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To think my husband has attention deficit disorder

(43 Posts)
brummiegirl1 Tue 09-Apr-13 23:33:20

I'm really worried about my husband but also am finding it really difficult to live with him. I don't mean that in a way that i don't love him but i'm starting to wonder if he has attention deficit disorder (not a problem if he has but need to deal with some issues)

For as long as we have been living together he does things that have driven me mad to be honest, for example i came home one day to the hot water tap left running in the bathroom, it must have been runnung for at least 3 hours. He is always continually leaving the front door open when he comes in and the worst was the other morning i came downstairs to the front door open so it must have been open all night. I went mad at my husband as we have an almost 3 year old and i just thought what would have happened if he had got up in the night while we were sleeping. He also left the side gate wide open the other day so anyone could have walked into our back garden. He doesn't fully turn taps off so they are always trickling so i turn them off and to be honest it's tiring having to feel that i have to check everything myself. He leaves cupboard doors and drawers open.

It is making me start to feel that it is more than simply just forgetting, he puts it down to stress but i'm not so sure. He is diagnosed as dyslexic. The thing is all of these things are making it difficult to live with asi feel i can't relax in my own house and have to keep checking things are secure. I brought this up to my husband in a calm manner and he went mad at me and went funny. I said that i wasn't being funny i meant it in a way to help. He has always said he struggled at school.

Not really sure what else to do as it's a conflicting issue. Obviously i want to be there for him but i don't want my safety or more importantly my childrens safety compromised with the house not being secure.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Tue 09-Apr-13 23:43:08

ADD doesn't make people act in the way you describe...

BodaciousTatas Wed 10-Apr-13 03:55:07

My adult brother has ADD, diagnosed at age 12, he does none of the above. He drives his wife insane from time to time in other ways but he is not forgetful.

TheRealFellatio Wed 10-Apr-13 04:02:46

My son has mild ADD and mild dyslexia but not ADHD - he isn't hyperactive, although he can have some hyperactivity traits - particularly verbally, and if he's over-tired he gets more excitable, not less.

He definitely does do all of the kinds of things you describe. He forgets to flush the loo, turn off lights, close the car door, close the fridge, turn off taps etc. It's very typical - for him at least.

These days they tend to have one diagnosis of AD(H)D and the H is in brackets because not everyone has the hyperactivity or the impulsiveness. Often it's merely an attention or concentration issue alone, hence the forgetfulness. Not every AD(H)D person presents in the same way.

vivizone Wed 10-Apr-13 04:03:20

I don't think he has the symptoms of ADD. Could he be very stressed - how long has it been going on for?

How about writing a checklist that he needs to check every day and tick off stuff that needs doing.


Doors and windows locked before bed
Appliances switched off
Check taps are turned off

Trouble is, he has to remember to check the list.

TheRealFellatio Wed 10-Apr-13 04:05:49

I think the question to ask is has he been like this his whole life or is it a recent thing? I am no doctor but I am not aware that this can suddenly come on well into adulthood. Unless his mother says he's always been like it (to an excessive degree rather than just 'normal' sloppiness) then I would ask the GP to look for another explanation.

vivizone Wed 10-Apr-13 04:05:51

This is off topic but I was wondering if someone could confirm if ADD and Dyslexia go hand in hand. is it common to have both?

TheRealFellatio Wed 10-Apr-13 04:08:45

Yes it is very common, but not a given. Dyspraxia is often in the mix as well.

vivizone Wed 10-Apr-13 04:23:30

Thanks The RealFellatio. I am Dyslexic (I was tested at Uni) but have always suspected I have mild ADD as well.

I have also been told I cannot be Dyslexic because I can spell pretty well/read extremely well - but to my understanding, Dyslexia is more than that, right? wide spectrum of issues. I find it difficult to explain it to people when they think it's just a reading/spelling problem.

TheRealFellatio Wed 10-Apr-13 04:30:35

My son reads just fine but his spelling is abysmal and his handwriting is dreadfully slow.

TheRealFellatio Wed 10-Apr-13 04:32:37

Although in all honesty I am not sure how, if you spell well and read well you are dyslexic! But I am not an expert by any means.

MooseBeTimeForCoffee Wed 10-Apr-13 04:50:20

My husband is dyslexic and highly intelligent. He was assessed as part of getting assistance for his OU studies. The assessor was surprised at how dyslexic he was but more amazed with his strategies for getting round it.

I don't think my husband has ADD. He pays too much attention if anything.

TheRealFellatio Wed 10-Apr-13 05:19:12

The thing is, there are many crossovers with all these conditions - someone with AD(H)D can also display obsessive traits or attention to detail but only for certain topics/interests, like someone on the autistic spectrum. It's very hard to say someone behaves like this therefore they can't possibly have X but they definitely have Y.

