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DD is being left out :(

(26 Posts)
FCEK Sat 13-Apr-13 10:09:20

I don't know if I'm over reacting. DH says to let it go. I haven't said or done anything, just quietly seething.

DD is 5. In her first year of school. The majority of kids there were at nursery with her. I know the mums although I don't socialise with them. They are mostly SAHMs or p/t workers so they do socialise with each other a lot whilst I work full time and therefore find it hard to get to know the other mums well, which I think is the reason why friendship problems are starting to occur with DD.

Anyway, back to the point, no problems at nursery, there weren't really any play dates or at least we didn't worry about it as DD was too young. She got invited to every party.

Now she tells me a girl at school (who was also at nursery) told her "my mum says you can only come to my party if X isn't able to come". A few weeks ago I find out from DD that another girl (again from nursery and whom she was 'best friends' with at nursery) was handing out invitations in class but DD didn't get one.

So I'm upset for DD and I feel the mums are forcing their DDs into friendships and my DD is being left out. I try to tell DD to be nice to everyone, not to leave anyone out. In fact for her 5th, we invited everyone we could think of (and everyone came!) because we didn't want any child to feel left out so I feel a bit p*ssed off that others don't have the same attitude.

DD isn't a naughty child. In fact her teacher says she's very kind and tries to help everyone, and is well behaved, so it isn't that she isn't being nice or something.

I have some of the mums on my facebook friend lists and I regulary see posts about 'play dates' and party pictures and my DD isn't amongst any of them.

I have tried to arrange meet ups and play dates but not with much success, it seems that DD is a last resort if nothing else comes up. I get excuses from the parents.

I just feel sad for DD. my DH says to let it go and says DD isn't that bothered by it. She does have friends in the playground but I'm starting to see groups forming and therefore I'm worried it won't be long before she doesn't have anyone in the playground anymore.

Am I being silly and paranoid?

HeySoulSister Sat 13-Apr-13 10:13:28

in my experience this parental interference kind of wears off by the time they are 7/8.....it was same when my girls were small

froginthepond Sat 13-Apr-13 10:21:45

Sorry i dont have any advice but am watching with interest as i can see ds being in this situation when he starts school. We live near a small village which is one big clique. I can see it already and he is just in nursery there at the min. None of the parents speak to me and i hope it does not cause problems with ds being invited to play, left out etc. At the min i do think it worries me more though and does not cross his mind at all. We have only lived here 3 and a half years and everyone else is 3rd generation. Does your dd get upset about it?

ppeatfruit Sat 13-Apr-13 10:24:00

IMO you are being a bit paranoid.Who collects your DD from school? Surely they can communicate with you if she wants to play with someone or vice versa?

DuchessFanny Sat 13-Apr-13 10:26:25

I know it's hard but try not to worry. Things often 'even out' as the children grow and change over the years. My DSs sometimes get invited and sometimes not, in fact my middle boy was a little upset that he wasn't invited to the party of a friend he's had for years -- but nbers were limited and it was their decision . They are still friends in the class and at playtime . Hth x

ppeatfruit Sat 13-Apr-13 10:27:35

Then that leads to stronger friendships and party invites it's a natural progression surely?

DuchessFanny Sat 13-Apr-13 10:28:12

Should also add that you should get some of her friends over to yours for a play ? Weekend or after school ? That usually helps x

lljkk Sat 13-Apr-13 10:32:41

Ooh, that sort of thing is painful.
I don't think you can do anything but rise above & set a better example.

They really do sort their own social lives come age 8-9, just have to grit teeth until then. If your DD is find with it all, then follow her lead.

mrsjay Sat 13-Apr-13 10:36:15

I think as others have said dont sweat it and they really do sort themselves out, it doesn't matter if she doesn't get invited to every party it really dont your DD isn't bothered so why should you be smile just because they went to nursery doesnt mean they are friends at school , it does sort its self your dd will get her own friends ,

mrsjay Sat 13-Apr-13 10:36:42

doesn't*

BettyandDon Sat 13-Apr-13 10:44:11

If the other mums are friends it is only natural that their kids will see each other a lot and become friends surely. I'm not sure you can complain about this.

