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Should i make my ds go?

(14 Posts)
Needsgoodadvice Fri 12-Apr-13 22:52:40

I have two kids with my ex of 4 and half years, they both have additional needs, one is Autistic and one has developmental delay/learning difficulties they are 8 and 6. My 8yr old ds with Autism has been saying a lot lately that he doesn't want to go and see his dad, they see him once a week and stay overnight. He and his dad have never got on very well, (that was one of the many reasons we split). There is a new girlfriend that is spending time with them, he has said he is ok with that, his dad doesn't do anything with them, they go to the park if they are lucky and that is not every week. There doesn't seem to be a particular reason for him not to go, he just says his dad doesn't let him do the things he wants to do i.e play Minecraft on his tablet, which he is obsessed with at the moment lol. his dad still doesn't understand his autism, which doesn't help. My dd loves to see her dad and thats how it should be, but my ds doesn't always want to go I have spoken to his dad who's attitude was, if he doesn't want to come, he's not bothered. well i don't agree with one going and not the other. I also know that if i did nothing, their relationship would diminish to nothing, am confused. Question is should i make him go?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 12-Apr-13 22:55:36

I would listen to him.

I think the most telling part of this is that his dad isn't bothered if he sees him or not.

imo, that tells you there's a reason your son doesn't want to go. And you should hear what he is trying to tell you.

I wouldn't make him go.

hillyhilly Fri 12-Apr-13 22:57:52

I suspect that the resolution lies with the dad. He needs to make sure that he engages with your ds to build a relationship that lasts.

5318008 Fri 12-Apr-13 22:58:18

as always, Hec is on the money

don't make him go

WorraLiberty Fri 12-Apr-13 22:59:16

There isn't always a reason ime

My 2 DS's love my ex but sometimes they'd go through phases of simply wanting to stay home instead.

If your DD loves to see her Dad then of course you can send one and not the other...it wouldn't be fair not to allow your DD time with her Dad and she'd probably grow to resent her brother for it.

WorraLiberty Fri 12-Apr-13 23:00:52

I meant to add, I wouldn't make him go but I wouldn't read too much into it either.

He doesn't take them to the park every week and he doesn't let your DS obsess over his tablet, but that's just different parenting.

Needsgoodadvice Fri 12-Apr-13 23:04:35

Thanks folks smile , it makes it worse that their dad has pushed this new woman into their time together on a sat, although ds says its not a problem I'm not convinced..... am just worried that whoever i try to keep happy, I'm Going to get it wrong and someone is going to blame me. X

katiecubs Fri 12-Apr-13 23:04:35

Yep - the dads not bothered if he comes or not - there's your reason.

Monty27 Fri 12-Apr-13 23:09:26

No, don't make him go, I did it and regret it. Ds was 2 years younger than dd, she was happy to go.

I didn't realise what an ass exdh was until they told me years later when they were older, house was filthy, very little food, and he often took them in the pub next door and ponced drinks off people, for all of them blush sad

Anyway, no if ds doesn't feel happy there don't make him go there may be a reason you're not aware of, and they do feel loyalty albeit displaced to their 'dfs' when they're young.

BlackeyedSusan Fri 12-Apr-13 23:30:26

if dad is not bothered, don't make him go. if dad gets interested in having him, or he decides he wants to see his dad, then it can change again.

eggsandwich Fri 12-Apr-13 23:36:00

As a mother of an Autistic child I wouldn't force him to do something he doesn't want to do, especially as his father isn't bothered about seeing his own son. Sadly I think that mother's tend to deal with being told your child is Autistic better than some men, it's like they don't want to understand and just bury their heads in the sand, hoping it's going to go away or sort itself out. I would leave the door open for your son should he want to start contact again.

Needsgoodadvice Fri 12-Apr-13 23:42:05

Eggs- he never took it well, he still says there is nothing wrong with him, its just ignorance imo. He doesn't understand it because he simply doesn't want to, that would take time and patience!

Monty27 Sat 13-Apr-13 00:00:04

How does the dad feel about ds not wanting to go? Ds's dad didn't seem to particularly care when ds started missing weekends, in the end I did agree with ds and stopped the visits altogether.

Ds used to miss beavers on a Friday because his df wouldn't agree to pick him up from there, it also meant ds couldn't joint football/rugby/weekend pursuits because his df wouldn't co-operate with pickups etc (he lived a bit away, across South London).

OMG I wish I hadn't thought that exdh was worthy of ds, but I was just trying to do the right thing. I used to say to ds on a Friday when he would ring me at work saying he didn't want to go his df's, that he should, because he may regret in the future not spending time with his df.

Talk about over promoting a useless and negative relationship..

Sorry for long post.

Needsgoodadvice Sat 13-Apr-13 00:26:38

His dads attitude was, if he comes then great but if not then hes not bothered......i should imagine he must be a bit upset surely, i know i would be!
I also know it wont be long before dd wont want to go on her own and then they will both end up not wanting to go.
I must stress he doesnt not want to see his dad at all, he just doesnt always want to go to his house, depends what mood hes in on the day i think!

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