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to tell dh get help and sort yourself out or get out re depression .

(22 Posts)
foxy6 Sat 06-Apr-13 23:03:51

I know it doesn't sound good but I'm at My wits end and don't know what to do . We have been together for 18 yr and dh suffers with depression on and off . It's a vicious circle of him getting worse me trying to help, him getting worse, me telling him he needs help, him getting worse then me delivering ultimatum.and packing his bags for him to finally realise and try to sort himself out. But I'm not sure I have it in me to go through it all again. Things also seem worse this time his dad passed away last yr from cancer a bit of a shock for us all as it was less than 2 weeks between diagonis and passing on. I have tryed to he as supportive as I can I was with My father on law when he died and helped with caring for him as dh couldn't face it. He won't talk about anything he isn't sleeping or eating properly. He did get sleeping tablets from the Dr but only took then for a week . He has Dr again Monday but I don't know what help that will be he won't take anti depressents .
I don't know what else I can do its at the point now where we are all tiptoeing around him , I'm haveing to excuse him to the kids who can't say or do anything.
I haven't been well these past 2 months and I think maybe that hasn't helped.
His mood is effecting everyone and I just don't know how much more I can take.
I know he doesn't ask to be depressed but it also seems like he is not bothered about it as he doesn't do anything to make it better . Thanks for taking the time to read x

Springdiva Sat 06-Apr-13 23:07:19

Is there somewhere he could go eg his DM's ? Perhaps he could go there until he is improved.

Can't be good for DCs, can't be good for you.
What does GP say.

SirBoobAlot Sat 06-Apr-13 23:13:11

I think you sound a bit insensitive. Even without a disposition to depression, he lost his father last year, and is obviously struggling.

As for not seeming to be bothered about it - when you are that low, you don't think anything will ever make it better. It's not that he doesn't care about you or your children, it's that he can not see anything beyond the blackness.

If he is going to see the GP on Monday, then he is taking steps to recover. Has he discussed why he won't take ADs?

Appreciate this must be a hard position for you to be in, but telling him to fix something he has no control over or to get out is not going to help any of you.

Have you tried contacting somewhere like Mind yourself? They have fantastic advice for people who have a loved one with a mental illness.

MsVestibule Sat 06-Apr-13 23:13:41

YANBU - as with most illnesses, it doesn't just affect him, and he needs to take that into consideration when deciding whether or not to seek treatment. As a family, you cannot continue to live in this never ending cycle.

On a practical level, where would he/you go if you were to separate, even temporarily?

HungryClocksGoBackFourSeconds Sat 06-Apr-13 23:17:25

Packing his bags and issuing ultimatums when he's ill is pretty unfair, depression is an illness, not a choice.

If he doesn't want to take Anti-Ds then there are other ways to manage depression, healthy diet and exercise are a good start and counselling is available through the NHS and sometimes through work.

The most important thing is that he has your support and understanding. Educating yourself on depression may be a good start.

foxy6 Sat 06-Apr-13 23:17:39

He couldn't go to his mums she's a hoarder and that has got worse since his dad passing on and not keeping it under control. She has a 3 bed house and sleeps on the sofa there is literally no room in the bedrooms. He has a brother but I know he wouldn't be able to go there. I feel stuck I want to help but don't know what to do anymore. If he did go i would worry about him doing something more serious. He doesn't have a supportive family .

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Sat 06-Apr-13 23:18:01

YANBU at all. It m8ust be extremely hard living with someone with depression. I agree with MsVestibule. His illness does not affect only him and he needs to see this.

Springdiva Sat 06-Apr-13 23:23:46

Perhaps you could speak to the GP after your DP has been and explain the problem and how it is affecting your DCs. See what he says.

You can't fix him but if he is to go he needs somewhere to go where there is support so maybe GP can advise.

HungryClocksGoBackFourSeconds Sat 06-Apr-13 23:26:57

On the link I posted, there's a bit you can click called 'how can friends and family help?'

foxy6 Sat 06-Apr-13 23:27:29

I was expecting told be told I'm being unreasonable as its an illness not a choice I understand that. I've lived with him for 18 years. My mother also suffers with depression. But I just don't knowi what to do he won't have couciling he has issues with anything like that after his mum made him go as a child to see a psychologist. He tryed anti represents once and didn't like the effect they had and stoped taking them. He doesn't work since being made reduntant 2 yrs ago and we have money problems ( but I try to keep as much of. that away from him as I can ) I know he has a lot to be down about ( don't we all) but he also has a lot to feel good about he just can't see it .

