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To think there should be a maximum visit length for your MIL

(67 Posts)
Frescolita Wed 10-Apr-13 12:32:29

Sooo...mine is here for 3 weeks, and I find 2 weeks completely sufficient to last the other 50 in the year. Am I out of line to think that there should be either a social etiquette max limit on visit length, or even better, a law?!

squeakytoy Wed 10-Apr-13 13:42:42

I am very lucky as I get on great with my MIL. She is a better mum to me than my own was.

I wouldnt have married my husband if I hadnt got on ok with his family though..

kerala Wed 10-Apr-13 13:55:31

Really? So if you met your soulmate but he had a rather odd mother you would have walked away? Sounds strange.

Startail Wed 10-Apr-13 14:04:03

Sadly my lovely eccentric DMIL is no longer with us.

She was welcome to stay as long as she liked.

It's my parents, who I love to bits, who must be gone in 3 days.

Partly not their fault as neither are in good health, but they didn't do much even when they were. Too much sitting about teamed with expecting proper meals and the house tidy!

DMIL liked walking, seeing things, eating in random cafes, didn't care about mess, wouldn't have cared about DDs being wild and was a bacon eating veggi who was happy with just about any eccentric meal you came up with.

She died leaving the hotel bar on a walking trip to Scotland 12 years ago and I still miss her.

CaptainSweatPants Wed 10-Apr-13 14:04:29

2 nights is all I can stand blush

TigerSwallowtail Wed 10-Apr-13 14:11:50

2 weeks shock? I'm with miaow in the 2 minute mark.

squeaky DP didn't speak to his mum when we got together so it wasn't ever an issue, but he's just recently started talking to her again which neither of us thought would happen.

EggsEggSplat Wed 10-Apr-13 14:13:29

Three or four nights max here. They are nice people really, but they do like their routines. And it becomes increasingly obvious after the first 24 hours that they don't actually much enjoy having children around, let alone our dog.

cardibach Wed 10-Apr-13 14:19:24

Not just mothers in law. I love having visitors but after 3 nights I want my house back! I couldn't cope with any visitor for 3 weeks! ILs usually stay for a couple of nights.

herethereandeverywhere Wed 10-Apr-13 14:23:17

I genuinely wish I'd thought harder about his family dynamic before committing to DH. His DSis is favourite (which he and his DB seem comfortable about) and whilst the constant pandering to and DH being told to look after her was a bit annoying it really didn't affect me. Now that the favouritism is being passed to the next generation though and MIL spends all her time with my DC talking about the GC she sees every day (X likes this, do you know what we did with X? X's favourite is that etc etc) My DC have almost no one to one time with the inlaws because SIL is ALWAYS about with her DC. His SIL hasn't even sent me a birthday card for the last 2 years despite her being my bridesmaid! I know where my DH gets the attitude that the whole world revolves around him because they're all the same. All selfish and self absorbed. Having children has brought this into sharper focus and I just wish I'd had a crystal ball to see it before I was so tied in. It causes real heartache to me and there is nothing I can do about it.

gail734 Wed 10-Apr-13 14:35:17

herethereandeverywhere - we're both going off topic, but I could have written your post myself! Having a baby has totally made me realise how self-absorbed DH is, as a result of his odd upbringing by MIL: baby is ill = DH really worried that he'll catch it. Baby throws up = DH puts her down and immediately runs off to get sick off his jumper. Baby happily banging a spoon on a table = being annoying, distracting DH from reading vital spreadsheets.

OP - my MIL once came to visit and said (read with strong Irish accent for full effect) "Give me a scrubbing brush and I'll give that kitchen floor a good clean for ya." Em, no thanks. Over two weeks is totally taking the piss for ANY visitor.

kerala Wed 10-Apr-13 15:06:53

That is sad hereandthere.

However it doesn't always follow that the adult DC will be anything like their parents/family. DH is so different to his parents (except physically) it is hard to believe they are his parents. Everyone who knows DH then meets his parents is shocked he is the direct opposite of them in every way (hence why he doesn't get on with them). They are timid and conformist he is confident and open minded. They are not educated and are suspicious of well educated people he went to Cambridge. He is emotionally intelligent and good at communication they go into long silent huffs for reasons never disclosed. It goes on and on. They dont know him at all. There is one food stuff he cant stand, and has never eaten. MIL brings that as our gift every time they come to stay. I swear he was found under a gooseberry bush.

gail734 Wed 10-Apr-13 15:23:33

Kerala, I am dying to know what the one foodstuff is!

kerala Wed 10-Apr-13 16:24:41

Coffee! He hates the taste in any form. So for the first visit we get a... pack of coffee. The next visit she cake. Next visit pack of coffee again. Its just so weird.

Frescolita Wed 10-Apr-13 17:19:19

Wow herethere...i hadnt looked at the other side of ILs ignoring/slighting my DC. That would hurt!

Badguider- our flat is a 2 bedroom one. DC is in with us, ILs in the 2nd bedroom. However space is not the main issue, more communication/lack of it.

And dunno about other houseguests, nobody else has ever tried to stay as long.

DXBMermaid Wed 10-Apr-13 17:48:09

We decided that two weeks is the maximum for any visitors. My mum stayed for a month and it was too long for all of us.

