DH the attention that he has always missed out on from his mother.

WishIdbeenatigermum Sun 14-Apr-13 13:32:23

gail that sounds all kinds of crazy- poor you!

DontmindifIdo Sun 14-Apr-13 13:41:11

actually, agree with SanityClause - your MIL will still make the wedding all about her DD and her DGS, it will be lots of loud "oh DD, isn't it terrible your DS isn't here? It's so awful of DS not to invite him." instead of parading her grandson around the relatives, she'll spend the day loudly bending their ear about how heart broken she is that he's not there and how she'll never forgive you. It will still be all about her relationship with DN.

I really, really think the best way to take the wind out of hear sails is to invite your SIL's whole family, her DH and DS as well as her.

It's not fair that your MIL gets to decide that you won't have a relationship with your BIL.

ArtemisatBrauron Sun 14-Apr-13 13:42:09

I think it's a bit ridiculous to say that they should allow all children just because their own child is there - of course their own child is going to be there and in no way does that oblige them to invite other people's children!

MintyyAeroEgg Sun 14-Apr-13 13:47:14

I think she has a slightly ott way of expressing her disappointment that your wedding is not going to be a family occasion, which she probably took for granted a wee bit.

She is upset, and so are you. It would be lovely if you can find a way round this, rather than drive a wedge between you. Please try and talk to her when you are both calmer.

exoticfruits Sun 14-Apr-13 13:52:29

As a possible future MIL I would only be too pleased if they had a small, quiet wedding! Just calmly stand your ground.

HollyBerryBush Sun 14-Apr-13 13:54:17

Can I just say it all sounds peculiar to me!

You've invited DHs sister, but DH doesn't get on with her, but not invited her husband because MIL doesn't like him?

Aunty wants to bring a child and not her husband - which begs the question how the invitations were addressed

All I can say is, do come back and tell us what Christmas is like in your house grin.

Although reading up and through replies, all I'm seeing is I I I about bride - doesn't appear to be much in the way of we or our amongst wedding days.

badguider Sun 14-Apr-13 13:58:53

Actually nobody has said whether SIL wants to bring her baby. It's mil who wants him there maybe SIL is happy to leave him with his dad.

OrangeLily Sun 14-Apr-13 14:02:56

I do understand where you are coming from and the majority of children were excluded from our wedding bar one bridesmaid and a tiny baby (both close family). Thankfully no-one else who was close had small children.

However, having been in the receiving end of this kind of treatment it's very hard and upsetting. Rightly or wrongly it does create a divide where you have drawn a line. I can see why MIL is upset and I think it would be possible for you to try to understand if you have your own baby.

However, Congratulations. Hope you have a happy marriage.

WireCatWhore Sun 14-Apr-13 14:07:07

Why doesn't she get on with your nephews father?

Alwaysreadingonthetrain Sun 14-Apr-13 14:10:22

I'm a MIL, and it seems to me that MILS have a very rough time on MN. They can't do or say anything that's acceptable. They must feel that they're walking on eggshells all the time with their son's partner, who'll be watching to find fault with everything. I always think if it was the complaining OPs mother who behaved similarly it would be seen in a different light. Maybe remember that if it wasn't for the MIL you wouldn't have your husband/bf.

DeckSwabber Sun 14-Apr-13 14:13:12

One reason we didn't want nephew there is because of how MIL would try to take over with parading him around the relatives etc and DH felt her focus should be on him for a change! (fair point I thought!)

I'm sorry but that is not a good reason not to invite your nephew. He's your nephew, and you child's cousin. Weddings are fab for bringing people together, but by not inviting him you are at risk of driving a wedge between members your family and that sort of damage is not easily undone.

So what if MiL shows him off? Its still your day. As another poster has said, you run more risk of ruining the day if you give you MiL ammunition to go round saying you excluded nephew. And if you invite BiL you will have shown you are not giving in to anyone.

MintyyAeroEgg Sun 14-Apr-13 14:16:41

My problem with all this is not so much that you want to do your own thing and feel that Mil just has to accept your slightly unconventional wedding plans, but that you seem arsey that she is upset/disappointed. Surely you can see why she might be?

fluffyraggies Sun 14-Apr-13 14:32:06

Under the circumstances OP i am really surprised you have agreed to not invite your BIL to be.

(meaning your fiance's sister's husband)

What a perfect opportunity to piss off your MIL show that this is your day, not her's. I would have thought that inviting him would have been a better way to show this than dig your heels in over the nephew thing.

With regards to the nephew being left out of the day ... you said he would have adequate care as his father wasn't going to the wedding. He cant be EBF then ..... just thinking.

If letting ''just one baby'' to the wedding is going to make things a bit tricky about other uninvited children turning up then it's not that simple and it isn't 'just one baby'' anymore.

I had babies in arms and young children at my TINY wedding, and quite honestly i was so wrapped up in DH and our own happy bubble that i honestly can't remember if they behaved, where they were half the time, who showed them off, who did the care for them or how much attention they took up or anything. I drifted about in my lovely dress with my lovely new DH in a hazy of gringringrin

And that's how it will be for you too hopefully flowers

gail734 Sun 14-Apr-13 14:35:51

Babies don't enjoy weddings, won't remember them and frequently make a right pain of themselves (crying through the vows, squealing, playing in the aisle - seen it all). Just saying. New parents think everyone wants to get a look at the golden child. They don't. To the childless, all babies pretty much look the same. They're saying, "How cute!" They're thinking, "You used to be fun. Now you think everyone is as obsessed with your infant as you are."

Cerisier Sun 14-Apr-13 14:48:40

My view is that whoever is paying gets a bit of a say ie has the right to negotiate with the B&G over guests.

If the B&G are paying for everything then the whole thing is down to them.

So who is paying OP?

gail734 Sun 14-Apr-13 14:56:58

I've already suggested my DD as my SIL's flower girl. I said that she might not be steady enough on her little toddler feet to make it down the aisle, so the bride might consider carrying her down the aisle, instead of a bouquet? Or maybe she could just push her in the buggy? The look on her face as she tried to work out if I was serious was priceless.

thegreylady Sun 14-Apr-13 15:06:28

I would invite the child if he is a baby if only because that would shut your mil up and stop her from ruining your day.If she is parading round with her dgs then she isn't badgering you.
That is,however, the only concession I would make [unless you invite baby's dad too and let mil decide to stay away].
I am a mil and never thought my son's wedding was about me at all.I was asked for a list of 30 people I would like to invite and bride's dm got the same.Then ds and ddil had 40 invites for friends and colleagues.It worked out fine.

toffeelolly Sun 14-Apr-13 15:09:41

Well done and well said your wedding your say , do it your way and do not let her spoil it for you. By the way i had something of the same problem and that's why we went abroad to get married.

Fudgemallowdelight Sun 14-Apr-13 15:36:43

Good point Cerisier. He who pays the piper calls the tune. I assume your inlaws aren't contributing to the costs of the wedding OP? Perhaps your MIL's wedding was paid for by her parents?

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