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To get cross about doing all the cleaning? DH is SAHD.

(88 Posts)
minibird69 Sat 13-Apr-13 12:11:27

We have "role reversal". This means I work, do all the DIY, house admin. DH does school runs, laundry, cooking and food shopping. But he does not do cleaning, so my weekends are spent catching up and sorting out the whole mess and nagging kids to tidy their rooms.

He does not work, but is trying to get a career off the ground as a stand up comedian. Three years in, no wage, but he loves it.

I would give up my job in a breath because I feel like I miss out on the drudgery of the school run and seeing my kids after school. But its just not feasible financially as he cant earn as much as I can. My dinner is ready when I get in from work, and my socks are paired (within a few weeks or so!). The kids are well looked after (i think they think he is one of them though!) AIBU to occasionally blow my top because I do all the cleaning?

noblegiraffe Sat 13-Apr-13 12:13:18

Why doesn't he do any cleaning?

Nagoo Sat 13-Apr-13 12:13:37

Yabu not to serve his bollocks to him on a plate.

What excuse does he offer up?

squeakytoy Sat 13-Apr-13 12:16:04

I love love love these threads.

If a woman posted that she was a sahm and her husband expected her to do the cleaning too, there would be outrage all round about how the entitled selfish bastard should get home from work and get on with his share..

A stay at home dad is clearly expected to do everything!

WorraLiberty Sat 13-Apr-13 12:16:09

I don't know really.

I've lost count of the amount of times SAHMs have said their DPs have blown their top because the house isn't clean enough and they're mainly told to either LTB, or that the cleaning should be split 50/50.

Then there's the 'why not get a cleaner' suggestion that normally pops up after a few posts.

WorraLiberty Sat 13-Apr-13 12:16:58

Snap squeaky

wankerchief Sat 13-Apr-13 12:18:41

Dh was the sahp for ds1 and i am with ds2

We doit as the one at home does about 80% of the chores, all the cooking in the week and we share on the weekends.
We would of both been pissed off we had to use our days off doing things the other should of managed

HappyMummyOfOne Sat 13-Apr-13 12:20:01

Spot on squeaky, was just about to say the same. SAHMs are told that they shouldnt be doing the housework as they are home for the children but when its a SAHD the answer is never the same.

FWIWs, the SAHP should do the housework etc as they are home and can schedule in during the day. Quite unfair to expect the other person to go out to work so you dot have to and then expect them to do the house stuff as well.

purplewithred Sat 13-Apr-13 12:20:28

Hmm. Let's reverse the sexes here. "I am a SAH Mum and i do all the school runs, laundry, cooking, shopping; DPs dinner is on the table when he gets in and he compliments me on how well I look after the kids. AIBU to expect him to do the cleaning at the weekends?"

It depends. I think you certainly should be doing some housework at the weekends, but whether that's ALL the cleaning I don't know. And are your cleaning standards the same - does he not do it because his standards are lower than yours?

SanityClause Sat 13-Apr-13 12:20:37

I know what you mean, OP.

He gets to do all the fun stuff, and you come home and have to be the grouchy one, telling them to tidy their rooms.

I think YANBU to want it to be a joint responsibility, at least.

I think you need to discuss with him which cleaning jobs he will do, which you will do, and which the children will do.

Or get a cleaner. wink

noblegiraffe Sat 13-Apr-13 12:21:30

It depends on if he has time to clean when he is at home and OP is at work and is instead choosing to sit on his bum. It also depends on what he is doing while OP is cleaning. If he has no time in the week and when she is cleaning is doing some other household task then that's fine.
If he's sat on his bum in the week and/or on his bum at weekends then that's not fair.

OxfordBags Sat 13-Apr-13 12:21:40

I am a SAHM and don't do all the housework. I am not a housewife. When DH is at home, his job is over, we are an equal partnership. If he did nothing when he got home, then that would mean that my job, as a SAHM, would be 24-7. It's the same for any other SAHP, male or female. I think it's fair that you do some cleaning. Would you really be happy if things were reversed and he went to work and when he came home, apart from a bit of admin, you had to do everything else? You know you would expect him to pitch in, so it's only fair that you do.

SAH does not mean 'unpaid skivvy that does everything around the house'. You sound quite patronising about him, as though he is not really doing much, or much important, and that he is just a big kid. We call men sexist who see their partner's SAH role as not doing anything much, and who expect to not do anything once they've finished work, so how come it's okay for a woman to be like that to a man?

However, if you mean he does ZERO cleaning and you come home to the sink piled full of dishes, every work surface covered in yuckiness and the house looking like something from a Channel 4 documentary about extreme hoarders, then ignore everything I've just said and put a rocket under him! If it's just a bit imperfect and untidy, then that's fair enough and you should pitch in, IMO.

cardibach Sat 13-Apr-13 12:21:57

I thought that, too, squeaky and Worra. YANBU to object to doing all the cleaning, YWBU to expect him to do it all. His job is looking after the kids, if he worked you would have to pay someone to do this and them you would share the house chores.

