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another controlling BiL question

(10 Posts)
tvmum1976 Sun 07-Apr-13 03:41:37

I posted on here a few days ago about my BiL in a different situation, so there is obviously background- me finding him controlling, him finding me spoilt and demanding. Really need some perspective on this new situation.

We live abroad and visit the UK approx once a year for about 10 days at a time. This will be our last trip for a long time as I am pregnant and it is an 11 hour flight which we are reluctant to do with a newborn. During our trips we always have a lot of commitments- both families want to see us and spend time with our 2 year old DS. DH's family is very large and his mother is very ill with cancer (probably terminal) it is hard for her to travel to see us, so we try to make sure she gets to spend as much time with DS as possible when we do come. With the rest of his family in the mix, it is always tricky to schedule enough time with everyone to keep them all happy. We have told my sis and BiL that we would love to see them and have kept a Saturday free for them (we have two other weekend days while we are there, both earmarked for DH's mum and other members of his wider family.) My sis replied that Saturdays are when BiL 'unwinds from work and does odd jobs around the house' so they can't make that day. AIBU to feel hurt and annoyed? i know that he will be saying that I am incredibly spoilt and demanding and expecting people to fit into our schedule and not caring about theirs etc. which is true? I really want to see my sister and think I won't get a chance to for a long time.

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 07-Apr-13 03:46:33

OK, honestly, do you think she is on an abusive relationship? If you do, then this is par for the course and all you can do is offer her a way out. Otherwise, why can't she just meet you, make time, do what she wants?

WinkyWinkola Sun 07-Apr-13 03:46:54

He's being a knobber.

Personally, I wouldn't bother with him.

That is the day you are free and he can make an effort after you've travelled to make the effort to visit family.

I'm assuming you don't particularly like him anyway?

tvmum1976 Sun 07-Apr-13 03:52:19

Thanks for replying. I don't like him and this sort of thing happens all the time. I'm not sure about the abusive thing and that's why I really welcome other peoples' perspective. I don't think he is physically abusive but he is incredibly controlling and my sister is very nervous of saying no to him and will always fit in with what he wants. I'm not sure why she jsut won't come to see us without him, but I think the issue is that she is nervous about travelling with the two kids on her own (one of them is mildly autistic so I understand that it is tricky) and I think he has probably refused to look after one or both of them on his own while she comes to visit (this is speculation based on past experience rather than fact.)

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 07-Apr-13 03:54:42

Really then you think your DS is having a hard time. Ignore moron wanker BIL and make it easier on your DS. Do what you need to do to make to work.

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 07-Apr-13 03:55:38

* make it work

AgentZigzag Sun 07-Apr-13 03:56:23

It's so easy for me to say from the outside grin but if they can't make it that day then tell them how sorry you'll be for not being able to see them, then force every thought you have in your head which gives a bollocks about what they say, to fuck right off.

It's not being spoilt or demanding to make time to see people who are important to you, and if that can only be at certain times, then who is your BIL to think he should be more important than anyone else you want to see?

Or is the real crux of it that you're worried your BIL is controlling your sister so much that he'd force the issue with her and make it impossible for her to see you when she wants to by a variety of sulking and tantruming tactics.

If it is, it must be difficult to stomach the way he could have an effect (and therefore control) over you indirectly by not 'letting' you see your sister.

Is it an abusive relationship do you think?

Chottie Sun 07-Apr-13 05:00:27

Please try to make this work somehow for your sister's sake.....

It sounds like you have given plenty of notice of the dates you will be visiting. Your BiL does not sound very flexible to say the very least. Your visit sounds quite stressful with a long journey and flight and so many people to try to see and being pregnant too. If your BiL can't come, could you arrange to meet your sis halfway, so she doesn't have such a long journey on her own with 2 DCs?

From the outside, it doesn't sound like your BiL is particularly bothered whether he sees your family...... with no regard for his DCs meeting up with their aunt, uncle and cousin and two sis being together.

I hope you manage to sort something out.

HollyBerryBush Sun 07-Apr-13 07:18:22

You might have answered your own question with your comment about your nephew being mildly autistic. IS BIL everso slightly the same way? Would deviation from routine would upset him if he changed his Saturday plans?

Rather than them come to you, can you go to them on the Saturday?

tvmum1976 Sun 07-Apr-13 15:50:24

I had wondered about the autistic thing. We would normally offer to go to them, but it isn't practical this time- it's a 3 hour drive each way and we have an 11 hour flight early the next morning. I think the combination of 6 hours driving and then the flight in one weekend is too much to ask of our two year old (the flight is pretty hellish anyway.) If they come to us then they can stay the night and split the driving. Also I must admit I find going to their house pretty uncomfortable as BiL is so rude to me and is constantly shouting at and undermining my sister. I also don't really like my son being aroudn that sort of thing as he is at the copying everything he hears/ sees stage.

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