The idea of my IL's staying a month is enough to scare the hell out of me. They are lovely people, but just not great guests. They are quite passive, especially Fil and Mil won't do much in terms of helping out as she is afraid of getting on the way. Which I think is a bit of a cop out. Especially as during their last visit I was about 5 months pregnant and clearly could do with some help...

donotshoutatmummy Wed 10-Apr-13 18:00:14

Mine are coming for two MONTHS. Yes they live a very long way away and their trip here involves a 24 hour flight, but two months feels like a very very very long time. Takes a lot of wine

ElaineVintage Wed 10-Apr-13 18:02:59

Yes!!! 2 days max, and for us that will be at a hotel nearby. Can't be doing with my MIL's smothering ways.

Last time we visited them she came into our bedroom (their room as they let us sleep in there) at 6am and took our DS away to her husband in the spare room without evening asking if it was ok!!! Even tho we were up and playing with him, It completely stunned the both of us! After that and a year of bizarre behaviour since he was born, we will never stay in their house again but a hotel and the same goes for when they visit us. It's been my insistence and DH has agreed it's for the best. Seriously tho, I have so many other instances of oddness and downright rudeness that it's all tipped me over the edge! Enough is enough, time for us DIL's to stand up and say exactly how we feel and how it will be.

Sorry for the rant smile


GlaikitFizzog Wed 10-Apr-13 18:06:12

I had mil to stay for one night recently, one night and I could not have managed anymore. In fairness to me, neither could dh!

Snowflakepie Wed 10-Apr-13 18:24:26

2 nights at the most. I like my in-laws a lot, they are kind, generous and adore my DD. But they take up too much space, expect to be entertained and require me to be clothed at all times, shut the bathroom door and not do any washing as I have nowhere to dry it if they are in the spare room unless the sun is out, which is not often. I am 30 weeks pg and need to do my own thing, but actually this was the case even before. The biggest issue is only having 1 bathroom and toilet, which makes things very hard if DH has to be out for work, DD preschool, me wanting to look halfway decent all in a short time, plus visitors. Recently they stayed an extra night owing to the weather (which I completely understood, I wouldn't have wanted them to travel when there was no need) but I was climbing the walls for that extra evening and morning. Danced a little dance when they finally left, and then got the washing on.

I have even written some visitor guidelines for when DC2 arrives as I am not putting up with the open-ended visits we suffered through with DD. To me it is even more important that I do things my way this time. Whether I will have the guts to implement them is another issue. But there's just not the space in our house for visitors and a newborn, especially in the stressful early days. Once DD is out at preschool I will want to be able to relax and rest when I can, and not have to be at their beck and call as well. I can't sleep with the TV on in another room, and I don't want DDs routine disrupted any more than it needs to be. So they will be sitting about getting in my way, not helping at all. No thanks.

I should add, this all applies to my own parents too. I like my own space, simple.

idiuntno57 Wed 10-Apr-13 18:26:01

mine lives too close to stay but ideally I'd stick to enough time to have a cup of tea (got to be polite) and then wave goodbye for a month or two.

Shame I don't live in an ideal world grin

MiaowTheCat Wed 10-Apr-13 18:56:18

snowflakepie I thought I'd do the same with DD2's birth - have a "no one is staying in a hotel twiddling their thumbs for a fortnight waiting for me to push" deal going and get a week or so before the visits started (MIL rolled in mid-birth with DD1)... went into early labour, and suddenly mysteriously (I strongly believe my mother - who is more difficult than MIL but who DD1 knows better and who lives nearer to us so was watching her -rang her and tipped her off) MIL is "just passing by your house and going to pop in overnight" in an email to us the same day.

They don't even live ON the UK mainland to BE just passing by! Sooo pissed they basically did that to us to get to do what THEY wanted and not a thought for what WE wanted (I was unpacking hospital bags in the kitchen post-discharge and they showed up and ignored me totally playing grannyzilla).

Then she gives us a card saying "thank you for giving ME a wonderful grandchild" - me me me me me... I hit the roof at that point (thankfully after they'd left)

BerthaTheBogCleaner Wed 10-Apr-13 19:09:37

3 nights, max, even for my best friends.

And never mind guests, it doesn't take long for me to get fed up with the people who live here, either. Dh has spells of working from home and oh, it's so nice when he goes back to the office. And school holidays, aaagh ...

I lay on the living room floor today and listened to the silence. Bliss.

BerthaTheBogCleaner Wed 10-Apr-13 19:12:51

For relatives you don't get on with that well, I reckon living about an hour away is optimum.

Too close for any unannounced visits (unless you're Miaow's MIL).

Not far enough for anyone to need to stay overnight, and if you work at it you can get away with an afternoon visit and no meals.

And then you can not see them for a couple of months because "oh we all live so close, we can see each other any time, oh look 3 months have passed, doesn't time fly".

LindyHemming Wed 10-Apr-13 19:18:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LindyHemming Wed 10-Apr-13 19:19:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Wed 10-Apr-13 19:20:56

My parents (who I love) generally stay for a week max. Longer than that they are going spare with the kids and I'm itching to get my home back. And that's my own parents. Having said that they visit quite a number of times per year - if it was an annual visit I might think differently.

My MIL now lives about 30 mins away making visiting little and often a more viable and attractive option.

Who was it said "Houseguests are like fish; they smell after 3 day"? grin

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