Flyonthewindscreen Sat 13-Apr-13 12:24:06

YANBU to expect your DH to do the majority of the cleaning and I would say the same if a SAHM posted with the same circumstances.

Inertia Sat 13-Apr-13 12:24:34

Same reply whether the SAHP is male or female - it depends on the age and needs of the children. If they are all at school it's reasonable for the SAHP to clean. If there are 5 DC under 5 , or children with a disability or additional needs, then it is not reasonable to expect the SAHP to prioritise cleaning ahead of dealing with the DC. There is no universal right answer.

ENormaSnob Sat 13-Apr-13 12:29:24


My answer is always the same regardless if it's a sah mum or dad.

I don't think YABU - I think you should contribute but not do it all.

My DH is a SAHD. We're slightly different in that I do most of the cooking and am also studying alongside work so my evenings aren't exactly free. In general though - him being at home is an alternative to him going to work and DD being in childcare. If this was the case, the kitchen would be in the same state as I left it in the morning, there would not be glitter/paint/toys scattered everywhere etc etc etc. So I kind of expect him to to do that sort of level of cleaning so that the "shared" cleaning is not increased by him being home all day.

He also does the laundry but that just makes sense to me - it's not very time consuming in terms of it takes 2 minutes to put it on, but it makes sense to do it during the day so we can get a load done and dried quicker (no tumble dryer here)

Hoovering, washing dinner dishes, making dinner, cleaning bathrooms, keeping our room tidy etc would exist as tasks regardless so they don't all become his job just because he's home.

In reality he does more than me cleaning wise in the evenings but that's cos my head is normally embedded in a textbook!

Finola1step Sat 13-Apr-13 12:40:32

If the children are all at school, then the SAHP should be doing the lion share of the cooking, laundry and cleaning. If children are at home, 50:50 split on the cleaning I would say.

minibird69 Sat 13-Apr-13 12:56:29

Thanks all!

I'd hoped this thread would be a good 'un.

I dont think he is sitting on his bum (no CCTV, so cant be 100% sure). He's a bit disorganised though, and woukd rather watch a film and do the ironing while the kids are at school than clean. We cant afford a cleaner - that would be bliss!

And i dont expect him to do it all, by any means, but I do way, way more than 'pitch in'. I certainly don't come home from work expecting to do nothing.

On sundays he takes the kids swimming and I do the housework so that we dont end up on channel 4.

I didnt mean to sound patronising, Oxford, but one of our kids friends did ask him what he wants to do when he grows up grin

We have a great relationship but every now and then I turn into a grumpy old nag because the house is a hideous mess. So i thought a reality check here woukd be useful.

SAHM's how much do your DP's pitch in and what do you expect them to do .... and ... How clean is your house?!

VisualiseAHorse Sat 13-Apr-13 13:05:26

I don't expect my OH to pitch in and clean - but he works 70 hour weeks sometimes, does a lot of on call work and can have nights where he doesn't finish until 2am (after starting at 9am!).

He DOES pitch in though, he cooks a lot for us, and does various bits around the house (plus all the DIY jobs). To be honest, I'd much rather he spent extra time with our LO than cook/clean, as some days he barely sees him. I really love it when OH takes LO out and about and then I can hoover/iron in peace, without an 11 month old baby crawling after me whining!

My house is ok - hoovered everyday (at least once), laundry done everyday, always 'tidy' (haha, not always clean, mind wink).

IDontDoIroning Sat 13-Apr-13 13:08:36

Ok how old are the kids - if babies / toddlers then he is busy in the day and doesn't have the time to do the housework and look after dc. If they are in school then it's not unreasonable for him to do some housework.

lecce Sat 13-Apr-13 13:09:22

My dh is a sahd and does all the cooking, all the admin and most of the cleaning. Sometimes he does let the cleaning slip a little and we have recently moved and then he was ill so we are a little out of routine now. I do get grumpy when a few weekends in a row occur in which I am spending a lot of time cleaning. It makes me feel that all I do is work and clean (I usually have work to do in the evenings). It leaves little time free for me to actually enjoy tme with the dc.

If the dc are at school, then I see no reson why the parent at home can't do the vast majority of the housework, tbh. What else would they do all day - though I suppose OP's husband may need to write routines or something. As I see it, having one parent at home full-time is a bit of a luxury and one that should benefit the whole family, leaving the weekend more or less free for more enjoyable activities.

squeakytoy Sat 13-Apr-13 13:10:55

I dont think I made it clear in my post.. of course he should be doing the bloody housework... why should he get to sit on his arse half the day while the kids are in school!

Even with pre-schoolers it is perfectly possible to keep the house tidy and keep on top of things..

PenguinBear Sat 13-Apr-13 13:12:28

Would love to know his performance name, ways love to see new comedians!

ouryve Sat 13-Apr-13 13:16:30

OK, so if he does the ironing, then he's not sitting around doing nothing, is he?

There's clearly a middle ground to be reached and you need to communicate this to him. Even if he's not spending his days scrubbing everything until it's spotless, he needs to make sure he's not leaving you with the breakfast dishes still in the sink, skidmarks in the loo, laundry to throw in the washer or vacuuming to do, when you get home, every day.

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