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To think DH is being unfair?

(124 Posts)
Lambzig Wed 10-Apr-13 20:25:48

My close friend is having a significant birthday. She is having a night out to an event with friends, followed by a party the next day for adults and children in the afternoon.

DH and I are invited to both, but as we have 2DC, aged 5 months and 3, it's not easy for us both to go. A babysitter won't work as it is in another town.

Obvs we will go to the day party, but I asked DH if he would mind if I went to the night out. I very rarely go out in the evening, twice in the last year, whereas he goes out with mates at least once a fortnight. I don't mind as I see friends in daytime and weekends.

DH says that if we both cant go, then neither of us should go. I think this is unfair as he has lots of nights out compared to me. Also, he is not bothered about not going. I just think he doesn't want to deal with the DC by himself as I would stay in other town with friends, so he would have them on his own overnight. AIBU?

wheredidiputit Thu 11-Apr-13 19:07:43

I think you need to be blunt with him. Don't pussyfoot around him.

Your going out to your friends birthday whether he likes it or not. And you are either start going out twice a month like him (not that you have to if you don't want to) or he only goes out 5/6 times in the next 3 years like you have.

cees Thu 11-Apr-13 20:57:24

Well done for making the decision to go but you have to be wondering why a grown man is doing his best to not take care of his own children. Is it your fault for letting him off with it in the past?

You said up thread that he could go out when you come home at 10, it's your night out don't bend to make it more appealing to him. You know he will be pissed if you decide you are staying later so don't even offer. Enjoy it and let him mind his children alone a bit more often and he won't think it such a burden in the future.

quoteunquote Thu 11-Apr-13 23:53:12

Open a MN account (Calfzag) for him and he can come on here for guidance. grin

I'm sure if he asks, people will be more than happy to give him support, he would at least have somewhere to ask silly question and not bother you on your night off.

Numberlock Fri 12-Apr-13 06:14:06

This is as much about him controlling his wife and preventing her having any child-free time as it is about him not being arsed with his own kids.

pictish Fri 12-Apr-13 07:29:03

I certainly wouldn't be offering to leave at 10 so he can go out after!!

You will not be done by 10. You will want to stay out longer....and seeing as your turn is loooong overdue, he'll just have to suck that up.

It's not your turn, or anything like it, if you have to cut short your night so he can go out as well. He goes out often, and you rarely do. It's his turn to sit this one out.

It's ridiculous that you feel you must appease him by making him an equal priority.

Stop being so passive.

exoticfruits Fri 12-Apr-13 07:45:12

I would just be blunt- tell him you are going.

Snowyelephantshavewrinkles Fri 12-Apr-13 08:04:31

Tell him you are going and he needs to look after DC.
You are not a child that he can tell what time to be in by!!
Go out have a good time, come back at two am if you feel like it.
You need to tell him straight!!

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 12-Apr-13 08:13:31

Am eye rolling at this. Poooooooor man.

I remember it is a bit of a shock when you have a baby and toddler and it is all hands on deck a lot of the time, but he should have got used to it by now.

You elaborate plan to stop him moaning may encourage the idea that he can't look aft his won children.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 12-Apr-13 08:16:00

I just hope he is just lazy, not nasty and lazy

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 12-Apr-13 08:17:37


I had a 2 year old and a baby. Coping with a 5 year old is a piece of piss compared to that

twofalls Fri 12-Apr-13 08:34:01

Don't all go and stay at your friend's altogether. You will end up running round like a loon getting the dc sorted, trying to get ready, etc. You will end up getting up in the night or the morning with them. Just get in the car in the afternoon and enjoy one night you din't have to do tea, bath, bed, breakfast etc.

He needs to man up and stop being such a child. I have been away for 5 nights in the last 14 (work). DH just got on with it because he is their Father.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 12-Apr-13 08:35:38

Have just noticed he was weird about you going out, before children, so is it about that and the DC sare an excuse? Better and better.

SolidGoldBrass Fri 12-Apr-13 15:09:21

Yup, this sounds more and more like a man who fundamentally believes that women are second-class and that the Man Of The House is the one entitled to leisure time, whereas the Little Woman should gain all her satisfaction from childcare and domestic work.

The only way to keep your marriage happy and healthy is to stand up to him, don't negotiate or ask his permission to do things, just claim a reasonable amount of leisure time for yourself. If he becomes aggressive or difficult, then you will know that he is not going to change and not ever going to consider you his equal.

cjel Fri 12-Apr-13 15:30:41

While I agree that his belief is not right as you see it solid, I do disagree that that is the only way to make her marriage happy. Perhaps she does get all her fulfilment from childcare and domestic work. Just because it wouldn't suit some of us it may suit others, just because we don't agree doesn't mean she has to do it our way. He hasn't shown signs of being aggressive, he has told her what he doesn't like, shes done what she wants anyway and laughs at him and hes been fine with it.

flaminghoopsaloohlah Fri 12-Apr-13 17:55:23

Are you fulfilled, OP? Is it just this one issue that is a problem?

myBOYSareBONKERS Fri 12-Apr-13 20:08:18

Bet he "falls ill" or needs to "work" on that night

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs Fri 12-Apr-13 20:22:21

If he does 'fall ill' or have to 'work' on that night - do what I once did. Go anyway. Tell him he is their father, and just like YOU have to look after them when you are ill and he isn't there, he has to do the same!

Pffff...I wouldn't put up with him being an entitled arse like this.

I'd be claiming as much leisure time as he had. If he isn't happy with the amount of leisure time YOU have, the answer is to lower HIS leisure time to match...

If he doesn't like the sound of that, then he needs to suck it up and accept that you are both entitled to the sane amount of leisure time!

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs Fri 12-Apr-13 20:25:27

And if he uses work as a 'get-out', do what I have also once done - tell him (and mean it) that you WILL drop his DC at his workplace with him so that HE can organise childcare for them if he 'can't' get out of work...

Explain to him in advance that his DC will be his responsibility that night, and if he has to work, or feels ill, it will be up to HIM to source alternative childcare.

My arse of an Ex actually responded to this - because he KNEW I meant it!!

SolidGoldBrass Fri 12-Apr-13 20:36:27

Cjel: But she's not happy being his servant and having to beg for free time. She wants a night out, with her friend, and this man is trying to stop her from having the night out despite the fact that he has a regular social life.

Pandemoniaa Fri 12-Apr-13 21:16:10

I certainly wouldn't be offering to leave at 10 so he can go out after!!

No, neither would I. This way you are likely to get the worst of both worlds. You get to go out but only conditionally and with the added unhelpful factor of having to keep checking the time rather than just enjoying yourself. Also, if you aren't ready to come home at 10, you've already made an agreement that means you'll have to.

You need to nip this selfishness in the bud, OP. And I say this as someone whose ex-h's unreasonable attitude about my social life (such as it was!) was a contributory factor to me LTB. The more amenable you are, the more he'll walk over you.

cjdamoo Sat 13-Apr-13 13:12:37

Go out stay out and turn of your phone. He will cope. selfish bugger

AnyFucker Sat 13-Apr-13 13:48:15

Where is op?

yeah I would be saying "I haven't been out by myself with friends for X months. If you don't support me going then you should plan on not going out with friends for X months and I would have :that: look on my face."

zukiecat Sat 13-Apr-13 18:17:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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