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B listed for brothers wedding

(115 Posts)
jengeorge Wed 10-Apr-13 17:27:57

Hi, I am new to this and just wanted some advice please and views as Ive had 4 weeks of grief about my brothers wedding in the summer. Really unclear as what to do about it as it stands.

Some background. I have 2 bothers, we are not particually close and live 300 miles away. Neither brother has visited me in the last 8 years , and I have only seen them briefly at my mum and dads home. I do think there was ever a big falling out, we have all just lead very different lives and lived seperatly. I have been married 20 years, both brothers attended my wedding and I attended my first brothers wedding 21 years ago. Last time we are all together was for a golden wedding celebration 1 year ago.

Christmas time brother number 2 anounces he is marrying his GF of 18 years. March my mum tells me she has her invite. Three weeks later there no invite has appeared for me. After long phone calls it transpires my brother sent the email invite to a very old email address of mine( despite having used my current email for sending of photos in the last year). I then receive a email invite to the wedding reception at 3pm in a village hall. The wedding venue it seems only holds 20 people and me and my husband have not been invited to this. However my other brother and his wife and 3 children have all been invited to the wedding ceremony, for a pub lunch afterwards , as well as my godmother and my parents, and then on to the evening do.

I was really hurt by this and after much upset and tears , and my DH being mortified at being b listed decided we would have to decline the evening invite. There were many phone calls to brother and mum and dad to try and resolve this. Brother even at one point stated he was not accepting our not going as there would be " consequences" . . He has explained that the venue was picked in haste and they did not know it would be such a big deal for people wanting to be at the actual wedding. They feel that the evening reception is the highlight of the day and the wedding bit is just a formality.

I do know that my invite was different to my other family members as I have had my mum read out hers over the phone. She too has been very upset my this and my dad has even offered to give up his seat so I can go....obviously not going to happen. My brother will not admit that there was an a list and B list of invitees. He says he didnt think we would be going to come so thats why we were offered the evening invite only. He has since said that if it means that much to us ( which it does) being able to attend the wedding, he will somehow wangle it so we can be there. He does seem very concerned now as to what to tell people if his sister is not there.

On my last converstaion with my brother I asked then if he could send me and my husband a new invitiation and then we could put a line under the whole mess and start again. The converstaion ended with him laughing at me.

Oh Dear. What a mess. I do want to be at my brother wedding. I have asked if this anything do do with my SIL but appearenty not and she also has problems with having divorced parents who dont speak to other and are both invited and say they will not go if either of the others is there.

Am I being unreasonable in asking for a new invitiation ?

Seems we have created world war 3. I just dont know how 2 people in their 50s, both professionals with a reasonable amount of intellect having a low key informal wedding can have messed up and upset so many people. I say this as it appears some of my brothers friends and other realives invited to the evening only are upset. I have only heard this from my brother and have not discussed this with anyone other than my mum and brother involved, out of courtesy to my brother and SIL.

cjel Wed 10-Apr-13 20:48:40

I'd accept the new invitation, go and be happy and not get involved with any gossip about who else may or may not have been offended.

ceres Wed 10-Apr-13 20:49:19

i cannot believe people thnk the op is being unreasonable! this is her BROTHER'S wedding.

bloody hell - the complete uproar when childfree weddings are mentioned yet people see nothing wrong with this.

i must live in a paralell universe.

op - YAdefNBU. hope this gets sorted and you all enjoy the wedding.

Coconutty Wed 10-Apr-13 20:54:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JackieTheFart Wed 10-Apr-13 20:54:33


OP may well be concerned about how others see her and her husband at being b-listed - but clearly, the brother is also concerned about it otherwise he wouldn't be talking about 'consequences' if you don't go at all.

Coconutty Wed 10-Apr-13 20:57:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xales Wed 10-Apr-13 20:59:02

300 miles for an evening invitation. I know it is family but I don't think I would do that.

Would like to know what 'consequences' there would be.

ceres Wed 10-Apr-13 21:00:03

coconutty - i come from a family that is not particularly close. i don't see or pick up the phone to my siblings that often. but, like the op, there has been no falling out - it is just circumstances. the whole family has always attended significant events like weddings.

it might be cultural. i'm irish and don't bat an eyelid at childfree weddings - completely normal. but immediate family not being invited? beyond odd.

Xales Wed 10-Apr-13 21:01:38

I should point out I would rather not go to my sister's wedding at all if she ever had one.

Coconutty Wed 10-Apr-13 21:02:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IvorHughJangova Wed 10-Apr-13 21:03:13

I don't have much at all to do with one of my sisters and one of my brothers. When I got married I hadn't seen either of them for about four years though they're in touch with other members of the family. No fall-out, just not close. I didn't invite either of them to my wedding; not sure how they felt about that but frankly I didn't care then and I don't care now (still not seen them, been married five years nearly).

Just pointing out that the sibling relationship in and of itself shouldn't 'guarantee' a wedding invite. If there's no effort on either side then there's no real relationship. I don't think he's being unreasonable by only inviting you to the evening do and I don't think you'd be unreasonable not to go at all.

