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To not want this child to come on holidays with us

(839 Posts)
arabesque Wed 10-Apr-13 11:08:07

A group of girls I used to share a house with years ago have arranged to go on a reunion weekend to the West of Ireland in June. The plan was to book into a nice hotel, and spend the time relaxing, having nice meals and a few drinks and catching up and reminiscing. However, one of the group has now asked if its okay to bring her six year old daughter as her husband wants to play in a golf tournament that weekend. A child hanging around is going to completely change the tone of the holiday imho. I haven't spoken to all of the group yet but the two I have been in touch with are not too keen either.

AI (or we)BU to think of saying that we'd prefer if it was kept to adults only as it's the first time we've all been together in about ten years?

JenaiMorris Wed 10-Apr-13 11:47:37

Is it was the case that there really wasn't an alternative (and even single parents can sometimes call on family or indeed the child's father) then it would be awful to exclude her. It would change the dynamic yes but it doesn't have to absolutely ruin the holiday.

However this woman's husband (making yet another assumption - that this isn't some great golfing career pinnacle that could never, ever be repeated) is an arse.

I think I'd be a bit torn actually - do any of you know him? If he really is that dreadful this might be the only nice thing she's managed to do for her for a long time. In that case it would be a real shame for her friends to exclude her when she needs them most.

Lottashakingoinon Wed 10-Apr-13 11:48:35

I think you are being the very opposite of unreasonable and on the face of it her DH is being a twat of the first order.

And although I can obviously appreciate that you don't want to upset your friend, I would counsel against being so gentle with her that the message is unclear and she ends up schlepping DD along (POOR DD!!) anyway. I think Teeb has got it about right but I just think that somewhere in there you (and the others) should say that it really is NOT going to work to have a little one there. In other words lay it on the line: don't 'suggest'...that's the problem with suggestions...uptake is optional!

ENormaSnob Wed 10-Apr-13 11:50:04

Yanbu at all

Lottashakingoinon Wed 10-Apr-13 11:50:42

Oh and please let us know how it pans arabesque [unbelievably and unjustifiably nosey old cow emoticon]

Crinkle77 Wed 10-Apr-13 11:51:03

I feel a bit sorry for her. Her husband sounds like an arse and he has put her in an awkward position. She needs to put her foot down and say to him look I organised this trip first so if you want to go on your golf tournament you should arrange child care.

Lottashakingoinon Wed 10-Apr-13 11:53:16

You are absolutely right Crinkle but I just have the horrid feeling (probably totally out of line here, but hey, it's Weds, I'm entitled grin) that her DH thinks he HAS arranged childcare, ie said that she has to go on the girly weekend!

pigletmania Wed 10-Apr-13 12:49:00

Yanbu she should not come if sh cannot find childcare. I can't imagine it's going to be fun fo the child ether

UtterflyButterfly Wed 10-Apr-13 12:52:11

YANBU. Aside from anything else, what fun would it be for the 6 year old (unless she's very precocious!) to spend a weekend with a group of adults?

manicinsomniac Wed 10-Apr-13 13:15:25

Another YANBU from a lone parent

BUT - if your group of friends are anything like mine it's quite rare to get a whole group of old housemates free on the same weekend. So, if it was a case of the child comes or the woman doesn't, I'd take friend-with-child over no friend.

Her husband should have the child though!

wigglesrock Wed 10-Apr-13 13:27:40

YANBU and to be honest if I was one of the others in the group and the dd was coming I'd pull out. I have 3 children and wouldn't be spending money on a weekend away that had changed from only adults to adults and a 6 year old. I'd rather spend the money going away with my own family.

LifeSavedbyLego Wed 10-Apr-13 13:30:08

This is her husbands problem surely?

He needs to
A)find a babysitter
B) cancel the golf or
C) take his daughter with him

It isn't her problem and it sure as hell isn't your problem.

quoteunquote Wed 10-Apr-13 13:30:24

Just say No,

She and her husband need to sort their child care out and not expect to inflict their child on someone else leisure time.

