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AIBU?

At ex getting married and not telling the children - giving his reason of 'half sister' as to why

35 replies

AGivenNickname · 08/04/2013 12:42

Sorry the post may be a bit long...

I have three DC. Two are with an ex whom I split up with ten years ago (various reasons). Since then we've all moved on. I have another DS with my now DP and the ex has another DD with is gf wife.

The children haven't seen their dad in person since Christmas. His relationship with them is very inconsistent, he can go months without seeing them, lets them down when he agrees to because he 'realizes' he had other things planned and never rearranges.

I have always kept the door open for the children to see their dad as I believe it is their choice.

Since the children have had extra siblings they have decided off their own backs to call my ds2 their 'brother' and my ex's DD as their 'half sister.' I have always referred to both as 'brother' or 'sister' but DD especially will use the two terms.

So last night he phones out of the blue to say he and his gf have got married a few weeks back. DS1 asked why he wasn't invited and was quite plainly told:

'I didn't think you'd be interested, especially since you and DD call x (his other dd) your half sister.'

AIBU to feel angry about the way ex has gone about all this? He has three kids at the end of the day and they should all be as equal as each other. The kids probably wouldn't have gone - but they should have been given the choice and at least notified beforehand?

And as for his reason well...

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DontmindifIdo · 08/04/2013 12:44

YANBU - how old are your DCs? Old enough to decide to cut him out if they want? I think he's made his lack of interest in his own children clear. It's so sad you have to pick up the pieces but at least they have you.

twolittlemonkeys · 08/04/2013 12:47

YANBU. My dad didn't tell me when he and my SM got married. He saw us every week, and we stayed over with him for the whole weekend every month but it was at least 9 months before I found out. I only found out he was married when he and SM gave me a cheque for my birthday in their names Mr & Mrs X. I was livid and I don't think my mum was best pleased either. But then ever since he went off with SM, my sister and I have been treated very differently from SM's daughters.

So no, YANBU at all, your ex has been cowardly, and his reason is just pathetic.

AGivenNickname · 08/04/2013 12:47

They're 11 and 15. I know if I broach this subject with him he'll only say it's a jealousy issue on my part...

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fuzzywuzzy · 08/04/2013 12:49

His reason to your ds is hardly designed to foster close loving relations with their sister now is it?

YANBU, but I don't think there's anything you can do, if he is taking this stance.

Be nice to the children about it, accept their feelings on the matter and tell them you don't understand either.

If your ex is divisive about his new child and his children with you then I'm frankly not surprised they see themselves as apart from their sister.

AGivenNickname · 08/04/2013 12:50

They are treated differently twolittle, DS was promised a ps3 for Christmas, only to be told a week before that ex didn't realise they were so expensive so couldn't afford it. But his daughter (aged 6) got a lovely kindle fire...

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Theicingontop · 08/04/2013 12:50

He sounds incredibly immature and vindictive. Yanbu. Though the upside is that clearly it's only him missing out, and your children have a great family around them.

DontmindifIdo · 08/04/2013 12:51

Don't broach it with him, he obviously doesn't see what he's done as wrong and it's not like you've found out before the fact and can fix it before it happens.

I'm sure your DCs will extent the same level of invite to their respective weddings and important life events in the future.

Focus on making sure you and their step-dad are the best parents they could have and let them make their own decisions about access visits.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 08/04/2013 12:55

I also feel sorry for his new child as well as she is only six and seems to be "the root" of all these problems. The poor girl can't stick up for herself and didn't ask to be used as a reason for her siblings to be alienated from their father. I feel for all of the children involved.

AGivenNickname · 08/04/2013 12:55

Don'tmindifIdo, the choice to see him is entirely their choice. DS tends to go but DD refuses more often than not. I can't count on my hand how many times I'm threatened with court action because I'm apparently 'poisoning them.'

It's solely their choice if they go or not.

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Sunnywithshowers · 08/04/2013 13:11

YANBU.

My DSis and I weren't invited to dad's marriage to our stepmother. Neither were we told about dad's marriage to another woman until after the fact, despite his promises we'd be invited this time.

