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AIBU?

DP working hours and arrangement!!!

31 replies

Lj8893 · 13/04/2013 22:27

This is quite a long post I apologise!

I am 12 weeks pregnant, me and dp live in a town (we moved here for work purposes) where asides from my work colleagues I have no contacts here.

DP was unhappy in his job (2 mins down the road) and his mum offered for him to come and work for her, the plan was for him to be working in a location ( location A) where he was able to get a train there and back, he works long hours but would be able to make the last train at 10.30pm.

We both agreed this was a sensible idea, espessially since we were hoping to move back to this location A ( (my home town) when I start maternity leave.

Circumstances changed and he ended up working for her in a different location (B) which is closer but not with easy public transport. He gets a bus there every day and his mum gives him a lift home. He's rarely home before 10pm but I can cope with that.

However, soon after starting they came to an arrangement that as there is no bus on Sundays he would stay over Saturday nights. I wasent particully happy about this but what could I do, he needs to work!

Several other evenings, he has rang me to say that they are really busy and he was going to have to stay over. Or he has agreed to an early shift so staying over the night before.

Pretty much every week since he has started with her he has probably stayed here in our home, 4 nights a week at most. (Not consecutive)

I'm already very hormonal and emotional and this is just making me so lonely and down and upset. When he's not here I am crying myself to sleep.

I finally told him all this last night on the phone, after yet another time he has rang to say he has to stay. And although supportive and in agreement with me, there was no suggestions or offers of compromise.

It's his birthday tomorrow so after work tonight I am assuming they are having a bit of a night out, him, his mum and sisters but he hasent actually told me this as such. I know its his birthday and unfair of me to be selfish, but I do feel like "ah great, so I'm here sat at home alone crying again and he's out drinking and having fun"

He will also be having a massive night out next weekend for his sisters birthday, so yet another night of me feeling like this.

Am I being a complete selfish hormonal bitch or not?

OP posts:

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mumofweeboys · 13/04/2013 22:37

Its natural that u feel like this, your lonely and not seeing much of dp.

Is there a reason u cant go out for his sisters birthday too?

If this is short term, could u not take early maternity and move back to home town?

LilyAmaryllis · 13/04/2013 22:39

No this doesn't sound any fun. Are you still planning to move back to location A? How will that affect DP's work?

Lj8893 · 13/04/2013 22:41

I am working all next weekend so no way of me getting there/back and also its clubbing and i would rather not be pushed and shoved around! Plus I'm so tired at the moment I would be ready for bed once we got out!

That is the plan, although I have over 3 months till I can take maternity! And don't know if the job situation will change even then, where he's working now is even harder to get to from my home town than where we are now!

OP posts:

Apileofballyhoo · 13/04/2013 22:42

Seems pretty unfair to me tbh, he should try and do shifts that mean he can come home. I assume he wouldn't have taken the job if you had known it was going to mean 3 nights away every week?

Lj8893 · 13/04/2013 22:43

No way, i would have never supported that decision if I had known this would happen!

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HorryIsUpduffed · 13/04/2013 22:45

That sounds like a normal reaction at 12w pg.

Many areas have NCT antenatal groups (sometimes called "Bumps and Babies") which might help you to make local friends with people in a similar situation. They won't mind at all that you are likely to be moving in six months' time, because you need support now!

Have you told him how you feel? That is, on a calm day, calmly?

Lj8893 · 13/04/2013 22:54

Thanks I will look into joining a group, although its the evenings and nights that are the loneliest as i am at work during the day.

I have tried to talk to him calmly but he doesn't understand why i can't understand why something can't be done about him staying away so much. He just sees it as a necessity for work and our income, which yes it is, but I'm sure there can be some solution or compromise!

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AgentZigzag · 13/04/2013 22:55

It's good that he was supportive and didn't try to make you feel as though you were being unreasonable when you told him, could he not have come up with a compromise because it's the first he'd thought of it? Especially if the number of days he stays has crept up gradually without him thinking about the impact on you very much?

Could you come up with something that'd make you feel a bit better then talk to him about it again?

It does seem very isolating for you, they're all over there getting pissed up and having a right old time, leaving you one man down and feeling left out. I mean, he's regressing into student behaviour isn't he? Why doesn't he want to spend time with his family is what you must be asking yourself.

AgentZigzag · 13/04/2013 22:58

X-posts, 'I have tried to talk to him calmly but he doesn't understand why i can't understand why something can't be done about him staying away so much. He just sees it as a necessity for work and our income'

This doesn't sound very supportive to me.

