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Helping DP paying off old debt

(144 Posts)
KittenCamile Wed 10-Apr-13 19:58:22


I found out last year that DP owes £30,000 to his parents. The loan was taken against his house.

This loan was taken when he was married, he has since devoirced and kept the house (which was his and in his name) and got all of the debt.

So his parents are now talking about starting payments again (they stopped when he split with his ex as he couldn't afford the morgage, rent on a flat for him. Matinance and that).

We have been together 2 yrs and lived together 1. DP has no money, his expenditures meet his income, because of this I am the one currently saving so we can start ttc, I pay for food ect. THis I don't mind as I veiw it as a House hold income and when we have DC's that's how it should be. He sold the house but it made no money so none of the debt was paid off.

So my question is, AIBU to want to know who's debt it is (DP EXW was decleared banKrupt before they married) and what is was for?

Iam going to be the one paying it back as DP can't afford any extra outgoings. To me this is just an unbeliveble amount of money and I feel sick just thinking about it.

Will it make it worse if I actually end up paying for the big wedding the couldn't afford or the child they couldn't afford?

I don't see any other way, if his parents want the money back and he has none it is going to fall to me

Sorry about spelling, I'm dyslexic and on my phone (not that spell check helps as all the words look the same to me!)

whattodoo Wed 10-Apr-13 20:46:14

What was the original loan value? Has he paid any of it off?

How will you survive financially if you take maternity leave?

HildaOgden Wed 10-Apr-13 20:51:23

1.Do not marry this man until he clears his debt
2.Do not have a child with him,until he has cleared his debt.
3.Do not entwine your life with a man who runs up debts,bums off his parents and then leeches off you when they run out of patience waiting to be repaid.
4.Do not assume that love conquers all,it doesn't... not assume that he won't find another womans purse to dip into,if you close yours to him.

He sounds like a cocklodger par excellence.Don't fall into his trap.

Snazzynewyear Wed 10-Apr-13 20:53:00

I also don't understand where the money has gone. So when the house was sold, how much money did it raise and who got paid that? You said it 'made no money' so was he 30K or more in negative equity at the time of the sale?

Of course you are not BU to want to know more about the details of the debt. It is not your responsibility. I suggest that if your DP has no money, he is either going to have to look for ways to make more, or cut his income so that he can start paying his parents back even if that is in very tiny instalments - that should be his job not yours. I know what you're saying about family finances all being one, but that shouldn't mean you sacrificing your hopes and dreams to pay off his debts while he sacrifices nothing.

Asheth Wed 10-Apr-13 20:56:50

Are his parents asking for the money now because they know you have savings? Sounds very unfair that you should pay it. This should be between your dp and his parents. Nothing to do with you.

SatsukiKusukabe Wed 10-Apr-13 21:02:54

You were together a year before he told you he had 30,000 pounds of debt? And you want to pay it off? Why are you ttc with this person

duffybeatmetoit Wed 10-Apr-13 21:11:57


I made that mistake when I got together with stbxh. He had numerous loans, there were family issues. As I loved him and thought we were building a future together I suggested that I would pay the bills so that he could clear his debts and we could then start to do everything we wanted without any debts hanging over us.

I kept my side of the bargain, he didn't. There was always a reason why but he turned out to be a grade A cocklodger. He eventually walked out and as I made the monumental error of marrying him I am looking at the probability of losing half of the value of my assets. Which no doubt he will just piss away.

gloucestergirl Wed 10-Apr-13 21:25:45

Kitten I have been/am in a similar situation to you. I understand why other people who don't know your relationship will tell you to get out and don't pay off his debt. But you clearly want to remain with this man and want to have a child with him as you haven't even mentioned leaving him in your post.

My DH has a serious debt. It is about 20 grand and I have not and will not leave him as he made stupid mistakes when he was younger. We have a couple as friends and they have split up due to a situation very much like this, with a baby of under a year. Finanical problems are now the biggest cause of splitting up.

If you just blindly pay this debt you are setting your relationship up to crash and burn because you will be even sicker once you have paid off the debt and your other half takes you financial for granted for the rest of your relationship (and his parents!!!).

What I did was work out a budget for myself and DH. I wanted to know every last penny he owed and earned. He gives me ALL of his money after being paid except for an amount that we have both agreed as "pocket money". He had to get internet banking (what a fight that was) and I have access to it. We have 1/2 days a month of doing internet banking where everything is paid. He contacted all his creditors and discussed repayment. Basically he has acted like a child finanicially for years and if he wants me to bail him out then he has had to agree to some conditions. It has been a tough 6 months of sorting out his money problems and HE will be paying it off for years and years to come (200 quid a month for the next 6 years) - working an extra day a week to finance it. But together we have sorted out a future that means our family is financially secure and he is finally financially responsible.

How come your partner has no disposable income? Does he have a job? Can he get a second? What are his spending habits? He must be able to contribute something. Where do you live - can you move somewhere cheaper? Sell the car and use public transport? Can you speak to his parents about a long-term payment plan depending on the employment of your partner? You should act as the organiser, but make it clear that you are NOT going pay the debt.

Something this big needs proper planning and joint work. Without that there is no basis for a future, especially not if there is child involved. He will probably object to being treated like a child (men who avoid dealing with money problems are essentially trying to dodge acting as adults and will act like a willful teenage when told to clean up their act). But you have to be firm. I hope that you find some solution for your problem.

maddening Wed 10-Apr-13 21:32:43

You say the debt was secured on the house? Was that officially or just how they agreed it between themselves?

SatsukiKusukabe Wed 10-Apr-13 21:33:26

does he pay proper maintainance for the child he has? because just because you can afford a DC in your own doesn't mean you want that kind person as father to your child

maddening Wed 10-Apr-13 21:36:07

Oh and everything Gloucestergirl said to the letter.

