DH, My Birthday and The Stag Night

[Justtheonemore]

I'll try and keep this as brief as possible.

It was my birthday at the weekend. My DH is best man at his friends wedding next month and therefore took charge of stag party duties. He organised a day out at the coast leaving early morning on my birthday and coming home the following day in the afternoon. Although he organised it to fall on my birthday, I understood that getting a date so all the grooms friends could attend and I didn't make a fuss at all.

So birthday morning comes around and yet again, no present (he hasn't 'had the money' to buy me one for about 5years). I was kind of expecting it however I suppose my hopes were raised as I thought because he was off for the day he would have made an effort this year. He didnt. He got up, got dressed and left just after 7am....and that was the last I heard from him. He didnt text or call all day. Maybe I should have texted him but I suppose I was expecting him to since it was my birthday. My SILs and some friends came round for a glass of wine that night, most of whom had DPs out on this stag, and they were all (without exception) receiving texts and phonecalls throughout the night.

So it comes down to this really, AIBU to be upset that despite me not making a fuss over his date choice for the day out and lack of present again he didn't think to text or phone to see if I was having a nice day, to check if our 5DC were ok, to wish me a good night (he knew friends were coming round). AIBU to feel really hurt that my friends were all receiving texts and I had to sit there and laugh it off? He thinks I'm overreacting and asking too much of him and "nothing he does will ever be good enough". I feel that's his way of turning around on me, but he does have the gift of making me doubt myself.

That was actually really long, sorry. We just have problems and I feel like the lack of effort sums up why. He doesn't agree, he thinks I expect too much of him.

So AIBU??

[HollyBerryBush]

I agree with your DH, sorry, but he was out for the day and it would drive me bonkers if I had to keep phoning/texting and checking in if I was out somewhere. Ditto, if DH keeps on phoning/texting if he's out to see if everything is running smoothly at home obviously assuming I've massacred the children and am sitting on the village green pulling up lumps of grass or something this whole needy culture of people keeping tabs on you sends me a bit potty! I'm a grown woman, I do not need constant attention

But be mindful that I do not do the whole birthday ritual stuff. It's just another day. Plus I deffo do not do texts.

I'm sure someone will be along shortly to tell you to LTB.

[Littleturkish]

No.

I feel really sadfor you.

Why is a text too much to expect?

[bringonyourwreckingball]

Of course YANBU. It's hardly a case of nothing he does being good enough, more like when he does nothing it's not good enough. If he has the money for a stag do he can afford to get you a present, even if it's just a small one. Some of the most thoughtful presents dh has bought me haven't cost much, the point is the thought he has put in to get me something nice. You deserve so much more consideration from your partner.

[peggotty]

Fgs hollyberry it was her birthday and he didn't call her ONCE. I don't particularly 'do' birthdays either but that would upset me. He didn't have the money to get you a present but had it to go on a stag do? Bollocks to that - you need to start protesting and stop rolling over for him!

[ENormaSnob]

So he can afford an overnight stag do but not a fiver for a small gift or bunch of flowers?

I think that says it all really.

[samandi]

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable to expect a small gift or at least one birthday text/call. At all.

[HollyBerryBush]

peggotty did he not say "happy birthday" before he left in the morning?

I'm genuinely bemused

[TurnipCake]

I thought I remembered your name from a while ago in Relationships and I did some digging. It's just a symptom. The real rot here is that your partner thinks of you of nothing with contempt.

[diddl]

I think that it depends on what you usually do tbh.

We aren't present people, so that wouldn't have bothered me.

I would have expected a card, a "Happy birthday" & maybe a cup of tea in bed before he went.

I wouldn't have expected calls/texts throughout the day.

Maybe one to say that they got there OK.

Maybe one just as they were going out to ask how my day had been.

But tbh if he'd said happy birthday before he left & there was a card, that would be enough for me.

I don't get calling/texting OHs whilst out with friends.

Was it boring??!!

[adeucalione]

I was prepared to say YABU because I don't make a fuss of my birthday and wouldn't mind if DP went out for the day, if it was something important. But actually I think I would be really hurt if I didn't get a small present or card, or a single text/phone call to see how my day was going.

[Fozziebearmum2b]

In my view, YANBU at all. Whilst I wouldn't expect at all a load of txt msgs or calls throughout the evening I would expect one txt or call at some pt, even if it were a drunken txt/call after he got in. Just because when men are drunk they tend to get all emotional and call their oh's.

