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to be grumpy that DH falls asleep on the sofa while I am putting the kids to bed?

(31 Posts)

OK - first AIBU, and not an equal roles question really. I put the kids to bed 5 nights a week, but DH does 2 nights (I work on those evenings so he is home alone with the kids, he works full time, office hours. I am home with 3 kids in the day (the youngest is nearly 2 and home full time).

My AIBU is really that on the nights he puts the kids to bed, he is awake when I get home from work about 10pm, but on the nights I put the kids to bed he is almost always asleep when I come down - even on Saturday, when he hasn't been to work and has had the lie in (I get the Sunday lie in). Bedtime does take ages as the youngest takes a very long time to settle, but it means that on the nights when I actually want to stay up a bit, because I have a lie in coming my way the next day, I am in this weird limbo - don't have the place to myself but don't have his company either, as he is asleep on the sofa.

I probably am BU I guess, but as I came down from an hour and 3/4 of sitting in the dark in the 2 year old's room to the sight of him asleep sitting up, and as he snores like a hibernating bear on the sofa opposite me I feel resentful - AIBU?

MooseBeTimeForCoffee Sat 06-Apr-13 21:31:49

I know what you mean. My DH gets up at 4 to commute for a 6am start. He's home by 5:00pm. He cooks supper and I feed DS. He then bathes DS. DS is still fed to sleep and is usually asleep by 7:30/8:00.

By the time I get downstairs DH is usually fast asleep in the chair.

Thank you for the response Moose - I thought I had written such a spectacularly dull AIBU that nobody could be bothered to tell me whether I was BU smile

jackstini Sat 06-Apr-13 21:49:20

I would just tell him.
"I'm going to put the kids to bed now and then come down and watch tv. If you're going to fall asleep do you want to go up now?"

Sharptic Sat 06-Apr-13 21:49:24

Yanbu. Could you maybe agree that on one of the nights he stays awake so you can spend some time together?

Maybe on that night, he could cook dinner while you settle the children, that should keep him awake!

Other nights, I would go upstairs and snuggle up under the duvet with the mumsnet etc and leave him to snore away on the sofa.

He does sound unusually tired though, is this just a recent problem?

Almostfifty Sat 06-Apr-13 21:52:27

Why don't you share putting them to bed?

HollyBerryBush Sat 06-Apr-13 21:55:12

Everyone cat naps.

However Im not understanding nearly 2 hours of sitting with a child that will not sleep.

isitsnowingyet Sat 06-Apr-13 22:00:18

AIBU for feeling a bit sorry for your husband as he sounds knackered? What time does he leave the house in the morning?

CheeseOnTop Sat 06-Apr-13 22:02:47

My oh does the exact same thing and I feel the exact same way. Yanbu

We all eat together (with the kids, so before they go to bed obviously) smile so the cooking doesn't work for that reason - tbh I do all the cooking, but that's not what I am posting about smile

I find sharing bedtime makes it take infinitely longer - I never totally get why people do it. He has to put the kids to bed twice a week as I am out of the house at work, and the other nights I do it. It is no problem putting them all to bed as they all go at the same time (the eldest actually needs the most sleep) and the older 2 go to bed beautifully; standard type routine of PJs, teeth and wash (only do baths a couple of times a week and they they come down after anyway). then a story each (all together) goodnight to older 2, they are asleep in minutes.

The youngest has horrendous sleep issues, he is up multiple times every, single, night, and takes a very long time to settle. Honestly its something he goes to sleep happily in his own bed now, even if he does need a parent in the room - when he was in a cot he would just scream hysterically... I've had paediatrician's apts about his sleep and am not really asking AIBU about that!

Maybe I do need to talk to him like that Jack - he didn't seem sleepy when I went up though and was talking about us having beer and a snack when I came down, but then he was asleep...

Hmmm Sharp I don't know if it is a new thing, I can't quite place when it started. He does have a long commute (driving) which does make people sleeps, but I think it did start before the current job, I cannot in all honesty place when. He wasn't like this pre-DC but our whole lives were different then - different jobs, living in a different country, different structure to the day...

Ogooglebar Sat 06-Apr-13 22:09:13

Yanbu! Sofa sleeping and and sofa snoring are ridiculously irritating. If he's tired he should go to bed. If he's just falling asleep out of boredom then he should do something a bit more stimulating so he can stay awake and you can spend time together.

Is it snowing he leaves the house at 6.15am. We get up at the same time in the week though as DD has to catch the school bus at 7am so I have to make sure she's ready (she's only 7) then take DS1. My youngest is up a lot in the night, every night, so I don't think his start time alone is responsible - and even if it is, he has the lie in on a Saturday morning but is still asleep on the sofa by 9pm, or so, whenever I get back downstairs. On my work eves (week nights) he manages to be wide awake when I get home at 10pm confused

Ogooglebar that is what I think! I think he falls asleep out of boredom while waiting for me! I have suggested before he does housework tasks (he does almost no housework) while he waits, but he thinks I'm joking (I more than half am though, as I avoid housework in the evenings too). The snoring does immensely increase the irritation factor!

