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To feel frustrated?

(11 Posts)
JazzyPop Sat 06-Apr-13 22:47:06

Last year I became a single mum after a messy split bastard left me for ow At the same time my dm was going through a divorce so it made perfect sense for us to move in together, save on rent, bills etc, would give us both company and she could help out with dd.

The last year has been brilliant she has really helped me with childcare and moral support. However my younger brother has now moved in with us and I find it really hard to live with him, he is messy, inconsiderate and just lays around all the time. I do get on with him and he is brilliant with dd I just cant live with him.

I feel like the time has come for me and dd to move on anyway, we need our own house and she needs her own room (we have been sharing since db moved in) I mentioned this to dm and she seems horrified - she loves having me and her grandaughter living with her. I explained we would have to move eventually.

The thing is dm struggles for money and im worried how she will afford to run the house without my portion of the rent/bills. Db does pay her board but not as much as I am paying for me and dd.

I feel guilty for potentially leaving her in a bad situation financially but also need my own space! Aibu to just find my own place now? Any advice welcome.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sat 06-Apr-13 22:51:55

You can't stay in this situation in order to be kind to your mum. You and your daughter need a home of your own and if it's not working out with your brother - you are allowed to put yourself first and leave!

At the end of the day, your mum's finances are for her to work out. You should not be expected to stay there to prop her up.

I know that sounds cold, but what's your other choice? Stay somewhere where you're living with someone that annoys you and makes your home an unpleasant place to be?

Your mum has to accept that you are an adult, a parent yourself and you will make a decision that is best for you and your daughter. And that isn't staying in your mum's house, sharing a room, for the next 10 years!

JazzyPop Sat 06-Apr-13 23:05:01

Thanks Hecsy I know thats what I have and want to do. To be honest I have already signed up with a couple of estate agents I just cant shake the guilt.

I will sit down and have a proper chat with her tomorrow

AgentZigzag Sat 06-Apr-13 23:26:42

It's good you've laid the seed of what your plans might be in the future, the only thing that'd worry me is how much of the guilt tripping you think she'll run to, and how much you can resist?

There was a thread I was following in relationships of someone living with her mum and trying to escape without too much stress, and the mum laid it on thick with how many things she (apparently) couldn't do, making the daughter feel as though she was 'abandoning' her to her fate and didn't give a shit (which couldn't be further from the truth).

I can see how this might happen, because you can love your mum to bits at the same time as knowing her for how she is. Accepting how she is, but wanting to draw boundaries without losing the closeness you've got. If that makes sense? grin

The two things (having a close relationship with your mum at the same time as her making you feel things you'd rather not) can run together, making it difficult to tread a line between the two and do the things you want to.

Your posts make you sound as though you know what you want/need to do, and there's no reason on earth why you can't have a life in your own house and still be there for your mum.

She might just need some time to process it and will be fine in a couple of days, maybe it's being left with your brother that's worrying her? (grin)

JazzyPop Sat 06-Apr-13 23:45:07

Thanks Agent thats helpful. I should have a look on that thread in relationships might give me some tips grin

We have relied heavily emotionally on each other this past year, both have gone through relationship breakdowns, I feel ready to move on but I dont think my mum is sad obviously when I do move out I will still visit and call her a lot. Like you say she probably needs a few days to come round to the idea. I think being left with my brother might be part of the issue grin

shellbu Sun 07-Apr-13 00:16:25

you cant stay there jazzy , you and your daughter need your own rooms ,your mum will have to ask more from your brother , dont feel guilty because you want to move on .

AgentZigzag Sun 07-Apr-13 00:20:04

If it's OK for me to link (and the OP doesn't think I'm inappropriately hawking her thread across the boards), the original is here, and the second thread here.

MsVestibule Sun 07-Apr-13 00:53:19

Why did your brother move in? If he hadn't moved in (forcing you and your DD to share), would you be so keen to move out? If that's the case, why doesn't he move out, rather than you?

AgentZigzag Sun 07-Apr-13 01:00:14

Yes, I wondered about how the OP (is manipulated a bit strong?) found herself in a situation of feeling she should be the Provider For All.

Depending on the brothers age, he should be eking out his own life, not lazing around his sisters house getting under her feet.

JazzyPop Sun 07-Apr-13 01:43:56

Thanks for the links! Will have a good read through them tomorrow. Db chose to stay with our dad after parents divorce, but moved in after a row with dad and then never went back home. He has a history of mental health problems and my mum likes to see he is ok.

I have my made my mind up to move out now, seeing it wrote down in black and white has made me realised its exactly what I want to do. Thanks for helping me to come to my senses.

Ah cant wait for a tv to myself, to be able to leave wine in the fridge with no fear of somebody else guzzling it smile

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 07-Apr-13 09:57:09

You are an adult. There would be something wrong if you didn't want a home of your own where you were in control of it!

Hope your mum is quick to understand this perfectly normal need. x

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