I wouldn't expect him to change the date of the stag (if he couldn't..) but to organise it on your birthday, not buy you anything and not mark it in anyway is a bit much, Id be upset.

It sounds from your post that there are other problems though (hope Im not reading too much into it) and this isn't a one off..

[Yama]

No money for birthday present for 5 years?
Money for overnight stag do though?

It seems this man may not care about your happiness.

[RatRatRat]

He didn't even wish you a happy birthday! A phone call / text wasn't too much to ask of his friends, on the same outing, whose wives were not celebrating their birthdays.

This man doesn't seem to care about you, I'd stop caring about him.

[livinginwonderland]

if it wasn't your birthday, i would say YABU because i don't feel the need to update my partner of my plans/whereabouts constantly (i feel it's a bit clingy) - but it's your birthday! i would be very upset if my partner didn't even call me or text me to say happy birthday, that's just selfish.

[ThreeWheelsGood]

Woah, YADNBU! In your shoes I'd be really down. He could have at least said happy birthday! Can't believe he's defending forgetting to be nice on your birthday. I accept he shouldn't need to keep in touch as such on a stag do, but really, one "Happy Birthday, hope you have a nice evening" would be normal!

[mumofweeboys]

He could have sent u a txt in the morning bit wouldnt have expected any other communication. However I would have made it clear to him that next weekend I would be expecting a meal out/trip to cinema to celebrate my birthday.

Dh ended up doing 6 nations rugby watching at then pub on our wedding anniversary so was agreed the weekend after he would take me for a slap up meal.

[Callisto]

Birthdays are not important to me either, but DH always gets me something, and makes sure that DD gets me something too. He would have been in touch a couple of times on the day too, to make sure DD and I were ok. It isn't being needy or clingy, it is being respectful and caring.

Sorry Just, but your DH sounds awful. I don't want to say LTB (although I wouldn't be with a man who treated me like this), but you really need to have a good think about what he brings to your life.

[badguider]

If he's got away without buying a present for five years then I'm not surprised he didn't acknowledge it this year when he had other things on his mind.
Have you had a card or a meal cooked for you or at least a 'happy birthday' on those other birthdays?
If not I think the rot set in a while ago and this year is just the same. If you want to change what is now a pattern then you need to kick up a proper fuss (much as I'd normally hate to do that).

[AnyFucker]

What a selfish man

I should think his casual disregard for you here is only part of a bigger picture

[Branleuse]

yanbu.

he's not that into you.

[sheeplikessleep]

YANBU.
All you were asking for is some sort of acknowledgement it was your birthday, and that he was thinking of that and aware of it. A text or call is not too much to ask in any way.
You're asking for acknowledgement that he considers and thinks of you on your birthday at the very least, not asking for some big elaborate expensive event.
TBH, I'd have been a bit disappointed if DH wasn't there for my birthday and would have expected a nice meal out or something on another date (but then maybe I'm too demanding).

[sheeplikessleep]

Sorry, written same thing twice, doh!

[EasilyBored]

He didn't wish you a happy birthday, hasn't got you even a token gift for the last five years and couldn't be arsed to text you even once to ask how you are? I'm really hoping he has some amazing redeeming quality you haven't mentioned yet.

YANBU.

[KeatsiePie]

I just did a search (sorry if that's rude) and after reading your thread in Relationships have to say this thing of completely ignoring your birthday, while very unkind, is not the problem. The way he treats you generally is totally unacceptable. Seriously.

If you're offended that I searched (I really don't know if that's okay to do) I apologize, and if you want me to get the post deleted please let me know.

[purrpurr]

OP, you are definitely not being unreasonable in any way whatsoever. I hope your friends spoiled you rotten.

I think it's really sad that your DH has form for this. One year early on in our relationship, my DH held off buying me anything for my birthday. I was due to take my driving test the day before, and he was convinced I would pass. (Which is nice.) So he'd decided that when I inevitably passed, he would take me to Halfords for some, erm, car mats, for my birthday present. (Words fail me. Still puzzled by this.) I failed the driving test. He was very, very surprised indeed, and told me he hadn't got me anything for my birthday. I hit the chuffing roof. I went absolutely apeshit. Nothing like a major failure being compounded by not being given anything for my birthday.

He has never, ever, ever EVER done anything remotely similar since. Every year he somehow manages to blow up a gazillion balloons and festoon the living room with them. He likes to use them to obscure presents, so I get to have a childish dig about in the balloons for my gifts.

Have you ever hit the roof? Had an honest chat about this?