AIBU to think I should be able to discuss my birth w/o being called a show-off?(54 Posts)
Hey, I'm a first time poster.
I've just joined a few mother and baby groups after having my DD 9 weeks ago
because I'm going stir-crazy at home. Most have turned out well, but I had a bad experience at one and probably won't be going back.
I'm pretty sensitive about my birth still, although I realize I am pretty lucky at the same time (I had planned to have a hospital birth but ended up with an unplanned home birth because my DD decided to come extremely quickly, basically I started bleeding, walked downstairs my waters went and four minutes later she was delivered by my DM before we had time to phone an ambulance.) It was pretty scary because there was no-one with medical training there to help me, I was worried that my DD could be hurt, I didn't get to hold her properly until we were at the hospital because I was in shock, I ended up getting two 1st degree tears stitched without enough local anesthetic and I was hysterical because I have a pretty severe phobia of needles.
We were all sat around discussing our births because one of the women was due any day, they were being quite competitive, 'Oh, I had an emergency c-section,' and 'I was in labor for 29 hours' if you get what I mean. I mentioned mine and one of the ladies told me that 'no-one likes a show-off' in a jokey/serious kind of way. I explained that I knew I was lucky it was so quick but it wasn't the best experience because of the reasons above and was accused of being silly and asked why I got pregnant if I was scared of needles.
I'm pissed with myself too because usually I'd be the first to tell them to take a long walk off of a short pier, but instead I kept shtum. AIBU?
Lord, I thought you were going to say you'd gone on about how your hypno birthing and positive mental attitude resulted in your perfect birth! Your birth sounds traumatic. Ignore the nasties, don't go back if the group makes you uncomfortable, try a new one. There can be some very odd people at baby groups and some absolutely lovely ones.
Have to say, I feel for the other women.
My first birth was a horrible horrible 42hr process, and, to be honest, I was very jealous of anyone who'd had a short labour: as far as I was concerned, I got two days' worth of hell and they only got a few hours of it, so they were the lucky ones.
I know the OP's birth experience was horrible, but maybe the other women also had horrible births, births they truly consider worse than hers. I've been like this myself when around women whose births I'd have paid good money to experience (however inaccurate my perceptions of them were).
One more birth down the line I've come to realise that every birth is unique, and every mother's reaction to it is also unique. Now I just deal with my own feelings about my births and try to empathise with others regardless of my personal feelings about their experiences. Sorry if that sounds sanctimonious!!
OP - congratulations on your baby and I hope that you manage to deal with what happened. Sounds like you did great
Oh and Lynette - I love the shelling peas promise: makes me much more willing to discuss having a third with DH
Yanbu, and well done for getting out and about at 9 Weeks! I couldn't drag myself out til around 14 Weeks. Thankfully I've never met anyone that rude but as with all things in life there will be people you get on with and people you don't. Sounds like you're doing the right thing, just keep trying different groups. none of the mums I met would be dismissive/bitchy like that about someone's birth story, she's not the norm!
Maybe that's just it. Don't share, especially not with casual acquaintances, if it's near and dear to your heart.
To be honest I don't understand why people discuss their births. It is a very private thing and whatever happens in the labour room to me come August I want to stay between me, hubby and the midwives!
I wasn't there, but it sounds like you are taking it all way too seriously.
It's only competitive if you agree to compete. Otherwise it's just a conversation. I think I would have joked about the awfulness of it; how else can you put it behind you?
Only part I would hate was gory details with someone there who is due very soon. Agree about best to omit unpleasant truths around someone in that vulnerable state.
People also lie like mad - cousin was revelling in telling me about her perfect birth, most of the labour at home, went in, had baby, home in 6 hours - doing so at least partially to make me feel like shit since mine had gone so badly, and because she's so insecure she's only got bigging up her parenting and running down everyone else's to make her feel good (she laid into me for being a shit parent since I didn't read to my bump every night type levels of doing so).
I later got the full version of events from her fella - her birth was nothing like she liked to make out.
Quite why people feel the need to lie - apart from the obvious one of omitting gory details to save the feelings of women yet to go through it - is beyond me - but they do.
Welcome to the world of competitive mothering Gruffalo.
There are mothers out there who will compete about everything, believe me!
Avoid like the plague and try and find a like minded spirit so you can confide in each other, compare and advise.
Failing that just find one who enjoys long walks with cake at the end of it
But most of all enjoy each day with your new little DD. It really does go by too quickly.
There's no way to win with a birth story- either you're "showing off" or "scaremongering". All you can do is be honest about your experience, and it does seem to come up as small talk. I suppose you have to go through some version of it to be a mother, so generally there's something to say on the subject.
