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Am I a boring sexual partner? Honest opinions please

(89 Posts)
higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 09:50:14

I have posted about our non existant sex ife before but rather than drip feed, I wanted to tell the whole story to date. Sorry if this is breaking any MN etiquette rules, I just really need some other people's perspectives.

My partner and I have been together for 6 years and have young DC. Our sex life was good in the beginning though not as passionate/frequent/wild as I would have liked. I never said anything to my partner because everything else was so perfect and we were so happy. The sex was definitely wonderful enough it was just that there was never a crazy, can't get enough of each other phase at the start. It was as though we went straight to 'relationship' sex if that makes sense.

My partner is a cannabis addict and I've always known this. He finally gave up recently. He has given up for months at a time in the past on my insistence.

A few days ago I discovered a porn website on his laptop and confronted him. He eventually stopped lying about it and admitted he uses porn to masturbate 4-5 nights a week. I am floored by this. I had no idea. He is a great guy, not sleazy or weird. He has a very successful career and everyone thinks very highly of him.

Our sex life dwindled after our first DC was born. He stopped making an effort with sex, he kind of did the 'wham beam thank you ma'am' thing a couple of times. In other words, there was no foreplay and he was disconnected from me. He also stopped making an effort in any area of our relationship - thoughtless birthday presents bought at the last minute, never taking me out or on a date, there was no romance.

We went almost 2 years with no sex at all, and in the last few years it's been 3-4 times a year when I initiate it.

We talked last night and he is going to seek counselling. He says he stopped bothering with sex with me because it was boring - 2 positions and predictable. Over the years there have been many times I have cried, screamed and begged him for an explanation as to why he doesn't want sex but even then he couldn't do it, he preferred to masturbate to porn.

I need some male perspectives on the lack of sex. Obviously the porn and cannabis have contributed, but it goes deeper than that. In every area of our lives I am the driving force. If I don't do something, it does not get done. It seems he wants the same in our sex life. As a woman, and for me to feel like a woman, I need something from him in this area. I need a dinner date, some romance, for him to initiate more adventurous sex.

H said something which I am having real problems understanding. He said his ex girlfriends have always initiated new positions, oral sex, trying something new or 'dirty'. They would say to him 'lie there and let me do thing to you'. I haven't ever done that for him.

It makes me feel more sexy, more feminine, when the man initiates new things in bed. That's not to say I just want to lie there - of course I am intuit and respond and reciprocate, but I just want him to take the lead in this one area because in everything else I have to wear the trousers.

Or is it that he just has a warped sense of what good sex is? Based on porn. I feel really sad. Any perspectives on this will be much appreciated.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 06-Apr-13 10:36:38

Absolutely, this is not just about sex.

b4bunnies Sat 06-Apr-13 10:37:41

and stop blaming your adult body - it isn't that you are imperfect, its the relationship... him and you together...

marriedinwhiteagain Sat 06-Apr-13 10:40:58

OP - I've been with DH for 25 years. Sex isn't the be all or the end all for us and of course we have had our ups and downs over the years. Although the cannabis would be an absolute deal breaker for me and the porn would upset me if it were an integral part of his life or hard in any way, what would be the ultimate deal breaker would be the lack of love.

We might not be the most exciting people in the world or have the most exciting sex life but even if we too tired or just want a quick bonk there is always love and lots of affection.

He really doesn't sound very nice and do you really want to be in this situation when your dc are much more vulnerable teenagers.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 06-Apr-13 10:43:47

I can only speak for myself, but if my partner is not giving me what I need in our relationship, there is no way i want to have sex with him. Moreover, ofmhe has hurt me by criticising deeply personal,aspects of myself - my body, my sexual technique, there's no way I want to have sex with him.

I would be more worried about you right now if you felt like it.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 06-Apr-13 10:45:27

Xpost mariried. I have been with my DH for over 20 years. Totally agree with you.

Wannabestepfordwife Sat 06-Apr-13 10:46:01

If you have been critised to the point you don't feel comftable to be yourself in bed or take your clothes off in front of him a) he's not the right person and b) it sounds like he's being ea.

What does he bring to the relationship?

There are blokes out there that love real women and care about their needs don't sell yourself short

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 06-Apr-13 10:48:48


You would want to initiate new things and do things for him if you felt warm and respectful,towards him.

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 10:51:54

Thanks b4bunnies. Your post had got me thinking about what I am doing wrong which I needed. I know it's not all him.