It totally changes the tone having children along,

I love doing things with children, which is good as I spend the majority of my life in the company of children,

But when on those very rare occasions, something is arranged that does not include children, I admit I do resent it when someone puts their need to join in with child/children in tow over everyone else's need to have an adult break.

A couple of years ago, a bunch of us booked the youth hostel at Tintagel for an extra long weekend, for a very rare catch up on old times, take long walks, generally kick back relax, one of our dear friends, kept asking if she could bring her toddler, and young children, her husband wanted to take part in an activity, we kept saying no,

you only have to look at the Tintagel youth hostel to realise why it would be an extremely bad idea, ten feet from the front door there is a hundred foot straight drop into the sea, we all explained why it would be a very bad idea,

She turned up anyway children in tow, she had a terrible time, everyone else trying to accommodate her had a terrible time, children had a terrible time as everything was not geared to them, because it is not a suitable place for small children.

Everyone who has children has to suck it up at some point, that what you do, you don't decide you are entitled to inflict your children on other people adult leisure time.

Just tell her she will have much more fun and relax more without a child in tow, and to find some child care.

arabesque Wed 10-Apr-13 13:36:57

Two of the others from the group have been in touch and both are absolutely adamant that NO WAY is she bringing her daughter. One of them, who lives near this girl. reckons the husband and golf thing could be a bit of an exageration as anytime she's arranged to meet her for a catch up the child is brought along as well.
Basically, I think she's using the golf tournament excuse to manipulate us into letting her bring her little girl so, on that basis, I actually don't feel as bad about saying 'no'.
I'm going to compose a draft email and let the others have a look and add their tuppence halfpenny worth, and then send it.

LadyBeagleEyes Wed 10-Apr-13 13:42:46

let us know the outcome, won't you OP.

Lottashakingoinon Wed 10-Apr-13 13:43:55

reckons the husband and golf thing could be a bit of an exaggeration as anytime she's arranged to meet her for a catch up the child is brought along as well. Basically, I think she's using the golf tournament excuse to manipulate us into letting her bring her little girl

In which case I retract some of my snarky comments about her DH!

Good luck OP!

arabesque Wed 10-Apr-13 13:46:02

I will LadyBeagle.

doublecakeplease Wed 10-Apr-13 13:47:55

I'm glad that your friends are on board too - no way should she be bringing her! I'd be tempted to ring rather than email to avoid any misunderstanding.

Quote - i am astounded at your friend - poor kids and poor people who spent the holiday with them!

There really is no compromise here - the child my well be lovely but its not a children's holiday!

HeadfirstForHalos Wed 10-Apr-13 13:51:35

Good luck! It does sound like she wants to bring her dd than like she has to.

doublecakeplease Wed 10-Apr-13 13:52:24

Posted too soon. There are lots of women like this. My 10 yo niece has always been taken along to girly days with her mum. Talking to her is like talking to a 25 year old - she's all about diets, men being crap etc. Far too grown up imo. Parents and kids need time away from each other. Hope you can manage to sort it and have your lovely adult break

Gerrof Wed 10-Apr-13 13:55:04

I agree with the others - and glad that your other friends are in agreement.

I would change the whole weekend. It's not selfish to want a break away from the children. Especially other people's children fgs.

Gerrof Wed 10-Apr-13 13:55:17

IT would change the whole weekend.

TheSecondComing Wed 10-Apr-13 13:56:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TimeIsACurrency Wed 10-Apr-13 14:04:14

It's not fair for them to expect you all to fork out for a weekend away, then spend it with someone else's 6 year old. You're right, you'll all be restricted.

Maybe just play up that it's a big deal to you all to have some girly catch up time without your DP's and kids, and it's not an appropriate time or place for bringing her child along.

Hope she takes it ok OP!

hairtearing Wed 10-Apr-13 14:19:49

I was getting for thinking YABU,

but no YANBU, won't be fun for the child or the adults.

DisorganisednotDysfunctional Wed 10-Apr-13 14:42:55

No, YANBU. Your friend is being very cheeky. She needs to sort out childcare with her DH, or not come at all.

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