Mine was one of the long- drawn out types ending up with an emergency CS and other complications in Neo Natal/ HDU. Random strangers who came up and asked "did you have a good birth? were normally silenced by the succinct version "He came out of the emergency exit"
Don't let it put you off going to groups, I have made some great friends at them. sadly even the nicest people can't seem to help competitive birth stories, the more gruesome the better. Terrified me so much when I was pregnant and I was convinced all births where horrific. I am not allowed to mention mine. It was straightforward, I do try and tel my story to pregnant people to try and redress the balance after all the horror stories they have heard. But if I tell another mum I am accused of showing off. Made me a bit sad in the first few weeks when I wanted to talk about it, suppose in my case its fair enough. Yours sounds scary. Glad you are ok.
Having an unexpected homebirth sounds terrifying. And it's mean to be making comments like that when people are telling birth stories.
I think there should be somewhere women can unload about their birth stories. I needed to go over and over (mostly in my head) DC1's birth. It was long and hideously painful. DH and I were still traumatised when I got pg with DC2 3.5 years later. I've heard counselling is offered now...it wasn't 14 years ago, and I very nearly made a complaint against the hospital.
Giving birth to DC 3 was a walk in the park. A pain free home birth. Obviously nobody wants to hear about that. I certainly wouldn't soon after DC1's birth! But I think one thing which helped me was so many people telling me "baby 3 is like shelling peas." Positive thinking, and all that.
You see? I still feel the need to off-load now, years later.
I feel really sorry for the woman in the group who was still pregnant.
She must have gone home fecking terrified!
Evenin' Gruffs. These unexpected homebirths really are a bugger. Mine was 4am on the bathroom floor and bloody lucky he was that it was the floor and not round the U bend (I can be very athletic when neccessary).
All in all it took about 20 minutes from unexpected start to panic fuelled finish. He was delivered (all 9lbs 12oz of him) by my bemused and confused husband...which served him right as only 4 hours previously he had snuggled up to me and said "three weeks overdue is enough, I'll winkle the bugger out".
I am still dining out on the story...much to the eye rolling embarrassment of my now 38 year old son.
Congratulations on the birth of your lovely daughter and remember this...the first thirty eight years are the worst!
I never understand this. I've never had this sort of conversation with anyone.
YANBU. Who cares how you gave birth and whether it was quick or not?
I think everyone should be able to relate their birth and newborn experiences to a sympathetic audience and be listened to, why go to a group if not to be supportive of each other? I hope you find a nicer group, and no, I wouldn't bother going back.
I dislike competition when the situation should be one of mutual care.
FWIW, I kept quiet about my first experience for a long time.
Easy pregnancy with no backache or heartburn or blood pressure issues or nuffink. Reasonably quick labour of less than 7 hours, fine healthy baby who fed like a drain and slept for at least 6 hours a night until she was 6 weeks old and then went to 8 hours. Never possetted.
Can you see what a hate figure I could have been?
YANBU. I have been where you are and it's not very nice.
Some people are just horrible people, and pregnancy and early motherhood seems to bring out the worst in some people.
I had one normal birth and two traumatic births, one where DD nearly died, one where I nearly did and DS ended up with ptosis (droopy eyelid) but I would rather have that than what you went through. I was in one of those wonderful buildings they call a hospital. It is full of people who are trained and experienced to help and equipment to be used when needed to!!
I do consider myself lucky, we are all here and reasonably health.
No way would I have prefered the shock of a home birth, sudden and with no medical proffessionals to hand.
You poor thing. My friend had a fast labour, I said "good?" she shook her head. She was in shock.
YANBU. Fast births can be and are scary. And...if they were discussing birth stories,,well...you can discuss yours too! I had a nice, plain normal bir with dd3 (four hours, no stitches or tears, limited pain relief, no problems and went home quickly) which was the only birth which went happily for me I guess. I DF like people having competitive mystery (you Bly had to be resuscitated FIVE TIMES? And you think you're unlucky? I was resuscitated TWELVE TIMES!) or competitive amazing birth experiences...
Sorry you had a terrifying birth, it sounds so scary. That sounds really frightening! And congratulations on your DC (9wks to late I say that?)
Take no notice of the silly women. Fast births are horrendous particularly if its your first. I had both, my first was very long , episiostomy and ventouse delivery and second in under 2 hours. I was literally terrified, I couldn't understand why I wasn't coping as well with the pain second time around. The tear was worse for me than the cut and the shock after was scary. People should understand its not a bloody competition and as for people making comments over prem births being easier, how insensitive do u get!
I wouldn't go back to the group but that's because I can't be bothered to deal with the aspects of competitive parenting!
Well done to you and your dm for delivering your Lo safely.
I read your post and thought gosh that sounds quite frightening actually. Ignore the bitch. If it was just one woman who said it then I would give the group another go. People can be very insensitive and open their mouths before engaging their brains. But this seems to intensify around the subject of childbirth...
YANBU. When I read the thread title, I thought you were going to be some ultra-competitive type who'd given birth while doing pilates in a moonlit meadow . But clearly you're not showing off at all. Ignore them.
I had a bloody awful, long labour with DS but tbh yours sounding terrifying and much worse. Ignore them and congratulations!
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