Do I want to be the boss everywhere but in bed? Gosh, maybe??? I am self confessed control freak. In the beginning he made most of the decisions concerning our life, and over time I have begun to do more because frankly, if I don't, it just doesn't get done. I do like getting my own way but I ASK him to get involved in things, ie: our children's schools, let's research the local schools and visit a few as our eldest is nearing that age. He doesn't do anything. It's like this with most things. In his own words, he is 'reactive' not 'proactive'. I often say to him I'm like a PA - when something needs to be done, I go off an research all the options (only after discussing with him and asking him to look into things too), then I present him with the options and we choose/make the final decision together. Except he hardly ever has a preference and is happy to just go along with what I suggest.

Do I care what he wants in bed? I did, in the beginning. But I am guilty of being a bit lazy in bed too, for example, I could have made more of an effort and reciprocated more with certain things. I don't know why I didn't - I think because I wanted more effort to come from him before I 'rewarded' him. That sounds completely messed up I know.

Then over time I grew resentful. I didn't want to 'give' him good sex because he wasn't giving me what I needed in our relationship.

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 11:09:53

I first began to feel resentful after this happened -

We were dating, in love and he would always tell me he wanted to marry me, and have children together. I felt the same, he asked me to move in with him after 6 weeks but I didn't, I just thought it was too soon.

Then I fell pregnant with our first baby. It wasn't planned and happened when I switched my brand of pill halfway through my cycle. My GP advised me I would still be protected though I was changing brands.

We were both overjoyed anyway and knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. I moved in with him and gave up my place as his insistence. I wanted us to buy our own place together but he insisted we live in the house he already had.

The day after I told him I was pregnant, he said "shall we get married?" I said I didn't really want to be a pregnant bride but asked him to promise that I would have a ring on my finger - that he would propose - before I gave birth. And he never did. And I've always resented him for it deep down. I didn't want to 'give' him good sex because he didn't do what he's promised and what I needed from him.

He did propose properly about 6 months after our baby was born, but by then I wanted a 'grand gesture', as in he whisks me away or takes me somewhere special to propose. Bt he didn't, he cooked me a meal at home. And he bought me a 'temporary' ring rather than the real thing.

Sorry to drip feed this information but this thread is bringing back some stuff that I have buried away or has been lost in the fog of all the pregnancies and newborns. I hardly ever sit and think about our problems, we're just too busy with the day to day.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 06-Apr-13 11:11:19

Re: the reward thing you mention. It does not sound messed up. All relationships, aside from those with our young children, are based on reciprocity. I think that is completely realistic.m

The question I have is, why did you let him get away with a lack of drive and reciprocity, if that is what you need? Do you feel sorry for him?

I think you are in danger of labelling yourself a control freak when what you are asking for is entirely normal, when what he gives, is NOT

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 11:11:40

Re reading my post it sounds as though I fell pregnant after 6 weeks together. I didn't, we had been together for about a year and a half when I fell pregnant.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 06-Apr-13 11:14:08

X post

Will read your later post

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 11:15:40

Jamie, I think I just felt so lucky to have him. I thought he was amazing and clever and not 'messed up' as I was. I had a difficult time growing up with divorced parents, one emotionally absent and the other abusive.

It was much easier to believe the problem was me because I had these 'issues'.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 06-Apr-13 11:27:12

Ok. This is getting into areas that I know other people on here will be able to help with, but i was really struck by your last post. I bet you are too.

When i asked about him, I was expecting you to say he was the one with the really difficult childhood, and you were the rescuer, wheareas, at the beginning you have labelled yourself the fucked up, or potentially fucked up one. That immediately put you ina one- down position, not able to feel you can assert yourself.

What his cannabis and porn addiction shows is that he is as fucked up as you, more maybe because he has bureid whatever problems he has and is now defelcting them onto you, whereas you appear to be aware and eloquent about your issues.

The irony is, that in your efforts to have a happy family, you've put up with his emotional distance, and now are at risk of being beaten down by his, frankly, nasty criticism of you.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 06-Apr-13 11:29:42

Your psot of 11.09 is interesting as well. It looks like there are resentments you never felt you could voice. Maybe at some point, you could voice them. I wouldn't advise doing it right now

Softlysoftly Sat 06-Apr-13 11:36:55

Honestly I don't think staying together for the kids is the best thing. Your childhood issues were because of abuse and emotional neglect not divorce.

You are modelling to your children that a 1 sided relationship and cannabis addiction is Ok. For them, leave, be a loving confident single mother. This marriage is dead in the water.


higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 11:37:38

Jamie, I have always felt a lot of shame about coming from a broken home. My mother did some unimaginable things and I have always feared I would turn out like her. I recently realised that one of the reasons I have had children is to 'prove' that I am not like her, that I will be a great mother despite being her daughter.

Because my partner comes from a close and well set up family I have felt like the damaged one. That he didn't propose to me and left me as a 'girlfriend' and didn't give me the status of 'fiancé' when I had our first DC has compounded these feelings. I felt more of a f*ck up. I hadn't done things properly, ie: married and then had children. People would think I had 'trapped' him.

