Husband and Parents don't like each other and Husband refuses to go round(65 Posts)
Abit of a long story so please bear with me everyone.
My husband supports Spurs and my sister's husband and my mum support Arsenal. About 6 years ago Arsenal beat Spurs and my sister's husband phoned up my husband to tease him about it. My husband got annoyed and phoned up my dad. My dad started to get chest pains from the stress of it all and ended up in hospital as well.
Things for the next 4 years were very tense. My husband would go round but he didn't feel very comfortable as my sister's husband would continuosly make fun of Spurs in a direct way. My mum would join in as well.
For the last 2 years though things have got even worse. My husband refuses to go round and my mum/dad refuse to come round my house. I do still go round to see my mum/dad with the children (son 12 and daughter 9).
For my dads 65th birthday he never went and nor did I as things were very tight with money and we were expected to pay for the birthday party.
My husband will go round for Christmas Day to see them but that is all he will do. My mum refuses to phone him on his birthday and refuses to buy him a present as well. My mum will also refuse to buy him a Christmas present.
I also have a younger sister whose boyfriend has proposed to her and we had a get-together to celebrate this at her boyfriend's mums house. We were all invited but my husband refused to go as he didn't want to see my mum/dad so I ended up going on my own.
Now I am worried incase he doesn't come to the engagement/wedding of my sister. He says he will but I'm worried he will change his mind at the last minute.
I have spoken to him but everytime we end up arguing. I have also sat down and spoken to my parents but they tell me not to argue with him. I get upset because they get upset and I also get upset because I don't like arguing with my husband over this.
Any help appreciated.
Has anyone pointed out to any of them that it is only a fucking game?
Might help them get over themselves.
I dont think there's really anything you can do except ignore it and refuse to be drawn into it. Are you a peacemaker by nature? If you are then this advice can be hard to impliment.
Is there any way, when it all gets to you, that you can go sonweher quiet and imagine them all in silly little school uniforms squabbling it out between themselves (or some other equally silly scenario) so you can let your subconscious see how silly it all is and maybe have a wuiet gighle to yourself about it?
People who take supporting football teams to the point of disliking others for supporting different teams are fucking idiots. It's a game for fuck sake, A GAME! Get a bloody grip.
It is very easy -looking at some of the responses on here- to see how bullies get away with goading and provoking their victims for so long.
I don't think it is 'just football', in the sense that the BIL and mother have used football as a means to treat the OP's DH like dirt over an extended period of time. They could have decided to mock him about his hair, or any other trivial thing. The pretext isn't important, the mocking is.
I would try and get some assurances from BIL and your mother that they will make an effort for the engagement party/wedding so you can reassure your DH.
And I do think he deserves a bit more support from you over this.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
You know...after reading the last two posts and giving it a bit of thought...OP, is that actually going on here? Is there bullying? It's hard to judge fro an online post....are the two sides as bad as each other and refusing to back down or is it more than that? There's a fine line> My original reply was just concentrating on how this is affecting you - you don't seem to be ablt to get everyone to come to a resolution on this, though it seems you have at least attempted to remain neutral, but it is affecting your marriage...do you think your DH is actually being bullied unfairly when you step back from it all?
Why did your DH feel the need to phone your dad up during that first incident? Perhaps that might help us to see a more rounded version of the situation - it strikes me as a little odd...
We there other problems before this initial incident of teasing from your BIL?
Has your DH respectfully asked them to please stop but they ignore him? Does he sometimes initiate the teasing?
When you put this problem into the context of your family as a whole, how does it sit with you?
What is your view on trolls, goaders etc.
Do you tell your children to ignore those that call them names, to not engagewith them?
Do you agree with the posts that tell posters not to have anything to do with toxic parents/ILs?
If yes, that is what the OP's DH is doing.
People posting "it's only a game" type comments are missing the point, I think. The football stuff is a red herring, the larger principle is that her DH is constantly left out, isolated, disrespected, bullied, etc, and OP doesn't seem to care. If the genders were reversed MN would be telling the 'DH' to support his 'wife' against the toxic in-laws.
I know its bad form to bring up past threads from the OP but her family specifically her mother has not been nice to her DH, her, or her two children. She has written about this before too, and now bil will refuse to attend family events if her DH is there.
The wedding might have some major fireworks.
I feel very sorry for your DH. This started with a stupid argument about football, but it seems to me that it could have been about anything. Your family are a bunch of bullies and have decided to make your DH their victim.
They all sound like a bunch of idiots. Ignore them.
They are all as bad as each other.
Spurs and Arsenal are revolting clubs.
There's only one team in London. Chelsea.
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