We're not close, unsurprisingly.

I'm sorry for your DC, ignore all the 'poisoning' bullshit.

JackieTheFart · 08/04/2013 13:25

I got married recently to my DH, he has a son.

I couldn't imagine leaving him out, whatever he calls his brothers. What a mean-spirited shit. YANBU.

And as an aside, may his clothes be visited by the fleas of a thousand camels

Dahlen · 08/04/2013 13:36

YANBU. I'm more by his justification though. Nice way to go about making your children feel it's their fault for being left out of something. Talk about emotional blackmail and manipulation. I see why he's an X.

AGivenNickname · 08/04/2013 13:54

So what, I agree with what you're saying about the 6 year old. She's stuck in the middle - that is why I always say sister when talking about her to the kids. It's the kids who correct me with the half bit of it.

I think ex needs to treat them equally though, something he is showing he isn't capable of doing.

Dahlen, your spot on with him being manipulative.

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SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 08/04/2013 14:04

Oh I know they should all be treated equal. It seems to me that your children have definitely been alienated from their sister because their father won't include them in his family unit. It's so sad. When the children are older, hopefully they will form a good relationship and there will be no resentment.

DeskPlanner · 08/04/2013 15:22

Did you post about the PS3 at Christmas, ? I think I remember it. He sounds horrible.

ChaoticTranquility · 08/04/2013 16:00

I was wondering that about the PS3.

YANBU Your ex has only got himself to blame if the relationship between his three children is not as good as it should be. As for using it as an excuse for not having your DC at the wedding, it just shows what a twat he is.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 08/04/2013 16:23

What does his wife say about it all? I'd feel so awful and guilty and to be honest wouldn't want to be with him.

DeadWomanWalking · 08/04/2013 16:52

Wow, he's a selfish fucker isn't he! We've always treated DSD exactly the same as our other 2 dds, I always say I have 3 kids not just the 2 I gave birth too. And DSD was my bridesmaid, I couldn't have left her out she was an integral part of the wedding.

seriouscakeeater · 08/04/2013 18:22

YANBU..quietly I would have been furious! I would talk to ex h and see what the hell is going on! What a prick!

I bet you are all ready used to being supportive and picking up peices with dc, carry on with that and string that asshole up x

Ashoething · 08/04/2013 18:27

Then every time your child says "half sister" you should correct them-its a horrible thing to say however their father has behaved-its not the 6 year old's fault.

I have 2 "half" db's and 2 "half" ds-I would never refer to them as such and I would be ashamed if I did.

strawberryswing · 08/04/2013 18:53

Yanbu, he sounds like an immature twat.

However, he does have a point about the half sister comments. It's incredibly mean of your children to correct you and refer to her as the half sister, (especially as they call your DS2 brother) they're being horrible to a 6 year old (who has done nothinf) and are certainly old enough to know better.

I understand that you refer to her as sister but I agree with Ashoething when they correct you they need to be told to stop it, in no uncertain terms. Poor girl.

AGivenNickname · 08/04/2013 19:21

Yes, I did post about the ps3 over Christmas.

Ashoe and strawberry, I do correct them but DD is 15 - you try and keep correcting a 15 year old who has a strong mind. At the minute she says she's washing her hands of her dad due to him treating her like something under his shoe.

Because of their dad their is no relationship as such with their sister. When she was born I offered to bring the children to the ex's to meet her. I was told not to as they wanted time as a family. They met six weeks later.

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AGivenNickname · 08/04/2013 19:22

there is no relationship not their, sorry

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seriouscakeeater · 08/04/2013 19:32

[Shock] that's horrid. Sounds like all the kids have been failed by him .

waltermittymissus · 08/04/2013 20:12

It is horrible about the wedding but I tend to agree that purposely referring to their dsis as 'half' is a bit mean.

Yes, they have been let down by their excuse for a father, but I do think they're old enough to know (esp the 15 year old) what they're doing and are doing it to be hurtful.

My sd lives with her dsis and not with us. The difference in how she treats/talks about/acts with them is astounding and can be incredibly hurtful.

And I've never left her out of anything.

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