HollyBerryBush Sat 06-Apr-13 11:56:28

As said up the thread, you both sound highly incompatible.

You've posted some things now that make me go hmm about yourself too.

But the cannabis use would be the thing for me. He'd be right out the door. You have children in the house and he's spliffing away? Not a chance in hell.

However I think you need to speak to someone about your feelings regarding your growing up. Because if you aren't happy with yourself, you'll never be happy with anyone.

By your own admission, you thought you could mould your DP into your ideal of what a relationship should be like. That never works, relationships are about give and take and compromise and communication. None of which either of you seem to do.

Mumsyblouse Sat 06-Apr-13 11:58:26

higherground could you afford some counselling to work out some of this stuff for yourself. It sounds like you are articulating it for the first time, and I think a few sessions of speaking out about how you found yourself here and what you want to do next would do you the power of good.

It is not your job to repair the damage of the past, in that you can't 'fix' your own marriage as some type of restoration of what your mum did- I'm sure it went way beyond simply getting divorced from what you are saying.

I also think this might be the time to be very real about the man you married, you thought he was 'sorted' and came from a good family so attached yourself to that ideal, but he's a real person too, with quite a lot of flaws and difficulties (though you say he is in work and thought of well). It may be that once you have seen the real him, and he has seen the real you you can decide whether that works or not. But you are very angry at him for not following a certain script of romantic love, and I think you need to own up a bit about how much you projected this romance and good match potential onto him, as he's always been a cannabis addict and you have always pretty much driven everything.

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 12:13:34

Holly you're absolutely right in that I need to be happy with myself first. I have had a few counselling sessions in the past about my childhood.

I don't think of myself as a damaged or broken person anymore. I have talked to friends and read a lot to try to understand my feelings.

However last night after we talked I cried myself to sleep and felt like a little girl again. I was back in my bedroom as a 12 year old girl - I felt exactly as I used to then. I haven't felt like that in over 20 years.

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 12:18:50

mumsy thanks for your post. There's a lot of truth in there. We are both seeking counselling, together and individually.

It's ok for him to have flaws - we all have flaws. I am angry that he doesn't try to help himself even though he can see the negative impact on our family and me.

Yes I am projecting onto him my romantic ideals and that's not fair. Maybe he feels he cannot ever match up to my high standards and expectations.

WorraLiberty Sat 06-Apr-13 12:19:02

It sounds as though you both want 'crazy wild sex' but you both want the other one to initiate it.

Could you come to a compromise?

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 12:25:52

worraliberty we do both want the same thing. It sounds so silly when your it as simply as that.

As I'm coming to realise though talking on here, it's about so much more than sex. He has withdrawn from me emotionally and physically, because (I think) he doesn't think he can match up to what I want, so what's the point in trying? And I criticise him too much and resent him and withdraw too.

Snoopingforsoup Sat 06-Apr-13 12:25:53

Hmm. There's a lot in the news at the minute about the effects of porn on young people and how it gives an unreal view of relationships, love and real life sex. I believe that porn would have the same effect on anyone using it. Sex for you happened in the past but I'd say the problems lie with him as a cannabis and porn user. He has to change his habits in order for you to both get a fulfilling sex life going.
The fact he's bringing ex's into it show he's unwilling to accept the problem is with him. That's a bit low! He's trying to put the onus on you, but as you recognise you went straight to relationship sex, you know the difference. I doubt you are boring at sex.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sat 06-Apr-13 13:18:06

I agree that he is putting all the blame on you, which is ridiculous.
He wants you to do all the work, in ALL areas of your lives, and that is not fair.
I have several friends with very passive partners, and I don't know how they stand it. It forces you into the role of schoolmarm, always organising everyone and getting exasperated. How boring for you.
I think that the problems are that you still have things to come to terms with r.e your childhood, and that you have settled for a man who is just not suited to you.
I am not a man, but have been accused of acting like on on occasion, and I honestly think that sex doesn't have to be "making lurve" all the time, and everyone sexually objectifies to some extent, but it is also a two way street, and like someone said upthread it is a 24/7 thing.
If you resent someone, it is very hard to feel good in the bedroom with them.
Sometimes, even aside from this, two people are just not sexually compatible. I have slept with men who are quite passive, and sort of expect me to initiate everything, and I hate it! I am sexually aggressive, but need a man who is too, for proper bitey sctrachey jungle sex wink
It's not about positions, or who does what to who (that seems very clinical) but about passion which has been absent from your relationship.
Anyway, get the counselling, but don't expect him to change. Sorry, but past experience tells me that these passive types just don't change. Would I be right in thinking his mum all but wiped his arse for him until he left home?
Just a guess.

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