What are his parent's repayment terms and if he submits and I&e to show how much he can afford then they should come to a repayment plan together.

OHforDUCKScake Wed 10-Apr-13 21:37:05

"I can afford DC and I have supportive family."

It sounds as though you're actually preparing for that.?

I dont understand why you have to pay off his debt at all. What do you think will happen if you dont?

LessMissAbs Wed 10-Apr-13 22:04:26

If the debt isn't secured, eg on a property and registered, it isn't enforceable other than as a personal obligation against the lender. ie your DP.

I'm a bit worried about the parents actually. Are they now insisting he pays it because they know hes onto a good thing by shacking up with you?

Do men normally come with 30k payments to be made on them?

Hes fathered one child which he doesn't pay for and possibly bankrupted one wife. Hes in debt to his parents who are trying to get an innocent third party to pay them money. What a charming family.

Walk away.

No, in fact, run away.

DontSHOUTTTTTT Wed 10-Apr-13 22:12:39

If you stay with your DP please see a financial advisor/solicetor and get all the information out in the open so that you both understand everything . You need to understand the nature of the debts and your current financial situation. You also should discuss both of your future expectations and document everything that you decide. Whether you decide to 'give' him the money or 'lend' him the money you should document it. If your DP loves you he should be happy to do this for you. It will help both of you to think about things and help bring things out into the open.
You shouldn't be embarrassed to discuss these things with each other. If you can't do it now then it doesn't bode well for the future.

SavoyCabbage Wed 10-Apr-13 22:19:48

If his income matches is expenditure he needs to get another job.

My dh had five jobs at once to put himself through university. Paper round, cleaning toilets, bookeeping, working in a crepe van and night shift receptionist.

Assuming of course he spends not a penny more than he needs to as he has such enormous debts.

Patchouli Wed 10-Apr-13 22:25:57

Does he have a child already? Or was that some sort of spousal maintenance?

teacherandguideleader Wed 10-Apr-13 22:34:09

I cannot believe you are even considering paying his debt off!

I say that as someone who has some debts. There is no way on this earth I would expect my partner to pay them off. They are my debts, caused by my own stupidity (well, I say stupidity - mental health issues contributed to my spending significantly but its no excuse).

There is no way I would consider bringing a child into the relationship unless the debt was paid off (which it will be very soon) as I do not want him to get lumbered with it.

Ouchmyhead Wed 10-Apr-13 23:28:14

Against most of the other opinions on here, but I have been in this situation to a lesser extent. My DP owed 15k on a loan he had to pay for the deposit on his house, this was all before he met me. After a year we decided to get a joint account, and use my wages to cover the loan repayments. I really had no issue with paying off 'his' debt, I love him, we are planning a future together (getting married in December :D) why wouldn't I want to help him? Its all worked out brilliantly, financially whatever we earn is 'ours'. For the past year ive been unable to wprk due to Crohns and he has fully supported both of us. My point is, it works both ways. You may be helping him with debt now, but in the future the future could easily turn and you'll need help from him. If you're relationship is as serious and committed as it sounds, I'm a big believer in trusting your partner and helping them with whatever they need.

Morloth Wed 10-Apr-13 23:36:01


Don't pay his debt, don't marry and for god's sake don't have a child with him.

Bloody hell.

lisianthus Thu 11-Apr-13 00:58:50

Sounds like a massive scam, really. He borrows money from his parents, has a lovely time spending it, then finds a nice woman with cash to pay it back for him. Sorry.

In the best case scenario, you will be stripping yourself of your savings just when you need financial security for your child, and you will have no assets or comeback if he decides to up and leave (not that he's adding much to the mix, but then you'll have taken an emotional hit as well as a hit to your financial security). His parents will be sitting there "all right Jack". Super.

Cerisier Thu 11-Apr-13 04:50:56

His track record on money and relationships is terrible. He has charmed you and deceived you.

You are being taken for a ride OP. Be very careful.

Lavenderhoney Thu 11-Apr-13 05:35:00

It is an unbelievable amount of money. I would be feeling sick too, op.

And thanking my lucky starts its not MY debt and all the work and savings and any cash from my family given to me wouldn't be used to pay it off. He took a year to tell you? He has lied to you as he didnt mind moving in with you doing all the paying and saving to ttc.

Do you really believe there is a loan? How did it pay these " instalments " before? Not that you should enquire as surely you won't pay it!

Do your parents know he contributes zero to current living situation and now has the balls to ask you to pay off his loan with his parents!!!! Are they really supportive of you having a baby with this man or have they always said they would support you in the past and don't know how willingly you would put yourself in a financially constrained situation with this man?

His outgoings exceed his in comings? Does he pay maintenance? Note that this cost will not go away and you will have years ahead of keeping him.

Oh, and your salary is not " household income" it's your salary and your money and he isn't contributing.

Sorry op, but I would finish the relationship. Or at least take off my rose tinted specs!

financialwizard Thu 11-Apr-13 06:11:40

I married and had a baby with a man who was in a similar situation op. only he told me his ex was the one who left him in financial strife. Less than 6 months after I had my son I found the truth and left but that was after I paid off 40k worth of debt.

Thirteen years later he is still spending money like water.

AnyFucker Thu 11-Apr-13 06:43:21

Don't be one of those people who will pay any price to be in a relationship

Anthracite Thu 11-Apr-13 06:51:56

You shouldn't even think about contributing to the load until you are married.

Why can't he pay any of it back himself? He has a duty to pay it back. He needs to earn more money or spend less so that the has the cash to pay it back.

Raum Thu 11-Apr-13 06:58:16

Not your debt to pay, it's all on him for not sorting it sooner.. This is why you never lend to family

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