It's a bit unfair but it sounds like your DD would have to over exert herself to infiltrate that group. I'm not sure if 5yr olds can really do that. So you may have to focus on other friendships until the children are a bit more independent in their friendships.

mrsjay Sat 13-Apr-13 10:52:22

what betty said really , and these friendships( mums and children )don't always carry on as the children grow up and grow away from each other it can be awkward with the mums if the kids are in their teens an no longer friends but are expected to be iyswim, I think being independent and forming their own friendships is probably better in the long run

Hullygully Sat 13-Apr-13 10:55:39

This happens all the time sadly...I would suggest you make MASSIVE efforts to have other kids over as much as poss, at weekends if not during the week when you work, and try and get to know the other parents as much as you can.

You won't be able not to worry about dd and you won't be happy otherwise...

Bridgetbidet Sat 13-Apr-13 11:00:34

It's really horrible. I often find myself in similar situations. I am by nature a bit of a loner myself and I have a small circle of close friends who I enjoy spending time with, and I like spending time with my family. I find the politics of trying to make friends in a new group very wearing and often hurtful so tend to avoid it. I prefer to make friends one on one rather than as a group. This often leads to allegations of being stuck up or unfriendly. And it's not that I dislike or look down on people, it's simply that I find the whole thing very, hard to do.

I think that you need to be a bit proactive about this and arrange play dates yourself. Maybe at the end of the play date ask the mum if she fancies staying for a coffee. Start with baby steps then maybe later you could ask them out for lunch to somewhere which has a baby play area.

I don't like this whole process but have had to start forcing myself to do it for my sons sake and surprisingly I have actually started to meet a few who are really nice and I'm starting to become really friendly with them. On the flip side I have met a few utter bitches who have excluded my son anyway, but to be honest I think that's a good filter because the people like that don't seem to me the kind of person I would want supervising my child, and it also makes me doubt the kind of values their child will be instilled with and I don't really think that their friendship will be a big loss.

Look at it that way, if you make a real effort the ones who continue to be unpleasant and exclude are really just not damn worth it. Your daughter is fortunate that she won't be building friendships with a family who have that kind of attitude.

Bridgetbidet Sat 13-Apr-13 11:01:54

Incidentally, does your daughter go to a minders after school? Are there other children there that play dates could be organized with? Outside of the bitchy classroom environment?

FCEK Sat 13-Apr-13 11:17:36

my mum has her before and after school, my mum knows a few grandparents and one of these grandparents lives in her street so whenever her granddaughter is at hers (which isn't often unfortunately), they do play together so that's good.

DD goes to a few clubs after school and at holidays, which has helped keep her happy and with other kids to play with, except none of her school friends go to these ones.

Trying to get DD into rainbows where there are kids she knows from school, except there is a waiting list.

Several of her classmates know each other from rainbows or dancing class (DD isn't really into dancing though sad )

As stated before, I have tried to arrange playdates/meet ups but I get excuses a lot.

I hope it does sort itself out by the time they get older, my Dsis and I suffered terrible bullying at school so I can't help worrying about DD. She isn't upset by it, but she is starting to comment on it.

ppeatfruit Sat 13-Apr-13 11:24:23

I understand that it is upsetting for you (esp. as you were bullied sad)but it will as you say sort itself out perhaps try not to show her that you're worried about it.

Lonecatwithkitten Sat 13-Apr-13 11:24:39

I was given a really excellent piece of advice before DD started school ' be friendly but not overly friendly in reception as the overly friendlies will fall out by year 1'. It was completely true and yes all those little cliques had a massive falling out mainly relating to trying to manipulate the children's friendships and it didn't work.
If you want to invite someone your DD really wants to play do, but don't get hung up on it. Her friends now will not be her friends in four years time.

