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To think DH is being unfair?

(124 Posts)
Lambzig Wed 10-Apr-13 20:25:48

My close friend is having a significant birthday. She is having a night out to an event with friends, followed by a party the next day for adults and children in the afternoon.

DH and I are invited to both, but as we have 2DC, aged 5 months and 3, it's not easy for us both to go. A babysitter won't work as it is in another town.

Obvs we will go to the day party, but I asked DH if he would mind if I went to the night out. I very rarely go out in the evening, twice in the last year, whereas he goes out with mates at least once a fortnight. I don't mind as I see friends in daytime and weekends.

DH says that if we both cant go, then neither of us should go. I think this is unfair as he has lots of nights out compared to me. Also, he is not bothered about not going. I just think he doesn't want to deal with the DC by himself as I would stay in other town with friends, so he would have them on his own overnight. AIBU?

rustybusty Wed 10-Apr-13 20:38:01

Why on earth are you asking him? Just do it.

StuffezLaBouche Wed 10-Apr-13 20:38:21

What an unbelievably selfish dickhead. Why can't he bear the idea of you going out and having fun without him?

SolidGoldBrass Wed 10-Apr-13 20:39:31

Yes, don't ask him tell him that you are going. She's your friend, and it's your turn for a night out.

Just wondering, though, is your H this selfish generally? Does he consider himself the person in the marriage, and you a facility he can make use of ie you do all the domestic work because he 'works hard' for a wage...

Lambzig Wed 10-Apr-13 20:40:09

Well he knows that our older DC will play him up terribly without me, but it will be fine.

Jinsei Wed 10-Apr-13 20:42:00

Wow! He is being incredibly selfish! Yadnbu!

Pollykitten Wed 10-Apr-13 20:42:58

for crying out loud, you don't need his permission! the day you've been out 25 evenings in a year (as he has) he might have the right to give you a sideways look, but this? come on, man up! just laugh at him, pat him on the shoulder and say "there there you silly man".

CloudsAndTrees Wed 10-Apr-13 20:46:55

He can say it's different as much as he likes. You don't have to agree and he doesn't have to have the final say!

It sounds like he needs the opportunity to deal with his own children anyway.

Lambzig Wed 10-Apr-13 20:48:27

He can be selfish, but is usually very cool with being told he is being selfish and tries to put it right.

I don't want to make out that I am downtrodden, it's just that most of my friends had babies all at the same time, three of us in the same week, so a lot of my social life is daytime with the DC and a good night out really appeals right now. It's not till July so he has plenty of time to prep, but tickets have to be bought now.

DH sometimes needs reminding that life at home with 2DC can be sheer drudgery at times and isn't all trips to the farm and coffee with friends

Viviennemary Wed 10-Apr-13 20:48:56

YANNNNBU. He is being really unfair and selfish. You both can't go because of childcare problems. He goes out on his own. Now it's your turn. And his arguments are really feeble.

Lambzig Wed 10-Apr-13 20:51:09

He is good with the DC, but does struggle with them sometimes and acts very put upon if I go and get a haircut (oh the sheer bliss of just walking down the high street without a baby in a sling and a toddler holding hands).

everlong Wed 10-Apr-13 20:52:35

Tell him he's BU and that you will going and go through with it.

Lambzig Wed 10-Apr-13 20:55:23

Thank you all, I am going to open the ticket site in another window. Maybe if I get the ticket and present it as a fait accomplish saying "of course I got a ticket, I assumed you were joking when you said neither of us should go".

Minibird Wed 10-Apr-13 20:59:21

YANBU! Book the ticket! book the ticket! Book it now!

ChasedByBees Wed 10-Apr-13 21:02:18

He's being massively selfish.

Euphemia Wed 10-Apr-13 21:04:49

We all struggle with the DC sometimes! But we just get on with it and do the best we can.

quoteunquote Wed 10-Apr-13 21:05:18

Well he knows that our older DC will play him up terribly without me

well then he better get practicing if he can't handle a 5 months and 3 year old, he is going to be totally fucked when they are teenagers,

sounds like he needs to get his confidence up, and he can only do that if he actually does parent solo occasionally,

Tell him to get a friend or a family member round to help, if he can't hack it(he can, he just has to want to) He has time to prepare he can make up some meals in advance,

It's 24hr, how would he manage if you dropped down dead and had to do it on his own for a life time.

What is actually worrying him, is he scared of them crying,

Point out when the DC learn he can be a comfort, then they will be far more confident with him in return, he has to face this fear or be an inept parent forever.

I bet if he did it, he would wonder what he was worried about afterwards.

Minibird Wed 10-Apr-13 21:07:01

Book TWO tickets and tell him you'll work something out, there's plenty of time. Then, if no sitter can come, go on your own (t'would be a shame to waste both wink

AnyFucker Wed 10-Apr-13 21:08:03

Don't ask again, just carry on regardless and go

I despise men who can't cope with their own kids. Pathetic.

CheckpointCharlie Wed 10-Apr-13 21:11:13

What AnyFucker said.

runningforthebusinheels Wed 10-Apr-13 21:13:47

God, yanbu. Book it!

marriedinwhiteagain Wed 10-Apr-13 21:17:42

Can you suggest he might invite his parents to help him? I think you shsould go btw.

Squitten Wed 10-Apr-13 21:21:11


I agree AnyFucker! Don't know why anyone puts up with that attitude

Lambzig Wed 10-Apr-13 21:24:47

Have booked a ticket.

He is more than capable but perhaps it is a confident thing.

Going to ask my friend if we can all stay with them. DH can babysit their DC too, and if the drinks go on afterwards we can swap (am finished by 10pm these days). That way they save on a babysitter too.

We can also help friends with setting up/shopping for the party the next day.

Either way, I am going

Minibird Wed 10-Apr-13 22:02:50

Good on you! Well done.

Numberlock Wed 10-Apr-13 22:09:25

Totally the wrong decision, sorry OP.

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