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to walk away from the father of one of my children?

(38 Posts)
BeyondDespair Sat 13-Apr-13 22:11:33

Sorry this is so long. I met him nearly 3 years ago, and didn't realise that he was already in a relationship with someone else. He moved in with me, with me still not realising that he was with someone else. It was only when I found a luggage label on one of his suitcases with the name of this woman's son on it, that it all came out. It also transpired that he was 120k in debt as a result of debts from exiting his marriage (divorce), and also vast amounts spent on the woman that he had been two timing me with (designer clothes, shoes, bags, expensive holidays, car, lump sum payments).

I finished with him, but he made concerted efforts to get back with me, and finally proposed 9 months later. The marriage never occurred, despite visits to meet the Vicar. He puts this down to me continually bringing up the commitment issue with him (marriage and house) which always results in an argument and him moving out.

He moved back in with me following his proposal and promised to pay the rent on my property (he is a very high earner, and I was and still am a single parent - then with only one child and studying full time, now with two and not studying or working). The rent money never arrived, and he kept walking in and out of the property (clearing all his stuff out) every time we had an argument. Rapidly followed by declarations of love and desperate attempts to get back with me. During one of his 'clear outs' I found that I was in the very early stages of pregnancy and contacted him. He was desperate for me to continue with the pregnancy and we moved to a larger rental property which he agreed to pay the rent on.

He then became embroiled in a major court case with his ex wife - she wanted to increase her already very significant maintenance payments on discovering that I was pregnant (and despite him having taken a salary reduction in a new job following redundancy.) She was seeking a maintenance increase from £4000 per month to £5700 per month. This would make it impossible for us to exist financially, given that he already had debt repayments to make. Despite this, he offered to (and did) pay her legal fees. I asked him why he had done this, particularly when he owed me months of rent that he had previously agreed to pay, and he just brushed aside my comments and said that he would have been made to pay them if he hadn't offered. We were also apparently going through on a house purchase, and he used the money that had been set aside for the Stamp Duty to pay her legal fees. The house purchase fell through.

The situation deteriorated between us, to such an extent that he would get drunk and become highly abusive to me in the final stages of my pregnancy, and I moved out with my daughter to another property.

He then made concerted attempts to reunite with me, stating that he was fighting his ex to make sure that there was more money for us for the future etc. I was so ill at the end of the pregnancy that I didn't know whether I was coming or going, and in the end I relented and let him stay shortly before the birth and for some weeks afterwards. The whole situation became surreal. The day after the birth, when I was still in hospital, he disappeared and could not be contacted. I was in a lot of pain and bleeding and kept emailing, texting and ringing him from my hospital bed. I couldn't get hold of him. When he finally arrived late in the day, he said that he had had to go to the bank because some money had been mistakenly withdrawn from his account?? He did not take any paternity leave and a few days later, my midwife readmitted me to hospital with complications. He did not visit me in hospital (I was able to keep the baby with me in my hospital room). When I returned home by taxi, he walked past me in the hall, pecked me on the cheek and walked out saying nothing.

It then transpired that his ex wife had contacted my midwife to find out advance details of my impending birth (I was advised of this by the hospital), and had also found out the name of my eldest daughter to quote in her legal papers to him. He didn't seem shocked or worried by this and just shrugged it off. I then received an email from her in which she had openly abused both of my children in an email to him and forwarded it on to me. Again, he did nothing about this.

I made very clear to him that if he wanted to continue in a relationship with me, he needed to defend my children and me against her abuse, and that we needed to buy a home (we had been/I am in very cramped and expensive rental accommodation with the baby and my older child), and that this was his last chance to save the relationship. He promptly went out and viewed another house that I had seen, made enquiries about a mortgage and then let the situation ride. The house went under offer with someone else. He also admitted that he had said nothing to her about the abuse directed at my children. I told him that the relationship was over.

Financially, he has not paid me any maintenance for his newborn daughter, nor towards my rent etc. However, he has maintained payments of £4000 per month for his other two children with his ex wife. The CSA are involved, but are characteristically slow and messing up.

