To think SIL is a pregzilla?

[Iheartcows]

My SIL is 6 months pg with her 2nd baby.
She is also obese.
She struggled with day to day things (couldn't walk very far, struggled to bend down etc) before becoming pg so I have no idea why she thought becoming pg would be easy.
During her first pg she was constantly tired, she phoned in sick to work often, she asked anyone she could to do her housework for her and would get my DB to come home on his lunch break to carry out some minor task. (he's a very soft touch)

Despite them living in a tiny house and the constant moaning about lack of space they decided they just had to have another baby. She has made no attempt to lose weight despite her admitting that the reason she struggled so much the first time was due to her weight. She struggles already to look after her toddler and relies on my DM a lot. She complains that her DD is such hard work when I think she's a very easy child, she hands over all childcare to my DB as soon as he gets in from work and takes herself off to bed.

This pregnancy is of course the toughest in the history of pregnancies. She has never been so tired, she's in constant pain, she takes days of work without telling my DM so she still looks after her DD for the day. She gets my (disabled btw) DB to pick everything up for her. She's even asked my DS to pick up her DD's dirty nappy that was at her feet!
Being around her is very difficult, seeing my DB with her is difficult as he is so soft with her and she is walking all over him and taking advantage of my DM's babysitting. She even mentioned moving close to me because it would be nice to have 'someone close by to help with the baby'
She doesn't seem to want to take any responsibility for her DC's but just loves the attention being pg gives her. Yet she believes that she's a great mum and looks down her nose and tuts at my DS's if they are too loud or playful.

This makes me sound like such a bitch but her behaviour is making it very difficult to spend any time around her, and my DM is getting upset about being taken advantage of

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

Well, your mum has the option to say no. If she chooses to not do that, can she really complain that she is taken advantage of?

And if your sister in law is difficult to be around - withdraw.

People only have as much power and control as you allow them to have

I know that's easy to say but it's not so easy to do. But it really is about choices.

[Iheartcows]

I don't see as much of them as I used to which is upsetting because I love my DB and DN but there's never an option to see them without SIL being there.
This is the same for my DM really. She agreed to look after her GD because she knew that if she didn't she wouldn't see her for months on end and would miss out on her growing up.

[mybelovedmonster]

You seem to be making this more about her obesity, rather than her lack of responsibility.

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

Then the best thing she can do is change the way she looks at it. Change it from her seeing it as her being taken advantage of to her choosing to agree to look after her because she gets so much pleasure from being a big part of her life and being able to make a difference to the child.

Do you really feel like you can't bear to be in her company even so you can see your brother and niece? She's that bad? Is it just about her physical limitations and requests for help or is she too horrible as a person?

[hermioneweasley]

If your DM isn't happy she can say something. Your brother is also a grown up and can make his own choices. It must be hard to see them in a situation where you feel they're being taken advantage of, but if you believe they are not happy, all you can do is be there for them if they want to make different choices.

[Iheartcows]

Oh lord no not at all. The obesity is only mentioned because as she herself admitted, that was why she has had difficult pregnancies. But she then wants everyone else to help her when I've known other overweight mothers who are perfectly capable of getting on with things.

[Flossiechops]

I agree with the others, your db and mother could say no. She sounds spoilt. Obesity aside she sounds lazy but your family are enabling her to be that way.

[Iheartcows]

She's not very nice to my DC's either. Tutting at them if they play or laugh loudly and even telling them off herself. She asks them to tidy up after her DD rather than doing it herself. My DC's behave different around her because they can sense her hostility towards them. It's such a shame because they were very close to my DB.

[WorraLiberty]

Both your SIL and DB are selfish if they actively tried to conceive a baby while the mother is obese.

That alone shows they have little thought of anyone other than themselves

Actually I say 'themselves' but the risk to the mother is as bad as the risk to the baby, except the baby has no bloody say in it.