HungryClocksGoBackFourSeconds Sat 06-Apr-13 23:29:21

Does he know that there are lots of different anti Ds and that he can keep trying different ones until he's happy with them?

spottyblanket Sat 06-Apr-13 23:33:08

Yanbu. You can not help someone who won't help themselves.

I've been in a similar situation. It effects the whole house. Here's a man who is driving his wife to drive him out, though of course he doesn't mean to because it's his depression. Only he won't do anything about it when he's depressed and is even less inclined to do anything about it when he's not depressed. He probably doesn't really think it's depression because he won't take ads. Fear of loosing his family probably makes him even more depressed but it's a self-fullfilling prophesy because that's exactly what his behaviour is doing.

foxy6 Sat 06-Apr-13 23:36:49

Yes but he doesn't want to he knows his depressed but he doesn't want to do anything about it he won't talk he won't take anything or do the thing that are advised to do I have in the tried. He won't read anything that advises on it. Like I said the only thing in the past that has made him take note on how bad things are is me packing his bags . Then he tryes and improves. For a while.

HungryClocksGoBackFourSeconds Sat 06-Apr-13 23:42:46

Did you read through the stuff on Mind?

There may be a mind charity base near you, they could probably give you some fab advice.

HungryClocksGoBackFourSeconds Sat 06-Apr-13 23:44:07

find your nearest mind

HungryClocksGoBackFourSeconds Sat 06-Apr-13 23:46:26

You may also be entitled to a carers allowance which could help with the financial troubles. He'd have to got to GP for that though i expect.

DoctorAnge Sat 06-Apr-13 23:48:22

Its really important for him to take some medication. There are lots if alternatives that can help him. He really needs to get help.

AcrylicPlexiglass Sat 06-Apr-13 23:52:22

Poor you. Sympathise hugely as have depressed partner and know the whole family walking on eggshells whilst depressed person withdraws/acts out/refuses to seek help scenario very well.

My partner is a very lovely man and cares deeply for us all so I usually manage to get through to him when he starts getting so down that he can't hide it from the kids, simply by pointing that out to him. He often rejects it at the time but it usually sinks in and eventually he will go to the GP/try and take control of the illness a bit. I find it very very difficult to get the tone right and find the balance between recognising that he is ill and not allowing him to flood my life and even more importantly my children's lives with angry misery at the times he is really down though.

I think there is a fine line between "can't seek help" (because too depressed) and "won't seek help" (because being an arsehole) and it can be hard to tell what's happening. But in case your husband is on the "can't" side of the line I would suggest trying to go with him to the GP appointment or going to the GP without him to explain the situation.

I do think there comes a time where ongoing utter refusal to seek help combined with constant withdrawal/anger/irritability/misery has to be a dealbreaker in illnesses like chronic depression because it affects everyone in the family so profoundly. Very different if the depressed person is actively seeking treatment and can be somehow reached even when they are very low.

Have you read the depression fallout book? I found it very helpful.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Sat 06-Apr-13 23:52:47


of course his illness is not his fault, but it isn't yours either and everyone has their limits

If he is not interested in accessing any help at all and he doesn't want to try anything that might help then that is his choice, but it doesn't mean you just have to put up with it, you are important as well

Apileofballyhoo Sun 07-Apr-13 00:13:12

YANBU. He needs to get help. Very bad for DCs to think this is normal behaviour, relationship etc. If it was physical illness and person wouldn't get help it would be seen as irresponsible. Same for mental illness. He has to take some responsibility. It's not right that you are doing everything alone. I have been in similar situation. You must insist that he seeks help. Immediately, short term and long term. He is not your responsibility, but your DCs are your responsibility. You have to get through to him. If he was an addict you would have to do something, I think his refusal to get help is similar self destructive behaviour. I hope this works out for all of you OP. YAdefNBU.

foxy6 Sun 07-Apr-13 00:25:42

Thank you all for not slating me like I was expecting . I will show dh the mind wedsite and try to get through to him tomorrow so that when he goes to the Dr he comes out with something constructive and hopefully with the mind to try it for longer than a week.
I make excuses all the time to myself for the way he is . He didn't have a good childhood with parents more concerned about themselves than their kids. When he was 3 he found his baby brother dead of cot death. He is a typical adhd adult although he seen psychologist and had sleeping pills when a child he wasn't formally diagnosed. ( it wasn't so much back then) . I know me and dcs mean the world to him and are all he has and when he is good things are great. He's not all bad.
I don't know I'm just rambling now I'll sleep it over and see what can be done tomorrow. Thanks all x

SirBoobAlot Sun 07-Apr-13 13:10:26

If it's the side affects of the pills that worry him, then it's worth remembering that there are lots of different types he can take, and the side affects tend to die down after about ten days.

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