He says he is now staying with family and in hotels. When he walked out a few weeks ago, he immediately deleted me from his Facebook and went on a walking holiday. I shrugged off the Facebook deletion, but then for some reason, checked his timeline some days after. Why, I don't know, because usually he doesn't post on there and has very few friends on there. There was a recently added female, who lives in his hometown (where he says he is now staying with family). I know that it could be anyone, and entirely innocent, but given his behaviour over the past few months, just have a horrible feeling that it is not entirely innocent.

Does anyone have any views on all of this? I know I've been a complete and utter idiot taking him back time and time again, but the situation is now complicated by the fact that I now have his child - of only a few weeks old.

I've just sat down and cried for the first time tonight and realised what a complete and utter idiot he's taken me for. But I can't see a way forward or what to do. It feels like hell to be honest.

LaurieFairyCake Sat 13-Apr-13 22:14:41

Better late than never have you realised that's he's useless.

Drop him. There's no money so there's no point in chasing him. Never see him again, enjoy your child.

MaryRobinson Sat 13-Apr-13 22:16:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Finola1step Sat 13-Apr-13 22:21:57

Hi BD. Am at a loss for advice but did not want to read and run. I think that the most important thing is that you know that this can't go on, don't you? He will never come through for you and all his promises are empty ones.

You could have this thread moved to relationships as you will receive loads of support and advice there. And no, YANBU. He gives you no choice. Keep posting.

joanofarchitrave Sat 13-Apr-13 22:25:21

You need to forget him asap.

Maybe start another thread purely about your financial situation? It sounds as if that is what you need to focus on now.

Hissy Sat 13-Apr-13 22:26:20

Don't walk.


This guy NEVER had your back. He only cares about his image.

Apileofballyhoo Sat 13-Apr-13 22:33:26

So sorry this has happened to you. Best to get out now rather than years and years of this carry on.

raspberryroop Sat 13-Apr-13 22:39:26

If you don't realise he's a fucktard by now - what exactly would make you realise?

BeyondDespair Sat 13-Apr-13 22:45:41

I do realise what he is. I'm just in utter despair at where I am now. I think its only now things are settling down slightly after the pregnancy and birth (health wise), that I've started to see clearly.

OnTheNingNangNong Sat 13-Apr-13 22:47:55

Make plans for you and your children. Keep contact with the CSA and keep him at arms length and only contact him for access via email/text.

Fluffymonster Sat 13-Apr-13 22:48:22

Hi - he sounds like a complete and utter loser, spending lavishly when it suits him to impress (like on his mistress that he two-timed you with), but for some reason feels it's OK not to contribute to maintenance for his daughter, or towards rent.

The marriage and house thing just sounds like a carrot that was dangled in front of you to keep you hanging on in the hope things were changing, but he had no intention of going through. He seems to go from one relationship to the next, using the women he is with as a convenient 'bolthole'. The ex wife sounds either incredibly embittered or a bit stalkery as well, maybe both. Perhaps the less you have to do with either of them the better.

Even though it may seem hard, right now, with a new baby in tow, you can get through this, and life will be so much better if you can stay strong. Just think, if he carries on the way he has been doing, how awful life will be in another 3yrs - consider it an escape from further emotional turmoil, financial trouble, lies, and heartache for you and your kids.

seriouscakeeater Sat 13-Apr-13 22:53:09

HI Op, didn't want to read and run! Try and get this thread moved to relationships as there will be some great advice along soon.

You situation sounds terrible sad flowers
I would go see a solicitor and see where you stand finically and hopefully he will be as forth coming with monetary help as he is to his ex wife.

Try not to look at his facebook as you will only tie your self up in knots thinking about things you don't really know for sure are happening.

Be glad he is out of your life op and enjoy your two children, he sounds really damaging and you don't want or need him around your dcs.

good luck hun! x

BeyondDespair Sat 13-Apr-13 23:05:20

Just don't know what to do now. I feel trapped by him, even though he's not here anymore. He usually starts bombarding me with texts, emails and flowers. I've told him that I don't want any flowers from him and that I'm changing my phone number, so there's no point contacting me. He said he wouldn't, but then later started texting me about the baby saying goodnight etc.

joanofarchitrave Sat 13-Apr-13 23:07:31

Switch your phone off until you change your number. Ignore the flowers etc, don't respond or tell him anything.

