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To want to kill colleague who says 'reach out' instead of 'contact'

(189 Posts)
Themobstersknife Tue 09-Apr-13 22:00:46

I know I am, but just back from mat leave, the bastard has done a land grab and now I want to kill him, especially when he says crap like this!

hortensemancini Wed 10-Apr-13 10:15:55

I like 'reach out' and 'circle back'. I'm imagining the whole office doing a Westlife-style bar-stool dance with lots of impassioned air-grabbing.

HavingAnOffDAy Wed 10-Apr-13 10:17:21

Haha, I came back from mat leave to find my new boss saying this, and also 'engage with' instead of speak to.

Why why why?????

Themobstersknife Wed 10-Apr-13 10:38:57

I have to say I am guilty of using some of this tosser speak myself! blush
I still want to kill him though!

Scottishtanguera Wed 10-Apr-13 11:23:58

Some of these have left the realms of patronising or pretentious and are just outright nonsense - "low hanging fruit"??? Wtf is that? "Blue skies thinking" - what??

Oh, one other I forgot - our systems dont have functions - they are 'functionalities', dont you know. As in, "the new system has the functionality to produce blah blah". Like "utilise", totally uncessary when "use" will suffice nicely and only extended to make the user sound clever(I suspect).

I need to consider self-employment before someone gets hurt....

RandallPinkFloyd Wed 10-Apr-13 11:24:20

Please tell me you don't box things off.

It gives me actual genuine rage.

slug Wed 10-Apr-13 11:56:24

We used to have American suppliers for one of our major IT systems. Every time they used "reach out" they were met with a barrage of laughter and mockery.

Mandy2003 Wed 10-Apr-13 11:58:16

Oh God yes! Whenever ebay screw up and they have to do an on-site announcement/apology they always say they will reach out to those affected. Aaarghh!!

MrsEricBana Wed 10-Apr-13 12:06:09

Dh does this to me AT HOME (I have to remind him that I'm his wife not one of his team). Grrr

EffieTheDuck Wed 10-Apr-13 12:16:35

Recently, someone said that they would 'touch base' with me and some other shite which I assumed meant pencilling in a date for the diary. Turns out I assumed wrongly because I had no idea wtf he meant.

I'm going to start using mn terms.

"Red rug on that deal".
"Soupy has flagged up".
"Let's opt for the cutted up pear".

Scottishtanguera Wed 10-Apr-13 12:17:46

"reach out to those affected" - like we are destitute survivors of some cataclysmic event and not just.....customers.

I need to get off this thread, it's giving me rage.

EuroShaggleton Wed 10-Apr-13 12:21:58

I work for a US firm. I've heard so much of this I'm immune to it now. I also have to spell things incorrectly to suit them. <cries>

Sleepysocks Wed 10-Apr-13 12:28:42

Also creating 'synergy' - really what does that actually mean? I have no idea despite thinking out of the box.......

Flosshilde Wed 10-Apr-13 12:31:41

I once had a colleague ask me if I had seen an email he had sent me. I responded that it 'had dropped off the bottom of my screen' i.e. I'd had so many emails come in that I'd forgotten about it as it wasn't right in front of me when I opened Outlook.

Colleague thought this was hilarious and decided this was the new management speak for forgetting about something. He then used it at every given opportunity if I was chasing something up. grin

OTOH, my boss is ace, but still gives me the rage when he uses 'going forward'. In the future. In THE FUCKING FUTURE. angry

claraschu Wed 10-Apr-13 12:50:48

I also want to kill people who use "contact" as a verb. IABVU

Scottishtanguera Wed 10-Apr-13 12:55:01

I'd watch that, Flosshide, that's how these things start grin

"going forwards" is so rife in our office it's not limited to meetings, supposedly inspiring speeches,etc and is also used for mundane conversation, eg, "the monthly staff meeting is usually held in room A but, going forwards, will be in room B"

I'm not even joking. If I stated tomorrow that "I usually drink coffee but going forwards am going to drink herbal tea" or some such no-one would bat an eyelid.