[Guitargirl]

If she is finding pregnancy that difficult then am sure she would like the chance to have a rest while you see your DB and DN on your own?

The fact that she phones in sick to work is not your problem to worry about - unless you are her boss.

[MandragoraWurzelstock]

Erm, I'm in no way obese (bit underweight in fact before getting pregnant this time) and I found pregnancy very very debilitating.

It was hideous and I spent much of it unable to do anything. It was awful. Thankfully now I am not pregnant any more I can move again, bend down to pick things up, and sort out the house and garden without any help.

It was one of the worst times of my life. I'm glad I have ds3 though I won't be having any more as it wasn't fair on the others.

Your sil sounds like she needs to be made aware that her behaviour isn't acceptable - put limits onm the help you will give. Don't enable her if she is going to abuse people's kindness.

Perhaps one day the penny will drop and she'll start acting responsibly.

[MandragoraWurzelstock]

fwiw when I was pregnant, and in bed most of the time, I didn't ask other people to help - the house just disintegrated gradually for 9 months.

I did rely on my children to make their own sandwiches sometimes though. I wouldn't have dreamt of asking other people to come and do my work - I just did what I could manage and left the rest.

[mybelovedmonster]

"Both your SIL and DB are selfish if they actively tried to conceive a baby while the mother is obese."

Really Worra? I'm obese and pregnant, am I intrinsically selfish? FWIW I did lose about 20lb while TTC but are you suggesting that only people with a BMI under 30 should actively TTC?

[Softlysoftly]

Worra first time I've disagreed with you.obesity doesnt have to be debilitating, I'm on the cusp, have no restriction on my abilities/fitness and noone of the issues when pregnant

So should only people with perfect bmi, no disabilities, no medical conditions, nothing that could make pregnancy harder ttc?

[givemeaclue]

I don't think she is pregzilla, I think she is fat and lazy. Yanbu but thereis nothing you can do about it.

[MardyBra]

Really worra? Fat people shouldn't have kids?

[MardyBra]

You forgot ugly people softly.

[PeachActiviaMinge]

I'm obese and 39 weeks pregnant with a much wanted baby, no health problems through this pregnancy at all blood pressure has always been perfect blood sugars also perfect gained 4lb in total no SPD no real back pain. My midwife has commented that she wishes all her patients were as easy as I am with such excellent health.

There was a study released that shows that you it can be more damaging to be thin than fat and what matters is your overall fitness and health. I am incredibly healthy just fat with it.

OP's SIL could just as easily of suffered with SPD in her first pregnancy causing her issues with movement etc and then gone onto have another child knowing she'd suffer it again it doesn't make her selfish or irresponsible some people just find it easier than others its nothing to judge them for.

[usualsuspect]

Helping his pregnant wife to look after his house and his child does not make your DB a 'soft touch'. Why wouldn't he?

[diddl]

Well-they decided to have a baby, didn't they?

And if your Mum & brother can't say no-that's for themn to sort out.

As for your mum doing as she's told for fear of not seeing her GC-does SIL have the say over where the go & who they see then??

[mybelovedmonster]

I'm currently beached on the sofa, DP is doing absolutely everything at the moment because I feel so tired and grotty. I can drag myself to do small things but feel terrible afterwards so I've been instructed to sit down and not do anything. Just waiting for the SPD to kick in. That'll be just perfect.

Its bloody hard, this pregnancy lark.

[HappyMummyOfOne]

She sounds spoilt but if your brother abd mum enable this then she always will be.

I think its very selfish to have a child then expect others to be there to babysit or help out other than odd occassion. Becoming a paren comes with responsibilities, if she wants help then she should pay for it.

[purrpurr]

I have heard somewhere that being obese and pregnant is deemed at least as bad as smoking whilst pregnant.

Only obviously it's best not to say that out loud.

[usualsuspect]

It's not selfish to expect her DH to help her out.

I presume he had something to do with the pregnancy.


Your mum can always say no.