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To be offended at dh seriously suggesting ds isn't his?

(180 Posts)
Idbeloveandsweetness Sat 06-Apr-13 21:15:37

We have a ds who is three and have been TTC for about two years for a second ds. Following infertility testing it has transpired that male factor infertility is the problem, basically we have been told that we have pretty much zero chance of conceiving naturally and ds must have been some sort of miracle (also conceived first month) or something must have changed with my dh since we conceived first time round.

Dh did not take the news well as he was convinced the problem was with me. We found the results out a few weeks back and the last few days he's been eyeing ds and saying things like "he doesn't look anything like me" and "I can see me in him at all." ds does to be fair look mainly like me and my side of the family but I can see dh's mother in him too. Anyway, dh has now point blank asked if ds is his! I am not impressed. Dh can't understand how we conceived ds so easily given that he's now been told he is basically infertile. I don't understand either...but it definitely happened!

Aibu to be hideously offended that dh is a) suggesting I'd cheat on him and b) then conceive a child that I'd pretend to be his?!

AllOverIt Sat 06-Apr-13 21:21:40

No YANBU. I imagine he's shocked and lashing out.

He's being an arse.

Damash12 Sat 06-Apr-13 21:21:59

Mmmmm I'm gonna sit on the fence. Firstly, yanbu as it's quite hurtful what he's suggesting. However, being told you're infertile is bound to hurt and I think anyone would question it, so I'd possibly offer some empathy unless of course it carries on and on and he refuses to take your word or still questions it after the initial shock has worn off.

Idbeloveandsweetness Sat 06-Apr-13 21:25:13

I've tried just sort of laughing it off, not exactly making a joke but not getting engaged in it because I can't see the point in arguing over it when it is an insane suggestion. I get that dh is shocked and upset but i still feel upset that he could think that of me.

Frankly I'm just grateful we somehow managed to conceive ds. It does appear he was a miracle child. Even if we didn't know it at the time!

squeakytoy Sat 06-Apr-13 21:26:50

yanbu, but he must be very upset too, so it is understandable..

VisualiseAHorse Sat 06-Apr-13 21:27:19

YANBU to be offended, but I can imagine that he is feeling pretty crappy right now, and hitting out in defense of his maniless.

Idbeloveandsweetness Sat 06-Apr-13 21:28:06

I'm upset too though! It doesn't matter which one of us the problem is with, the end result is the same. No More Babies.

selsigfach Sat 06-Apr-13 21:29:32

YANBU. He needs to appreciate that the news of his infertility is a great shock and upset to you too. It might not be unreasonable for him to ask ONCE if you are sure that your child is his, but to keep on at it is extremely hurtful. How would he like it if you were accusing him of sleeping around?

MrsBombastic Sat 06-Apr-13 21:33:32

YANBU and whilst I can understand his upset he is way out of line.

Offer a DNA test as proof and to put his mind at rest but make it clear he is in a serious amount of trouble for even suggesting it.

I'm sorry OP but your 1st mistake was to laugh it off, this is not in the least bit funny and it needs nipping in the bud ASAP.

I suggest a stern word is in order.

quoteunquote Sat 06-Apr-13 21:34:59

all the men I know who have been given this news(it's surprisingly common) have had a real roller coaster of reactions, most of which took them by surprise,

a couple of them like yourselves, who had "miracle" babies both before and after the news really went through the "it can't possible be mine" stuff,

good luck, I hope the journey through this isn't too rough on you both.

Idbeloveandsweetness Sat 06-Apr-13 21:37:35

Well I thought at first he was joking mrsBomnastic
But it turned out sadly no. I've looked online and actually found lots of stories on forums were men with similar results to my dh have had children, sometimes more than one. So it seems that when you're told you're infertile it can actually just mean less likely to conceive...not impossible.

whois Sat 06-Apr-13 22:28:06

Take the moral high ground - for now. Don't rise to it and get involved in any discussions over DS not being his. If he hasn't calmed down and apologised in a week or two then time for a re-think. At the moment he's in shock and upset and lashing out.

Viviennemary Sat 06-Apr-13 22:33:55

It is hurtful. But if he's been told he has practically zero chance of fathering a child I think it's only human nature to wonder if the child is his. It's hard on you I agree. I'd have DNA tests done and put the matter to rest.

LaurieFairyCake Sat 06-Apr-13 22:37:20

I feel really sorry for him and I would feel really sad that my dh could think this.