WhinyCrabbyPeople Sat 06-Apr-13 22:14:42

I think I'd fall asleep too, waiting for someone to put a two year-old to bed grin. Could he help you with the bedtime or could you ask him to fold some laundry, or something?

On a side note though, that is a long time to spend with one kid at bedtime. I appreciate that you'd like things to be "equal" but sometimes it's in both your best interests to just get things done and get the kids to bed as soon as possible so you can have some crucial adult time. So maybe one of you does bath while the other cleans up the kitchen/puts away laundry and then the other one does story/tuck-in while the other packs lunches for the following day (or whatever).

WhinyCrabbyPeople Sat 06-Apr-13 22:17:11

Sorry...x-posted about the issues with your toddler. {{hugs}}

Sharptic Sat 06-Apr-13 22:18:15

If he`s dropping to sleep so easily, he obviously needs it, but we are creatures of habit and it's easy to fall into a routine.

The only solutions I can offer are to break that habit of him falling to sleep at that time, maybe dh needs to do some more bedtimes, or have a walk/fresh air/exercise when ur settling the children.

I know you eat together, that is good, but you could occasionally let him cook for just the two of you, if it helps you, if he enjoys it and if it keeps him awake!

chickensaladagain Sat 06-Apr-13 22:27:50

Maybe on the days you work he's having a quick nap before you get home so he's wide awake when you get back?

Thanks Whiny smile

Hmm so I need to think of something he can do to keep him awake grin I guess I want him to be grown up and do that himself, but as that is not happening and it annoys me I need to do something... He won't cook unless I absolutely insist in a dramatic fashion - we've been married 9 years and he's only cooked a handful of times, unless you count bunging a frozen pizza or fish fingers in for the DC when necessary. When I met him he used to eat at his main meal at midday in the canteen at work and just eat crisps in the evenings, and take away at weekends - it was what he did as a student too (Student in Germany with a good quality affordable student canteen). hmm

Laundry maybe - or he could sort the odd sock mountain... grin I think he'll just make a face if I suggest it - as I say I don't really do housework after the DC are in bed either, unless we have a birthday party or guests coming relatively early on the next day! blush

chicken that would be a good suggestion except we both need to get to bed within about 30-45 mins of me getting home from work, as I get home at 10pm and we have to be up by 6am at the very outside. Our youngest also has some spooky form of radar and tends to wake and need me to re-settle him not long after I get in, no matter how quietly I close the front door hmm

On that note it is 11.30pm here now, so even though I have the lie in tomorrow the evening is gone and I need to wake my husband and get us both to bed... Ho hum...

Thanks for the advice everyone! Thanks also for a very mild first AIBU thread; must be more controversial next time! grin

ExcuseTypos Sat 06-Apr-13 22:41:45

My DH is usually asleep by 9 on the sofa. He does get up about 5.30 most mornings though so I don't blame him. However if he starts to snore I just wake him up and ask him to of to bed, as he's disturbing me.

Can't you tell him you want to watch a DVD or something together when you come downstairs? He can then have a bit of a nap then you wake him up later for the DVD.

ExcuseTypos Sat 06-Apr-13 22:48:16

I've just realised you want him to stay awake on a Saturday night, as it is your lie in tomorrow.

The problem is he knows he's up early tomorrow with all the dc so he's thinking he wants an early night.

It is difficult with young dc, you've got a young child who takes a long time to settle and you work late sometimes and you both have early starts. I think tbh things will get better as they get older, especially if your 2 yo takes less time to settle.

Can't you book a baby sitter and go out- then he'd have to stay awake!

Excuse I guess that's true, so its just how it is for now sad Oh well. We've never used a paid babysitter, and I don't think I'd feel comfortable doing that just yet because of the youngest, but the kids do stay over with DH's parents for a night - and last time actually 3 nights as I wanted to do a big house sort out - each school holiday. We live too far away for them to do babysitting in term time, but at least there's a school holiday every 6-8 weeks smile
We'll have to make more of an effort and actually go out next time the in-laws have them; we often talk about it but don't end up doing anything (we live in a rural village and there is the whole issue of anywhere to go out for a nice meal being a half hour drive, meaning one of us can't have a drink with dinner, and if we actually want more than a meal out its a big trek into our nearest city, so we cop out and stay home! The falling asleep on the sofa doesn't happen then though (at least not so early). Last school holiday DH was actually away on a work training course so we didn't get any time together when the kids were at his parents, although I got a lot of sorting done and caught up on my sleep!

Ah well, thanks everyone!

DoJo Sun 07-Apr-13 14:44:54

Not sure if I'm missing something, but why don't you just wake him up when you get back down?

grin DoJo Now you say that I wonder why somebody else didn't!

He is not very wakeable though, once he's fallen asleep on the sofa that's pretty much it, I have to lever him off the sofa to go to bed, otherwise he'd sleep all night there. Last night I did try but he just opened one eye and mumbled and went back to sleep.

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