HorryIsUpduffed · 13/04/2013 23:00

Our bumps events tend to be evenings with cake and fizzy pop - because many of our bumps work during the day, and those that don't tend to have small children they don't want to have to bring with them.

Well worth a try - and you might be in my area and end up in my front room

Lj8893 · 13/04/2013 23:00

Thanks agent, that's summed up what I'm feeling! I am starting to feel that I am single, being pregnant on my own and that I am going to be a single mum if this carrys on after our baby is born.

He does know the impact it has on me, I have always hated (almost feared!) being alone at night, even before I was pregnant!

OP posts:

Lj8893 · 13/04/2013 23:01

Thanks horry that sounds perfect!

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 13/04/2013 23:09

It's like he's withdrawing.

He knows you're at home taking care of everything and he's being an arse by taking advantage to go out on the lash.

What's he like when he's at home getting involved in stuff?

cricketballs · 13/04/2013 23:09

Whilst I understand that you are hormonal; you need to become more independent. There are many, many women whose DH work away; many for moths at a time and we all cope because you have to. Your dp has a job that he enjoys, he's stopping somewhere comfortable and that you are familiar with, which many of us don't have that luxury so think to the positives

seriouscakeeater · 13/04/2013 23:14

Op I'm 37 weeks and my DH doesn't get in till 8.30-9ish every night and that gets me fed up so god knows how your feeling!

The fact he is staying out a lot while your on your own isn't great, you need to go back to the drawing board and come up with a new solution that works for you both .

Tell him its upsetting you and you need to feel relaxed at this stage, not left alone half the week crying at night.

When he is going out while he is supposed to be there for work issues only would really piss me off. Put your foot down hun, his family should be supporting you too, whats he gonna do when baby is here??

HorryIsUpduffed · 13/04/2013 23:15

Mm, I do agree with cricketballs though - I am also pg and DH is currently 4500 miles away. It is shitty but it is the situation you are in and you do have to suck it up to a certain extent.

Finding things to do other than sitting at home feeling frightened and sad is the way forward. Asking him to come home whenever he can - rather than complaining that he sometimes can't - is a positive request.

Lj8893 · 13/04/2013 23:19

I don't complain at him not coming home, the last thing I want to do is nag or moan at him!

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CloudsAndTrees · 13/04/2013 23:24

Can one of you learn to drive so that you aren't so reliant on lifts from other people or public transport?

Lj8893 · 13/04/2013 23:28

I do drive, but don't have a car, I scrapped mine a while ago as was never using it and it was very unlikely to pass mot! I can't afford I buy another one at the moment, and run it etc. I have pressed dp into learning to drive and he insists he will, although due to money it will of course take us a while to afford it, I am planning to get a car once baby is here though, and hopefully that will inspire him to learn to drive!

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coppertop · 13/04/2013 23:38

You're not being selfish at all.

You're supposed to be in a partnership but every time you've agreed to something, those goalposts have been moved again and again.

You agreed to your dp working in location A. This was then changed to location B.

You said that this was okay as dp's mum would bring him home each night. He started staying over on Saturday nights.

You agreed to the Saturday nights but now it's 3+ nights a week.

I think it's time for a face-to-face discussion. Work is important but so is his relationship with you.

I wonder whether he would have been as understanding if you were the one staying away from home this much when you had the option of coming home.

AgentZigzag · 13/04/2013 23:46

Staying out up to four times a week is much more than just he sometimes can't make it back, Horry.

And as awful as it is having your DH being 4500 miles away, the OP's situation is different because he can, with a bit of effort, make it home if he chose to.

It must hurt to know that.

seriouscakeeater · 13/04/2013 23:52

I agree with coppertop and agentzigzag

Its not about getting on with it, its a totally different situation.

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WhereYouLeftIt · 13/04/2013 23:54

Lj8893, how well do you get on with your DP's family? Because surely they can use some common sense and see that this arrangement is going to put a strain on your relationship? I'm a tad suspicious of their part in this.

Lj8893 · 14/04/2013 00:06

I get on very well with his family, however they just arnt the sort of people to think about it. I doubt it has crossed thier mind, and if it has and do has told them I'm fine then they wouldn't have thought anymore about It.
DP mum has said many times for me to go and stay there when he has to, however I very often have work and by the time I've finished/start there is no public transport, aside from 2 trains taking me just under 2 hrs! And also while dp is working I would be on my own with nothing to do! At least here I have tv, housework etc.

OP posts:

seriouscakeeater · 14/04/2013 00:13

can you both not focus on getting a car so you could pick him up?

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