ChaoticTranquility Wed 10-Apr-13 21:03:56

I think it's unreasonable to expect someone to travel 300 miles just for a party, which lets face it is what the evening do is, the important bit is the ceremony. It's obvious that the brother expected them to do that as he mentioned consequences if they didn't go.

wizzler Wed 10-Apr-13 21:04:57

Sorry I think yabu. They have chosen to have a very quiet wedding and can only choose 20 people, you hardly see them and have said you are not close.
They have invited you to the evening which they obviously feel is the main event.
Understand why you are disappointed, but think you should suffer in silence so as not to upset everyone on their big day

Twentytotwo Wed 10-Apr-13 21:05:05

A civil ceremony for two people in their 50s who've been together for 18 years with a max guest limit of 18 is very different from most weddings. It sounds like the evening do is the main event. And I'd have thought that someone who found it so devastating might have seen either of the brothers concerned more than 'briefly at (their) parents' in the past 9 years.

Twentytotwo Wed 10-Apr-13 21:05:17

Sorry, 8 years.

Snazzynewyear Wed 10-Apr-13 21:07:15

OK, this bit here's the problem:

"The wedding venue it seems only holds 20 people "

Who on earth books a venue that small when they clearly have more family members and close friends? They have made a stupid decision there because it seems that is now causing grief with other friends and family members as well as the OP.

I can see opinions differ massively on this but I am in the camp of people who think you should always (except in cases of abuse etc) invite your siblings to your wedding. I also disagree that the ceremony is unimportant - if the bride and groom really think that, then I really don't understand why after 18 years together they are bothering to get married at all. They might as well have just thrown a party, and it would have saved (some) money and also bad feelings. Of course the ceremony is important.

OP, I agree with the poster who said asking for a whole new invitation is maybe over-egging things, but otherwise YANBU and your brother is being an idiot with his talk of 'consequences'. If you would like to draw a line under all this, I would agree to his suggestion that he will now make sure you can come, forget the 'new invitation' thing and go forward from there. However, if you decided to bypass the whole thing I don't think you'd be out of line.

And the idea of 'just going to the evening do' when it's 300 miles away is laughable. Evening invites have a place but it's not for people who are travelling that far.

Twentytotwo Wed 10-Apr-13 21:07:38

Do the couple getting married have DC? That would take up more of the guest list, as well as the fact that the bride's parents are divorced and presumably have partners.

ChaoticTranquility Wed 10-Apr-13 21:10:30

I don't care who people do or don't invite but to threaten consequences if you don't travel 300 miles for a party is unreasonable and ridiculous.

chocolatesolveseverything Wed 10-Apr-13 21:11:30

YABU. My brother's been married twice and I wasn't invited to either wedding. grin It didn't cause any kind of family row. He lives abroad and wanted both to be small occasions without fuss.

If the ceremony was bigger in this case I'd see the OP's exclusion as a snub, but not when there's only going to be 20 people there in total. Of course that's going to mean some close friends and family will miss out. Saying that though, 300 miles is an awful long way to travel for an evening do, so the brother threatening 'consequences' if she doesn't attend is VERY unreasonable. He can't have it both ways. If he and his wife-to-be want a very small ceremony, then they need to accept that some guests will choose not to travel a long way for just an evening do.

Twentytotwo Wed 10-Apr-13 21:12:51

I don't understand why people elope and have strangers as witnesses. I don't understand child free weddings and I don't understand weddings with people the bride and groom don't even know there because their parents invited them and Cousin Alan (second, twice removed) who saw the groom once when he was 6 months old coming with his wife and 3 DC because 'they're family'.

This isn't a big white wedding with hundreds of guests. It's an intimate affair with close family with a big do in the evening.

HappySeven Wed 10-Apr-13 21:16:11

Why do you want to be there? This is a brother who you don't see that often and aren't particularly close to. If the situation were reversed would you want him there in the top 20 people you are closest to?

Why not just attend the evening part and celebrate with him? This could tear your family apart and I really don't think it's worth it.

Twentytotwo Wed 10-Apr-13 21:19:50

I think their being 'consequences' to the OP not going because it's a long way for an evening do would be daft.

I think there being 'consequences' because the OP was pouting about not getting an invite to the whole day, her DH decided they wouldn't attend because he was 'mortified at being b listed' and her then involving their parents in her little drama would be understandable.

Let's face it, whatever happens now the whole affair won't be forgotten. If they weren't close before, turning what should be a happy event into a huge stressy drama is unlikely to improve things.

ChaoticTranquility Wed 10-Apr-13 21:20:52

Oh, I can understand why people elope. What I don't get is why anyone thinks that an invitation is the equivalent of a court summons, it isn't. Threatening people with 'consequences', whatever they may be, if they decide not to travel to attend a party, or even if they decide not to attend a wedding for whatever reason.

DeadWomanWalking Wed 10-Apr-13 21:26:35

I would have told him to shove the invite up his arse when he said there would be "consequences" to you not going. I wouldn't be going and I wouldn't be speaking to him either.

cees Wed 10-Apr-13 21:26:59

You didn't have a falling out and do see each other at family do's so why he would thinks it's ok to snub his sister is beyond me. You should of course be invited to the whole day.

DoJo Thu 11-Apr-13 00:07:03

YABU - he obviously wanted you there, but didn't think that you'd be so concerned about going to the actual ceremony. Now that he knows you are, he's trying to make it happen and you still aren't happy. It sounds as if the only person he's upset is you, but you have made a big song and dance about it and dragged everybody else in. Why are you so desperate to be at the ceremony if you haven't made the effort to see him for years? Should he and his partner not be able to invite someone they feel closer to just so that you can keep up appearances and pretend that family means more than it obviously does?

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