Where are you with money? Are you coping day-to-day?

b4bunnies Sat 13-Apr-13 23:11:03

change your phone number asap. change your locks or get bolts on your doors so he can't get in. do you have any evidence of his earnings? get some child support sorted out, if you haven't already.
don't check his facebook or any other aspect of his life - you and your children will be so much better off if you never think of him at all.
he's taken advantage of you but now you're putting a stop to it. good.

BeyondDespair Sat 13-Apr-13 23:11:30

I am keeping my phone switched off, but just checking it every few hours for messages from other people! I'm not even opening his texts, as I know that his phone (IPhone) acknowledges when a message has been read etc.

Financially, I'm waiting for the CSA to sort out the mess, but am also going to make a court application as I can see this dragging on for a while. He keeps saying that he is going to pay me something in the meantime, but predictably nothing has arrived.

AllOverIt Sat 13-Apr-13 23:19:30

You've done the best thing by finishing it. Your life will be immeasurably better without him involved. Let the CSA deal with the financial side and then try and see a family solicitor for a free half hour consultation to see where you stand.

You and your kids deserve better.

Good luck.

KobayashiMaru Sat 13-Apr-13 23:46:17

He couldnt have been more obviously a terrible catch if he had whacked you round the face with a sign saying " Im a total twat". Seriously, what were you thinking? Dont speak to him again, and get some counselling.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 14-Apr-13 00:53:18

It sounds very much like he has already walked away from you.

Double lock the door behind him.

KatyTheCleaningLady Sun 14-Apr-13 07:51:00

Will csa even get any money from him?

Perhaps you should pretend he's dead and move forward under the assumption that he will never give you anything.

I mean, let csa do their thing so that he's not off the hook entirely, but it seems to me that he uses money to manipulate you.

HollyBerryBush Sun 14-Apr-13 07:59:16

It then transpired that his ex wife had contacted my midwife to find out advance details of my impending birth (I was advised of this by the hospital), and had also found out the name of my eldest daughter to quote in her legal papers to him

What are you doing about this breach of data protection/security?

And how would your daughter figure in his ex wifes legal documents?

Branleuse Sun 14-Apr-13 08:00:56

he sounds like he thinks you and his ex wife and children are situations to be managed rather than people with rights and feelings. escape now

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Sun 14-Apr-13 08:34:51

He is not worth your time. Leave him and concentrate on your beautiful children.

His ex wife sounds like a bitter, jealous and horrible person. She use your pregnancy as a reason to want her money to go up (not that she actually needed it to go up! What child needs £5700 to live on?? Do they live in a castle or something??) She also had absolutely NO RIGHT contacting the midwife. Who the hell does she think she is? She is nothing to you so these details are none of business. She sounds a bit paranoid and obsessed with you and your children. And the email with abuse towards your children... well, wouldn't expect anything less of an ex wife like that.


BeyondDespair Sun 14-Apr-13 18:57:06

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass and HollyBerryBush
The police are currently dealing with the matters regarding his ex wife. She referenced my eldest daughter's name in her legal papers in her claim for a maintenance increase from 4000k to 5700k per month. She wanted to know what Child Benefit and Maintenance I received for my eldest daughter, as one of the factors to take into account in arguing for an increase in her maintenance payments from 4000k to 5700k. I actually qualify for milk tokens now due to my lack of income!

She drives a brand new Jaguar, lives in a 6 bed house, children are in private school and they holiday on yachts.

I was absolutely gobsmacked by the request, and stunned that she had sourced my eldest daughter's full name.

poglol Sun 14-Apr-13 19:07:50

You need to get out. What will you miss? Yes, your baby will grow up without its dad, but from the sound of this man, he's not going to bring stability into the child's life, and that will be worse IMO.

The ex wife is acting in her own interests of course, but imagine what she must have been through, i bet this guy hasn't treated her any better.

Stay strong. Don't do facebook. YANBU.

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