<needs to get over this>

Bue Wed 10-Apr-13 13:05:32

People seem to be "reaching out" since last year. It's such an odd one. It always makes me feel like the person on the other end of the "reaching" is troubled or depressed or generally unwell and must be contacted with compassion confused.

Scottishtanguera Wed 10-Apr-13 13:14:30

Also, both "touching base" and "low hanging fruit" seem to have rude connotations...or is that just me?!blush

lottiegarbanzo Wed 10-Apr-13 13:15:31

I hate this stuff but do recognise a couple of terms I might have used... I have done a bit of engaging and facilitating in my time! It's engaging with a generic group though, 'the public', 'the local community', so is referring to engaging their attention or interest, not just talking to one person.

I do quite like 'low hanging fruit' though, because the image conjured made the meaning obvious - picking the stuff that's easy to reach, to make it look as if you're achieving lots quickly, while ignoring the stuff that would take more effort but might be more rewarding, or will be all that's left for later - which is not the case with much of this stuff and, I like fruit.

I do like the idea of introducing baby / mn-related terms instead. Only problem is I'm struggling to think of much except 'my brain is tired'.

LadyBigtoes Wed 10-Apr-13 14:25:29

One I really hate that a friend started using is "silo thinking" which means getting stuff done independently without reference to everyone else, which is a BAD thing of course, because what you should be doing is "sharing best practise" and having a "heads up" i.e. being in constant pointless meetings instead of doing anything useful.

Now I'm freelance and work at home I like to think of myself as a very productive, jargon-free silo.

FormerlyKnownAsPrincessChick Wed 10-Apr-13 14:38:30

This thread is making me itch. Itchy itchy itchy!!! Reminds me of soooo many bosses of jobs past and their knobby speak (I fear I have picked a couple up along the way but do my utmost not too - bad habits are learned fast!)

- let's touch base
- let's walk and talk
- thinking outside the box (usually said whilst drawing invisible box with fingers)
- there's no i in team!
- to assume is to make an ass out me and you (big vom)
- talking out loud (er...i think you might mean thinking out loud)
- it's a chicken and egg situation (usually in situations where it wasn't a chicken and egg situation)
- you need to put some meat on the bones (when talking about report writing)
- up here for thinking (pointing at head) down there for dancing (pointing to feet)
- Remember: Be Jonny (this one is particularly grating). If you've done time management, this refers to Jonny Wilkinson and the way he focuses his mentai energy on the goal thing before kicking the ball blocking out all other distractions and the huge crowds. Therefore, to be efficient, you need to visualise the task ahead before doing it and cut out all surrounding distractions. shudder
- Oh and finally - do the dirty first. Again, time management for get the crappy job done first rather than hiding it under other paperwork. This one always raised a wry smile.

OP, YADDDDDNBU re management speak / corporate balls (although I would try not to actually kill him wink)

FryOneFatManic Wed 10-Apr-13 14:38:53

I used to be in the MOD and yes, there was a definite sprinkling of these kinds of terms.

I used to respond by writing stuff in the plainest English I could manage. I always avoided these terms.

I think it would be great to compile a list of useful MN terms to use in revenge grin

blueshoes Wed 10-Apr-13 14:50:36

Stakeholders, constituencies, champions ...

FryOneFatManic Wed 10-Apr-13 14:52:39

Oh, I'd forgotten about stakeholders, a big buzzword in MOD while I was there. Hated it, kept thinking about vampire slayers grin.

TryingtobelessChunkyChick Wed 10-Apr-13 14:56:13

Perhaps I'm missing something subtle, but I HATE "Upsize". What the hell is wrong with the word "increase"??!!!

YANBU OP. I think I may have utilised a stapler, reached out to his tie, and having Jonny'd the negative intra-office communications and blue skied a solution, I would have actioned stapling it to the desk by this point in time and going forward.

RandallPinkFloyd Wed 10-Apr-13 15:05:13

Oh god "share best practise". Stab stab stabity stab.

What they actually mean is tell everyone about your ace idea so they can all pretend its how they've always done it. Knob heads.

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