If you're going to be offended I hope you get over it quick, it's a real kick in his testicles getting the 'your infertile' card.

HerrenaHarridan Sat 06-Apr-13 22:38:14

My ex regularly gave me the whole she doesn't look like me, you were sleeping with a b c .... X y z.

I said if you genuinely think that get a DNA test done ( you can order kits to send off online fairly cheaply,I looked into it). I'll pay half because I care about your peace of mind.

If you do not do this you has better shut the fuck up about it because in not playing this game.

Don't know if that is any help to you. He is now my ex after all.

He is out of order, but he's hurting so maybe take it on the chin but make it clear if he really doubts you he needs to test. You cannot let this linger

WorrySighWorrySigh Sat 06-Apr-13 22:42:36

Honestly, I would nip this in the bud with a paternity test. This isnt a test of love or honesty. He has had scientific evidence that he is almost certainly not going to father a child yet he has. Give him a scientific test to show that he has.

MsVestibule Sat 06-Apr-13 22:44:03

Yes, your DH is very upset that he has been told he is infertile, but does that really excuse his accusation that you have not only cheated on him, but also tried to pass the child off as his? My only suggestion would be to sit down and ask him if he seriously thinks that this is the case. If he say 'yes', then you have to decide where to go from there.

Obviously DNA tests are very easy to do now. If my DH insisted on one in these circumstances, I would go along with it, but I'm pretty sure it would affect our relationship quite badly.

So sorry about the No More Babies. That really is shit flowers.

Twattybollocks Sat 06-Apr-13 22:45:06

I would be mightily pissed off at the implication but would also understand where he's coming from. If it helps ds took 3 years to conceive due to dh's half arsed swimmers, dd was conceived on the first attempt less than 2 years later. No idea why things changed so much or maybe we just got lucky twice in a row.

WorrySighWorrySigh Sat 06-Apr-13 22:46:14

Actually, I would have a paternity test done as this might help the way you both go into future fertility treatments. Also, if nothing has changed for your DH then this might give a bit of leverage with the medical profession.

fedupofnamechanging Sat 06-Apr-13 22:50:52

If my dh wanted a DNA test in order to prove our dc were actually his, that would destroy the relationship for me. It means he doesn't trust you and your word is not good enough. Not sure I could come back from that.

I'm sure it's a shock, hearing that you won't easily conceive but I already think he's an arse, for assuming the problem was with you, rather than thinking it could be an issue with either of you.

If he was mine I'd tell him to get a fucking grip.

specialsubject Sat 06-Apr-13 22:53:45

your husband has accused you of screwing around. Yes, I think that does come under the category of 'a good reason to be offended'.

if he defines himself by his fertility he is certainly an arse.

Maggie111 Sat 06-Apr-13 22:54:38

It is hurtful, but actually considering the circumstances I can understand his distrust. Just offer a paternity test that will put it permanently to bed smile

BenjaminButton172 Sat 06-Apr-13 22:56:41

It must be hard for men because us women can know 100% that the baby you are carrying is yours (unless you are a surrogate obviously).
I am not saying ur dh was right for saying this to you but he must be going through all sorts of mixed feelings.

Fertility issues are horrendous for both men and women. But saying you are infertile doesnt always mean you cant have kids. Someone i know has polycystic ovaries and was told they would basically not have natural kids. They now have 2 conceived naturally.

CrapBag Sat 06-Apr-13 22:59:58

I would be offended if DH had seriously asked me that.

We were told that it was highly unlikely we would ever conceive without IVF. We were both the problem. 3 weeks before we were about to start IVF I found out I was already pregnant (after 3 years of trying). Then DD came along on the first try. It is funny how these things work sometimes.

It sounds a bit like his male pride is hurt. Why would he of automatically assumed that the problem was with you in the first place?

Idbeloveandsweetness Sat 06-Apr-13 23:01:03

On one hand I think a paternity test might be a good idea because at least it would give him peace of mind.

On the other I'm not sure whether I could ever forgive him for doubting me to the point where he wanted scientific proof.

He was drinking heavily and was quite overweight at the start of the year (when sperm would have been made as take 70 days) but has lost over two stone and stopped drinking having gone on a bit of a new year health kick. When we conceived ds he wasn't drinking and was playing a lot of sport so I'm hoping this may make some difference to his test results. Perhaps from "it's never going to happen" to "it's unlikely but could happen."

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