My son can talk for hours at length about on certain niche topics and yet struggle to remember his own date of birth or phone number. He's 13. confused

TheRealFellatio Wed 10-Apr-13 05:24:53

He can also bore you for hours debate philosophy or religion (his current pet topic) in a way that is surprisingly impressive for one so young, but he still cannot remember his times tables beyond the easy ones like 2, 5 and 10. His neural pathways get all muddled and he just can't retain the number strings because he can't picture them as a visual story. The only reason he can recite the easy ones is because he can add them easily and logically as he goes along.

But I am exactly the same. I like to think I could have ocnquered the world if a diagnosis of AD(H)D had existed and medication dispatched forthwith when I was a child! I am typical of an intelligent, dreamy, procrastinating under-achiever, and unfortunately for him, so is my son!

Isityouorme Wed 10-Apr-13 07:40:31

My friends husband does similar things but he is just a lazy selfish twat....

HermioneHatesHoovering Wed 10-Apr-13 07:43:56

As the mother of an ADD and an ADHD son I would say this is not typical behaviour of an AD(H)D sufferer.

shellbu Wed 10-Apr-13 07:47:30

it sounds more like a dementia thing to me , get him to the doctors if its not that then like you say hes a bloke so probably just being a thoughtless lazy twat and knows you are going to run round after him turning things off and locking up .

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Wed 10-Apr-13 07:49:59

What lovely kind responses

Cristiane Wed 10-Apr-13 07:52:23

My ex h has been diagnosed with bipolar and ADHD

He finds it impossible to hold things like pick up times for school in his head. He obsesses about the latest technology or phone or whatever that will improve his 'productivity'. He has left things burning on a stove and gone out. Forgotten to take kids to appointments whilst reminded 3 times in the morning. Finds it hard to hold a job down. Messy. Cannot plan give a few days ahead. Forgets birthdays. Lives for the moment. Takes money and spends what he cannot have because in some future time he believes he can pay it back. He's not malicious just useless.

When I sent him back to be looked after for a while by his parents he said he would do whatever it took to keep our family together. Within 4 months he had left and now he has a new girlfriend. They have been together 2 months and she has decided not to move back to her home country because it is true love hmm

lotsofdogshere Wed 10-Apr-13 07:53:54

He may just not put the emphasis on door/gate safety that you do, which is very irritating, but probably liveable with, especially as you love him. You say he struggled at school, and has a diagnosis of dyslexia. My understanding is that dyslexia is often associated with disorganisation, being forgetful and a bit chaotic. It may be worth you both reading more about dyslexia. If he was diagnosed when at school, it must have been clearly dyslexia, as so many people get into higher education before it's picked up.

Badvoc Wed 10-Apr-13 07:54:59

My dh does this, and does not have ADD.
I think perhaps you do not understand what ADD is op.
I do drives me loopy.
He leaves taps on on.
Doesn't flush the toilet (gross).
Puts empty packets back in the cupboard/fridge.
I could go on....
Has he generally become more forgetful recently?
Or has he always been this way?
It's true that people with dyslexia can struggle to organise their thoughts, but there is stuff you can do to help. (Mother of a severely dyslexic ds)
Check for brain training exercises (yes I know but they really work!) and also a very good quality omega oil supplement like vegepa.
If he wants to improve his reading/writing then check out as 80% of literacy issues are due to tracking visual convergence issues.
Hth x

purrpurr Wed 10-Apr-13 07:56:41

Hate to say this, but is it possible that he is just that lazy that he really doesn't care? One major sign that there is still a deep gender divide in modern times is that an awful lot of adult men have been raised to look to the woman in their life to do the thinking, still. Whether that is assuming that the woman will make sure the house is locked up at night, the freezer has food in it, there's a card and present bought for an upcoming relative's birthday, etc. Everything that could be put under the heading of 'Mind-numbingly boring daily life administration' or, in short form, 'Boring Shit That Is Below The Menz'.

Sorry if this is inappropriate and he's nothing like the above.

lougle Wed 10-Apr-13 07:57:13

" if its not that then like you say hes a bloke so probably just being a thoughtless lazy twat and knows you are going to run round after him turning things off and locking up ."
Nice sweeping statement there hmm

It does sound like he is preoccupied as he does tasks. Does he have any issues with drifting off in conversations, for example?

My uncle is terrible at conversation. Within a minute or two he is daydreaming and he changes subjects when he hears trigger words. I'm quite blunt with him now, which helps.

lougle Wed 10-Apr-13 08:01:53

purrpurr, my DH has some issues, which I won't go into on this deeply disrespectful thread, but he is the one who locks up each evening, notices that staple foods are running out and replaces them, etc. That doesn't detract from his issues, but I think it does a huge disservice to men who may have diagnosable difficulties but were raised in an era when diagnosis was not common.

lougle Wed 10-Apr-13 08:03:26

I also think it is very damaging for parents of boys currently diagnosed, to read this sort of attitude about men with difficulties. What hope of a normal life?

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