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To think DH is being unfair?

(124 Posts)
Lambzig Wed 10-Apr-13 20:25:48

My close friend is having a significant birthday. She is having a night out to an event with friends, followed by a party the next day for adults and children in the afternoon.

DH and I are invited to both, but as we have 2DC, aged 5 months and 3, it's not easy for us both to go. A babysitter won't work as it is in another town.

Obvs we will go to the day party, but I asked DH if he would mind if I went to the night out. I very rarely go out in the evening, twice in the last year, whereas he goes out with mates at least once a fortnight. I don't mind as I see friends in daytime and weekends.

DH says that if we both cant go, then neither of us should go. I think this is unfair as he has lots of nights out compared to me. Also, he is not bothered about not going. I just think he doesn't want to deal with the DC by himself as I would stay in other town with friends, so he would have them on his own overnight. AIBU?

MadamFolly Wed 10-Apr-13 22:29:09

Why numberlock?

cjel Wed 10-Apr-13 22:32:32

Seems reasonable to me to buy tickets?

SolidGoldBrass Wed 10-Apr-13 22:42:46

Hmm. Be careful that it doesn't end up with you babysitting the kids in your friends' house while he goes out with the grownups.

squeakytoy Thu 11-Apr-13 00:26:44

Sorry but I am with numberlock there... not only is he now looking after his own kids (which yadnbu at all) but saying "well I am going, and you are now also babysitting my friends kids too" really is not going to go well..

He doesnt sound the type to find that a particularly appealing solution.

Just go on your night out, and let him look after HIS children, in the same way that you do it when he regularly has his solo nights out.

dadinthehat Thu 11-Apr-13 00:36:41

Chap here. Not read all of the thread but seen the last few.

I would go and leave him home. At the most perhaps all go for the day and he can drive home with the DCs and leave you to party.

dadinthehat Thu 11-Apr-13 00:36:48

Chap here. Not read all of the thread but seen the last few.

I would go and leave him home. At the most perhaps all go for the day and he can drive home with the DCs and leave you to party.

squeakytoy Thu 11-Apr-13 00:38:49

the night event is the day BEFORE the afternoon party

Cerisier Thu 11-Apr-13 05:16:13

Don't offer DH as babysitter to your friend. I would be furious if someone did that to me.

AllOverIt Thu 11-Apr-13 05:32:09

YADNBU to go out and leave DH at home with your own two.

YABU to offer up DH to babysit your friend's kids too without chatting to him first and he's okay with it.

That would seriously piss me off if DH did that to me.

Chottie Thu 11-Apr-13 05:44:21

I don't understand about getting DH to look after someone else's DC as well ??? I think this could seriously pee him off........ If he finds it challenging to look after his own two children, why would you arrange for him to look after more children (and without even asking him???)

Sorry if I have misunderstood your post !!!

YellowDinosaur Thu 11-Apr-13 06:38:35

I was fully outraged on your behalf and confident you were definitely NBU right up until your last post.

If you're going to stay with your friends, who would be getting a babysitter themselves otherwise, wtaf can't the baby sitter look after your 2 kids too so your dh can come too? YANBU to think that if you don't have a babysitter you get to go out while your dh looks after your children. You would still nbu if you were the one who went out every fortnight imho as it is your friend whose birthday it is.

You would be very unreasonable to expect your dh to baby sit for your friends too without asking him. If he struggles with the kids on his own anyway adding more into the mix, in a house that isn't yours, is going to make that a lot harder.

'I've bought my ticket as I assumed you couldn't possibly be serious that I should miss my close friends birthday celebration' fait accompli - totally reasonable. The above plus 'and we're staying with friend so you can babysit their kids too while we have fun without you' fait accompli - totally and utterly unfair and unreasonable.

pictish Thu 11-Apr-13 07:29:52

Agree with the others - definitely go, and sod him.
Definitely don't offer him up as a babysitter though.

Lambzig Thu 11-Apr-13 07:47:42

Oh I would definitely run it past him before offering him as babysitter, i would never do that, but I am pretty sure he will like that. Means all the DC will be in bed before we go out, he isn't bothered about missing out on the event and he doesn't have to get the tea and bath time, get them up and breakfasted in the car by himself. All he has to do is sit on the sofa But oBviously will suggest it first.

Don't think either of us would want to leave DC2 in particular with a stranger babysitter.

If he doesn't like the idea will just go by myself.

Numberlock, why the wrong decision to book a ticket.

Littleturkish Thu 11-Apr-13 08:00:25

Lambzig I think he NEEDS to do the bedtime prep himself.

He needs to father up.

You can't learn how without doing it- so he needs to do it!

travailtotravel Thu 11-Apr-13 08:02:53

Agree you should go as DH clearly being a bit of a prize tool about this one, but presenting a fait accompli is not the way IMHO.

If he had discussed an event with you, and you essentially said no, then he came home with the ticket for it saying I'm going anyway, well - there'd likely be a thread in Relationships and cries of LTB!

Please talk about this and make him see sense

Lambzig Thu 11-Apr-13 08:14:30

DH didn't say no, he just said "if we can't go maybe neither of us should" and "I am not keen on doing all that after a long week at work" and "seems a bit harsh on me" while I just kept repeating that I really needed a night out. He made a joke saying "what are you talking about, you have been out without me at least six times since dc1 was born" (actually its five). He said "it's up to you, but I am not keen".

It's usually how he gets his own way about stuff, but I decided to do this one anyway. Tickets aren't so expensive that if I don't go it's a lot of money wasted.

AnyFucker Thu 11-Apr-13 08:16:37

It would depend if the "no" pronouncement was reasonable, or not, I believe

AnyFucker Thu 11-Apr-13 08:17:44

Lamb, don't give yourself a get out clause not to go


melika Thu 11-Apr-13 08:25:06

It's great how you feel the need to 'ask' him if you can go out, but does he ask you? No is the answer, he probably announces that he is going out with the lads. Stand up and be counted, girl. It's your friend, say nicely that you are going and don't feel guilty about him looking after his own children, FGS! (Bad move is to ask him to look after someone elses).

Lambzig Thu 11-Apr-13 08:25:12

Travailtotravel, I am not so sure. I think if someone came on here and said. "DH wants to go out on his friends birthday in three months time. I said no because I am tired after looking after the kids all week. He said it was unfair and booked a ticket anyway. I am mad at him because he has been out twice in the last year already." They would get a bit of a kicking rather than a LTB.

Lambzig Thu 11-Apr-13 08:31:56

Well not so much of an ask as the invite came to both our phones at the same time. DH said it was a pity we couldn't go and I said "what if I went on my own".

Think you are right though, I will tell him tonight that I thought about it some more and really want to go, so got a ticket before they sell out, but lets think about what we can do to make the logistics work for him.

BegoniaBampot Thu 11-Apr-13 08:38:40

it's not about wanting. it's about doing it and then leaving him no say or choice that would cause the resentment. from your last post it sounds like he left it up to you anyway and didn't actually say no.

rustybusty Thu 11-Apr-13 10:06:24

They wouldnt get a kicking in that situation. Its 3 month time and if a wife said that I would think they were an extremely selfish person.

innermuddle Thu 11-Apr-13 10:09:32

I would definitely go, but wouldn't offer him as babysitter for your friends children, that seems a bit cheeky

SolidGoldBrass Thu 11-Apr-13 10:12:18

It sounds as though your H is accustomed to getting his own way by sighing, moaning and pity-posturing, and you've finally come up against something you really want to do. You nee to stand firm, as you are not his inferior/servant/mother and it's about time he put your needs and wishes ahead of his own just for once.

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