Hullygully Sat 13-Apr-13 11:26:27

I know it's hard but you must develop the skin of a rhino...just keep trying and arranging and take the can't-make-its at face value, with a smile and a what-a-shame-perhaps-another-time. The thing is, everyone wants an easy life, it's not that other parents don't like you or dd etc, they don't even know you, it's just that it's easier to meet up with people they already know and people are lazy...that's why you have to make immense and staggering efforts. As Bridget says, eventually you will meet one or two nice parents and dc and that's all you and dd need. Good luck!

diddl Sat 13-Apr-13 11:31:40

But if OP is trying to arrange playdates & they aren't being accepted, what is she to do?

Well yes, wait a couple of years until the parents have less influence.

But then it's not supposed to be about the parents, is it?

The children should be playing with whom they wish!

Do the parents still stay with the kids-so that it's sociable for the adults as well-is that the problem?

Who would be going with your daughter OP, if that's the case & who would be at yours iyswim?

Mumsyblouse Sat 13-Apr-13 11:32:10

I think you are overthinking this, it is normal once they are in reception for friendship groups to form, and you won't get invited to parties every time anymore even if they were previously friends.

I agree with lonecat that the best thing to do is to be friendly, but not over-friendly, a lot of these mums/children cliques end up both overly involved and then fall out spectacularly, as children don't necessarily want to be friends with their parents' friends children! We have had this in Yr 2 in groups that were besties since recpetion.

Try to listen to what your daughter and your daughter's teacher are saying- she is happy, and the teacher thinks she is social too. Also- which children does she really like/gel with? Invite one or two over but no more. And stop worrying about not getting invites to 30 parties a year!

I can completely relate as I didn't fit in well at primary school (loads of friends now) so have been rather anxious about my children's friendships but I have backed off massively (asking 'who did you play with today?' in an overanxious way is OUT). I also suggest you don't look at Facebook except to manage your own friendships.

Have faith in your dd, she doesn't need hundreds of friends just one or two and I'm sure they will be out there.

lemonmuffin Sat 13-Apr-13 15:54:23

Good post mumsyblouse. Reading and nodding along.

redskyatnight Sat 13-Apr-13 16:01:14

Well the key part of your post is that "she does have friends in the playground". That's the main thing. And don't worry about groups forming at this age. They will, but they will form different ones next week. When your DD has no one to play with at school that's when you start worrying.

Also wondering if it's the norm where you are for parents to go to play dates? If so, I can see why parents may be reluctant to have your DD (not saying that you're awful or anything, but I find it hard hosting someone I don't know and avoided asking some of the DC's friends back for this reason until they got old enough to come on their own).

And also to say, that DS is in Y4 now. He is still friends with precisely none of the children he was friends with in Reception (or even Y2). It's really too early to be worrying.

Chocotrekkie Sat 13-Apr-13 16:09:16

Is it worth speaking to your mum about this ? Depending on the circs obviously.. Would she be happy to do after school play dates ? Take her to the local park ( if relevant) on a nice day after school ? Anywhere where the other parents see their child playing with yours would help at this age.

Also I don't know if you could but would something like joining the school PTA be possible - if you can make friends with some of the mums it would help a lot.

I don't offer or accept play dates at the weekends really - weekends are family time for me and I like the flexibility to just go wherever whenever.

When they get to 7 or 8 they definitely have their own opinion on who their friends are which isn't always the ones you would chose which is easier.

directoroflegacy Sat 13-Apr-13 16:17:45

Yes, agree that it can 'backfire' to 'force' friendships
DD is 7 (Yr 2) and it is now they are working it out for themselves!

You also get the prob when girls are friends from nursery into reception, so mums get friendly then the girls naturally drift apart. This can be awkward too!

I also reiterate that being friendly with all is better than being 'besties' with a v v small group.

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