To think teenagers are vile creatures

[StephofArc]

I know I'm probably overreacting but need a bit of a vent.

I've posted quite a bit recently about my foster DD who I took on a few weeks ago, a brief bit of background for those I haven't already bored to death with this (I do feel like I've exceeded my post limit, sorry ) she's almost 16 and has just come back to school after missing almost a year. Up until a few weeks ago she was a school drop out crack addict, since then she's come back to school and gone through a detoxification programme.

Tonight she went to a house party hosted by one of the kids in her year. I hate the damn things, personally I think they're a recipe for disaster, but DFD wanted to go and she hasn't really remade any friends since going back to school, she's been working hard towards her GCSEs and I guess I stupidly thought it might do her good.

She must have been there less than an hour, I'd told her I would pick her up as I didn't want her walking home late at night (knowing the sort of thing that goes on at a lot of those parties) but she arrived home unexpectedly around an hour after she went out, went straight up to her room and refused to come out. She does this defensive act thing when she's really upset but she doesn't want me to ask her questions (I'm assuming all teenagers to that but this is my first parenting experience so not entirely sure). I tried asking her if something was wrong but couldn't get through to her.

I've since managed to get out of her that at the party, a group of the 'populars' including the girl who invited her were referring to her as 'the junkie', making foul jokes about her to her face, nasty references to now-ex boyfriend and things he's allegedly told them about her etc. She says she doesn't understand why they invited her if they just wanted to make fun of her, that she feels like she's been typecast and no matter how hard she tries to change (and she's a different child to a couple of months ago) no one takes any notice and she can't escape.

I just feel so distraught for her. Seriously tempted to have a word with the parents but I doubt that achieves anything at this age. I know it's all a part of growing up and all that, but it's so difficult seeing her upset :(

[MatureUniStudent]

Oh poor you and her. So in this case YANBU.
Does your DFD have to remain at this school, could she have a new start at college? It is very very hard to miss a year and then go back.

During school time the school should look out for her, but sadly it may be best to avoid these girls out of school. Can she develop a new interest outside school to make like minded friends?

[rhondajean]

Teenage girls can be horrible vile spiteful things.

I reassure my own dd it's because they are insecure themselves.

Dfd may not get that just now but you could try?

[StephofArc]

She's fallen asleep in my bed, presumably that means I have to decamp to her pigsty bedroom

matureunistudent school want her to try for GCSEs this year, then resit next year if a disaster, which she doesn't want to do. She doesn't want to go to the other school in our area because of ex bf and his mates who got her hooked on the crack, so this place is the lesser of the evils. I'm hoping it's all going to settle down a bit with the other girls, she's only been back there a few weeks. Academically she's doing astoundingly well given the circumstances, although she's only taking 7 GCSEs max, possibly 6.

She used to do a lot of dancing and still does around the house, I'm trying to find her a local class/persuade her to go. I'm sure she's love it, it's just a case of convincing her to try IYSWIM.

rhona I tried that, she said in that case she'd rather be insecure. The sad thing is I can kind of see where she's coming from :(

[StephofArc]

Rhonda sorry, how rude of me!

[rhondajean]

Oh god it's awful isn't it

It's bad enough with my dd who doesn't come with al the baggage (I've read a few of your threads). I've almost persuaded her they're horrible because they're unhappy too. I think you just need to stick with reinforcing that message.

Poor kid. What bitches they can be.

[FayeKorgasm]

I can't give any advice Steph, I just think what you are doing is brilliant and I wish you and your DFD all the very best moving forward.

[MatureUniStudent]

Then iPod in ears at break, or a welcoming club or drama class in school break. Go to the library to read (and meet other less robust kids and hopefully make kinder friends). Let the form teacher/year head know of this incident. Much sympathy, going through it with my ASD one.

You sound an amazing mum btw.

[MatureUniStudent]

Kelly?? You have lost me with that post, am I missing something?

[bettybigballs]

Urmmmm, am I right in understanding that you think the op is a dealer kelly?

[StephofArc]

Thanks for the helpful posts. Good suggestion matureunistudent, definitely sounds like that could work :) It's so hard knowing they're on their own isn't it? :( I have a friend who has a daughter in DFD's year who's lovely, tempted to ask her if she could look out for DFD at lunchtimes etc. But then is that too much like interfering? Thanks, I'm just doing my best trying to work it all out as I go along! God I wish teenagers came with instructions

[minouminou]

So did I.
Although, to be fair....it is actually possible that the popular girls were hoping she'd have something for them and ditched her when they realised she didn't.

[StephofArc]

Thanks Natasha :)

[minouminou]

That's great. Off you go now, the pair of you.

[StephofArc]

Daisy, for the record, I am not and have not ever been involved in dealing my foster daughter drugs.

Minou can see your point actually, hadn't thought of that :( She's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't poor kid. That said, she was never involved in dealing and given some of the things they've said about DFD I don't think they'd be interested in anything as hardcore as the stuff she's been on most recently. It does make you wonder though.

[KellyW1979]

Daisy you raise some good points x

[LetMeAtTheWine]

No real advice to offer OP but I hope everything gets sorted soon.

[DontSHOUTTTTTT]

steph. Please ignore the ??? posts.

[quoteunquote]

Daisy and kelly off you pop, way past your bed time,

Steph

She does know she is better than these girls, she has faced real adversity, and shown resilience and done something amazing, she is so brave to face all of this,

They on the other hand can't even manage to be nice or kind.

She is totally brilliant, and clever when they were vile she left, she didn't get into it, she did the best thing she could and removed herself from the situation, very bright.

If she has a dream goal, a direction, something she wants to achieve, it may feel overwhelming and undoable,

if she keeps doing all the little steps, forget about the big ones, each time she looks up she will be a little nearer, tell her just to keep doing all the little steps and it will all come good,

teens often find this concept hard to realise for themselves, we forget at their age how despondent and porridge frustrating life felt, It's like walking up a mountain little steps get you to the top, random leaps take off the ridge.

[KellyW1979]

How do you know she is 'brilliant and clever'?