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AIBU?

to walk away from the father of one of my children?

37 replies

BeyondDespair · 13/04/2013 22:11

Sorry this is so long. I met him nearly 3 years ago, and didn't realise that he was already in a relationship with someone else. He moved in with me, with me still not realising that he was with someone else. It was only when I found a luggage label on one of his suitcases with the name of this woman's son on it, that it all came out. It also transpired that he was 120k in debt as a result of debts from exiting his marriage (divorce), and also vast amounts spent on the woman that he had been two timing me with (designer clothes, shoes, bags, expensive holidays, car, lump sum payments).

I finished with him, but he made concerted efforts to get back with me, and finally proposed 9 months later. The marriage never occurred, despite visits to meet the Vicar. He puts this down to me continually bringing up the commitment issue with him (marriage and house) which always results in an argument and him moving out.

He moved back in with me following his proposal and promised to pay the rent on my property (he is a very high earner, and I was and still am a single parent - then with only one child and studying full time, now with two and not studying or working). The rent money never arrived, and he kept walking in and out of the property (clearing all his stuff out) every time we had an argument. Rapidly followed by declarations of love and desperate attempts to get back with me. During one of his 'clear outs' I found that I was in the very early stages of pregnancy and contacted him. He was desperate for me to continue with the pregnancy and we moved to a larger rental property which he agreed to pay the rent on.

He then became embroiled in a major court case with his ex wife - she wanted to increase her already very significant maintenance payments on discovering that I was pregnant (and despite him having taken a salary reduction in a new job following redundancy.) She was seeking a maintenance increase from £4000 per month to £5700 per month. This would make it impossible for us to exist financially, given that he already had debt repayments to make. Despite this, he offered to (and did) pay her legal fees. I asked him why he had done this, particularly when he owed me months of rent that he had previously agreed to pay, and he just brushed aside my comments and said that he would have been made to pay them if he hadn't offered. We were also apparently going through on a house purchase, and he used the money that had been set aside for the Stamp Duty to pay her legal fees. The house purchase fell through.

The situation deteriorated between us, to such an extent that he would get drunk and become highly abusive to me in the final stages of my pregnancy, and I moved out with my daughter to another property.

He then made concerted attempts to reunite with me, stating that he was fighting his ex to make sure that there was more money for us for the future etc. I was so ill at the end of the pregnancy that I didn't know whether I was coming or going, and in the end I relented and let him stay shortly before the birth and for some weeks afterwards. The whole situation became surreal. The day after the birth, when I was still in hospital, he disappeared and could not be contacted. I was in a lot of pain and bleeding and kept emailing, texting and ringing him from my hospital bed. I couldn't get hold of him. When he finally arrived late in the day, he said that he had had to go to the bank because some money had been mistakenly withdrawn from his account?? He did not take any paternity leave and a few days later, my midwife readmitted me to hospital with complications. He did not visit me in hospital (I was able to keep the baby with me in my hospital room). When I returned home by taxi, he walked past me in the hall, pecked me on the cheek and walked out saying nothing.

It then transpired that his ex wife had contacted my midwife to find out advance details of my impending birth (I was advised of this by the hospital), and had also found out the name of my eldest daughter to quote in her legal papers to him. He didn't seem shocked or worried by this and just shrugged it off. I then received an email from her in which she had openly abused both of my children in an email to him and forwarded it on to me. Again, he did nothing about this.

I made very clear to him that if he wanted to continue in a relationship with me, he needed to defend my children and me against her abuse, and that we needed to buy a home (we had been/I am in very cramped and expensive rental accommodation with the baby and my older child), and that this was his last chance to save the relationship. He promptly went out and viewed another house that I had seen, made enquiries about a mortgage and then let the situation ride. The house went under offer with someone else. He also admitted that he had said nothing to her about the abuse directed at my children. I told him that the relationship was over.

Financially, he has not paid me any maintenance for his newborn daughter, nor towards my rent etc. However, he has maintained payments of £4000 per month for his other two children with his ex wife. The CSA are involved, but are characteristically slow and messing up.

He says he is now staying with family and in hotels. When he walked out a few weeks ago, he immediately deleted me from his Facebook and went on a walking holiday. I shrugged off the Facebook deletion, but then for some reason, checked his timeline some days after. Why, I don't know, because usually he doesn't post on there and has very few friends on there. There was a recently added female, who lives in his hometown (where he says he is now staying with family). I know that it could be anyone, and entirely innocent, but given his behaviour over the past few months, just have a horrible feeling that it is not entirely innocent.

Does anyone have any views on all of this? I know I've been a complete and utter idiot taking him back time and time again, but the situation is now complicated by the fact that I now have his child - of only a few weeks old.

I've just sat down and cried for the first time tonight and realised what a complete and utter idiot he's taken me for. But I can't see a way forward or what to do. It feels like hell to be honest.

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LaurieFairyCake · 13/04/2013 22:14

Better late than never have you realised that's he's useless.

Drop him. There's no money so there's no point in chasing him. Never see him again, enjoy your child.