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AIBU?

AIBU To not alow NRP un-supervised contact.

16 replies

LouiseSmith · 11/04/2013 10:47

Hi Ladies,

This is a long one. Basically my EP left us when DS was 9 weeks old, He has barely been involved since, a couple of visits organised by the solisters in an attempt to keep it out of court, resulted in it being cancelled by him for one reason or another. We had a court date for January 24 this year, and he was a no show, but he did send a letter telling the court that It was a waste of his time, attending, and a waste of there time too.

Now, with all that being said he has had four weeks contact with my now 3yr old DS all of which has gone really well, now he has asked if he can have his 2 hour Sunday contact unsupervised, at the local park. I'm really confused, I don't know what to do for the best.

I think my son would love going to the park, he likes playing with his Dad but there have been threats to remove him from my care in the past. I have a residency order in my favour. But im still going to be panicking for the two hours he has gone. So, Do I let him go, and trust he will bring him home. Do I refuse to let him go, risk ex throwing a tantrum and cancelling completely (effecting my son)

If I did let him go and he didn't bring him home, what can I do.

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

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Lucyellensmum95 · 11/04/2013 10:49

There have threats to remove your son from your care in the past? This is a no brainer!

LouiseSmith · 11/04/2013 10:50

Yes there have been, and I acted accordingly and now have a residency order in place. I can not prevent my son from seeing his father forever!!!

OP posts:

ELR · 11/04/2013 10:51

Why has there been threats to remove from your care if its to do with ep then I would not allow unsupervised visit not after 4 weeks. He needs to gain your trust over the course of a good 6 months to a year I would say.
Sorry not really much help.

Softlysoftly · 11/04/2013 10:52

Have to be honest I wouldn't have chased contact if he wasnt bothered.

Don't allow unsupervised and if he throws a wobbler and fades away let him.

SparklyVampire · 11/04/2013 10:57

I agree with what softly says, refuse contact and let him chase you through the courts. He will no doubt fade away judging by last time. If however he does go through courts it may well be supervised at a contact centre at first, but it WILL eventually progress to unsupervised and you have to be ready for this. Unless he is an abusive violent arse it is important for your son to have his father in his life.

MmeThenardier · 11/04/2013 10:57

4 weeks contact in 3 years? He sounds like a virtual stranger (to both of you)... I wouldn't let him go. If he's serious he will build up to it.

AmberLeaf · 11/04/2013 11:01

After all that, it is IMO way too soon for unsupervised contact.

He is all but a stranger to your son.

KarmaBitch · 11/04/2013 11:14

He needs to build up contact. Tell him you'd like it to stay supervised for the time being until a relationship is established. If he is serious about regularly seeing your son he should have no problem with proving himself first. If he walks off in a huff - leave him. If it went back to court I'm sure they'd suggest contact centre supervision first anyway given how many times he has seen your son.

niceguy2 · 11/04/2013 11:16

Yeah even as a bloke I'd have to say that it's too early to talk about unsupervised given the past threats.

What's suddenly made him come back for contact though given he didn't seem interested earlier?

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/04/2013 11:40

" Do I refuse to let him go, risk ex throwing a tantrum and cancelling completely (effecting my son)"
Really, how big an affect can it have on your son? He's 3 years old and he's seen this man four times, never alone. He is, effectively, a stranger to your son. And so what if your ex throws a tantrum? Why are you even considering letting him control you?

LouiseSmith · 11/04/2013 19:05

Its not a case of letting him control me, its the fact I don't want my DS to grow up without his father in his life in one way or another.

He has seen him on and off supervised for a couple of weeks this time, there has been a few times, again supervised earlier last year, but its only two hours, they will only be going down the road from my house. I just wanted some options on what would be the right thing to do.

Thank you all

OP posts:

LadyMaryQuiteContrary · 11/04/2013 19:13

They have many years to get to know each other. I wouldn't rush into this as your ex needs to show his worth. Looking after your child and doing what's in his best interests includes keeping him safe. From what you've said here I wouldn't allow unsupervised contact yet; it's too early.

niceguy2 · 12/04/2013 00:33

Hi Louise

If your ex is serious about being a long term part of your son's life then you asking for a bit more time before you agree to unsupervised is not unreasonable.

I totally get your fear but to be honest if he's serious, nothing you do or say should put him off. In fact if he is serious, you not agreeing might make him angry but if anything I'd expect him to go even further to prove he is being serious.

If he turns around and says that you can forget it then and stops engaging then it's probably a good thing because he's shown he's not committed at all.

Let me ask you this. What's changed? Why after so long is he suddenly trying again? Has he grown up? Was he upset before and now he's over the breakup? Are his family pressuring him? Or has he got a new GF? You sometimes find that the latter is a strong motivation so he can show his new squeeze he's a good dad. Then later when they break up he loses interest again. I'm not saying it's the case. But just think about why he's interested and that will give you an idea of whether or not he is in this for the long haul.

If he is, you WILL argue and fall out in time. It's natural. Hell it's been over 10 years and I still have ding dong's with my ex over the kids. But i do know that despite everything she will always see the kids and won't disappear at the first sign of trouble.

KansasCityOctopus · 12/04/2013 00:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BenjaminButton172 · 12/04/2013 07:44

FOUR WEEKS!! Its been 4 weeks.

Thats nothing. No way would i let him take ds out alone. Especially after the threat about taking him away.

It wont be your fault if your son grows up without a father because it is down to your ex to make the effort to be in your sons life.

I would keep supervised contact for another 6-12 months.

SwishSwoshSwoosh · 12/04/2013 07:49

It sounds like supervised contact is the only sensible option at this time, I do not understand why you would accept this change so quickly.

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